I believe we’re related

[SharingTheLove]

Regardless of how the cold letter of the law considers us, I believe that any siblings of our adopted (now adult) son are family.

Two years ago our son’s sister contacted us via Facebook and since then we have grown to love her and her children and treat them as family. Her ex partner and she are currently negotiating contact as she has moved close to us for support. He is claiming we aren’t family so it’s not in the children’s best interests to have us in their lives. He also insists two years isn’t long enough for a 3 and 7 year old to know us before considering us family.

We brought our son home just 10 days after first meeting him and we’ve been a devoted family ever since. I met and married my husband with 18 months and we’ve been married 30 years! So the 2 year isn’t enough idea is bull.

So what makes a family in 2022?

I’ve posted under AIBU because I know adoption is a very difficult subject for some. I empathise with that, but know (mainly because of recent contact and actions) that our son has been entrusted to for the very reason we have sacrificed careers, social life etc to give him every opportunity we can afford (he isn’t spoilt, I promise, but he has a work ethic and appreciation of relationships we know he wouldn’t have got if he’d stayed with birth mum). His sister is an amazing mum but her ex tells everyone who’ll listen that she’s selfish and a drunk (her recycling bin doesn’t clink!)

Sock it to me. AIBU that she’s family and not just somebody from our son’s past that no longer has a relationship?

What a very mean spirited post.

I wasn’t saying that the dad gets to say the children can’t spend time with this couple - I maybe didn’t communicate it that well.

OP is insisting they are related and is angry at the dad for saying they aren’t. But they aren’t. So strictly speaking the dad is correct. I strongly believe that we shouldn’t lie to children about who people In their lives are. We can live people like family - but it doesn’t make them related.

so dad is entitled to clarify to his children who these people are.

if the mum has moved the children to be close to this family and if that move reduced the time the dad was able to spend with the children - then that becomes dads business.

OP is very dismissive of the dad and seems absorbed in her new relationship. That can be very intense and all consuming. But OP is not these children’s grandmother. She is not more important than their dad so her relationship with them should not be more important than the relationship with their dad - even is he is a bit of a sock.

that was the point I was clumsily trying to make. trying to view it from the kids perspective who in years to come might not care about their uncles adoptive parents - but they will care about the relationship and contact they had with their dad.

I’m not angry with anyone. The situation is complicated I agree but we haven’t told any lies. The children all know who is who and that our son was adopted. I have never lied to children (except for the existence of Santa Claus) and respect them as individuals. Our parenting classes for adoption preparation taught us to be open
with children (obviously at an appropriate level).

All I was asking for was a vote on whether we can be considered family or not. It was just an interesting topic to get opinions on. I like to believe we are because we are all related to one person. If we can be related by someone saying I Do in a church or registry office, why can’t we be related via adoption?

I’m not getting between the exes, in fact I’ve suggested I will drive the children to and from each parent if that helps. They won’t have to see each other and the kids are spared that tension. Two sides to every story etc but she reached out to us and now she’s considered a member of the family, especially as she is a female version of her brother in temperament and looks.

The children love their father and I respect that and won’t be interfering. Nobody is being dismissed. I don’t know him personally.

Yes I would consider her family if I didn’t like her. My son loves her and that’s important. It’s academic anyway. She’s lovely.

“And the distance between the exes isn’t that far, it’s just not conveniently round the corner.“

And yet on anonymous forum, you’re studiously avoiding saying how far and how that impacts contact time.

This should a non-issue. You can count whoever you like as family and it’s none of her ex’s business. But it sounds like some action has made it his business - or why object?

Why not post this on the adoption topic, as most on AIBU will have no clue about the complexities of adoption and the feelings you have

If you need to out a label on the relationship - why not friend? That is your relationship. You didn’t adopt her so your aren’t her mother.

yes it is an incredibly intense friendship and if I were you I would tread carefully here. You seem incredibly intertwined in her life. And suggesting you will be go between in child custody drop offs puts you at the heart of her relationship break up.

I have a good relationship with mother, but she isn’t as involved as you seem to be in this woman’s life.

it sounds very co-dependent. You will be heartbroken if this breaks down or cools - these children wanted to call you nana? Seems odd that children would pick this up - someone must have suggested it.

I’ve suggested I will drive the children to and from each parent if that helps

Again this is intense and involving yourself way more than is normal. Its literally you inserting yourself into their childcare arrangements.
I can see why her ex is pushing back against this and saying you aren't family.

I can't imagine it would have come up at all if he didn't feel like you were pushing yourself into a space that he's not comfortable with regarding his children. I don't think I've ever had the need to explicitly state that someone is not family and can't see why I would need to unless they were not respecting boundaries.

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I still think you are asking the wrong question. If you want to consider yourself family then by all means. But you should not expect the father to think the same, many people wouldn’t.

Based in absolutely nothing, this man has been called abusive and manipulative on here, whereas I think all that has happened is his children have been moved away from him “to be closer to family” and he has retorted that you are not family, that he is their family.

I do think he is onto something, you are overly embroiled in your sons biological family. I am shocked that you now think you should be driving the children beteeen parents, you are literally inserting yourself into their arrangements and you are sounding even more controlling now. I am not surprised that he is pushing back.

You really do need to take a step back and look at it from somebody else’s point of view, you seem to want to be matriarch in all of this, but you are not.

I’m not getting between the exes, in fact I’ve suggested I will drive the children to and from each parent if that helps. They won’t have to see each other and the kids are spared that tension.

okay, never say the issue previously but with this nugget I understand why the ex is sending red flags and pushing back. Very, very unusual behaviour and really overstepping boundaries.

It sounds like you want people to agree with you so you are right and the children’s dad is wrong.

You have never met him! His children have been moved away to be close to you. You have suddenly become incredibly involved in his children’s lives.

you want to argue that you are family - so it was right for the children to be lived away from him to be with you. It’s not a competition!!

i really do think this could end in tears. It’s too intense - you are too intense.

“I will drive the children to and from each parent if that helps. They won’t have to see each other and the kids are spared that tension.”

You’re naïve. You think children are stupid and don’t know what’s going on when there’s an intermediary doing this? I know two adults who were part of this - and both keenly remember the tension of parents avoiding handover.

What do you want from this thread? Some people will agree with you, others will agree with the ex. But once you have gathered these opinions what exactly does it change? You will consider her family, rightly or wrongly and the ex will continue to feel otherwise.

Family is just a word/label. I wouldn't be getting hung up on it nor the opinions of anyone else.

Having read your updates, I'm afraid I also think that you are becoming too enmeshed in this situation. You have every right to have a relationship with your son's sister and she with you, but that should not impinge on the relationship of her children with their father. Her moving closer to you for support and you offering to facilitate contact is a situation that could cause conflict if you were a maternal grandparent. You are not a maternal grandparent.

Plainly, I can imagine that you perhaps feel sadness and even misplaced guilt that this young woman did not have the life and opportunities that you were able to offer her brother, your son. If that is the case, you need to be especially careful about overcompensation.

I hope that this situation settles and works out well for everyone, especially the young children involved, who have already been through upheaval.