I believe we’re related

[SharingTheLove]

Regardless of how the cold letter of the law considers us, I believe that any siblings of our adopted (now adult) son are family.

Two years ago our son’s sister contacted us via Facebook and since then we have grown to love her and her children and treat them as family. Her ex partner and she are currently negotiating contact as she has moved close to us for support. He is claiming we aren’t family so it’s not in the children’s best interests to have us in their lives. He also insists two years isn’t long enough for a 3 and 7 year old to know us before considering us family.

We brought our son home just 10 days after first meeting him and we’ve been a devoted family ever since. I met and married my husband with 18 months and we’ve been married 30 years! So the 2 year isn’t enough idea is bull.

So what makes a family in 2022?

I’ve posted under AIBU because I know adoption is a very difficult subject for some. I empathise with that, but know (mainly because of recent contact and actions) that our son has been entrusted to for the very reason we have sacrificed careers, social life etc to give him every opportunity we can afford (he isn’t spoilt, I promise, but he has a work ethic and appreciation of relationships we know he wouldn’t have got if he’d stayed with birth mum). His sister is an amazing mum but her ex tells everyone who’ll listen that she’s selfish and a drunk (her recycling bin doesn’t clink!)

Sock it to me. AIBU that she’s family and not just somebody from our son’s past that no longer has a relationship?

I consider lots of people to be “family” that I have no biological or legal connection to.

my children call all my close friends aunts and uncles, and consider those friends’ children to be their cousins.

when my son in year 1 had to draw his family tree it was massive, which I think is great!

nobody else can really define for you who your family is. If you and your son’s sister are happy to consider each other family then that’s it. You are family.

i would say that from a court perspective describing you as “family” may not help her, as a judge may have concerns/questions about that. So she may do better focusing on moving closer to her brother and his relationship with the niblings.

You can consider them your family if you want, but they aren't legally. This makes zero difference is your case - as Pavlova said, the ex can't stop you having contact if mum facilitates that on her time.

An XH doesn't get to say what his XW can and can't do during the time the DC are resident with her.

If she sees you as family (irrespective of how that came about) then she'll act accordingly. Ditto if she sees you as good supportive friends. Or whatever.

You aren't a party to the Child Arrangments though. No grandparent has an automatic right to be included. Just keep being friend with the mother, amnd leave them to work it out

You might believe you are related but you are not. You are a supportive friend.

Would you consider her family if you didn't like her? If she was nasty to you? What about if your son didn't like her and wanted nothing to do with her?

She's your son's family but not yours sadly.

Unless there is a valid safeguarding reason, the ex has no say over who is in your son's sister and her children's lives so he can think what he wants about the relationship with you, it is irrelevant. However, if she has moved a significant distance (even for support) and it impinges on their contact with their father, different issue. The same would apply if the move was nearer to biological family.

I think possibly more is going on here than the ex claiming that you are not family, apologies if I'm wrong.

It all sounds very intense.

you son is her brother and uncle to her children. You are not related - however you think of her as family which so nice. But yes strictly speaking you aren’t close family members. You aren’t her parents.

I can see where her ex is coming from. She has fast developed a bind that has resulted in her moving their children - and distance does matter. Of course it does.

you can all feel however you want about each other - but is this new intense relationship resulting in her children’s dad seeing less of his children?

You sound quite defensive about it.

Personally, as an adoptee myself, I wouldn't consider my biological siblings to be my adoptive parents' "family".

But horses for courses!

I understand op. I also think you can choose people to form an extended family without a bio link or court order.

He ex sounds awful and it is brilliant that you have the capacity and ability to support her.

Your son is family.
You are not family.
You do not get to dictate to the children's father about your relationship being as important as his.
It isn't!
It really isn't!

When I left my x, one of the things I needed to ''heal through'' was feeling the weight of his opinion. I really had to channel very strongly ''what you think of me is none of my business''.

So, what he thinks is none of your business. If he thinks you're not family, then that's what he thinks. What he thinks won't change what you do or say or feel, so disconnect from that.

It's not an issue. You don't need to win his approval. You don't need to be on the same page.

You just need to know that the people in your life want to be in your life.

Why the need to have the "family" label?

You're not family. You adopted your son but you didn't adopt his siblings and become related to them as a result of that adoption.

That doesn't mean you can't help her or be close and "like family" but I do think it's a bit inflammatory towards the ex to keep using the phrase "but we're family" - especially when it means his kids are being taken away from him.

This insta family does disturb me a little to be honest.

I am assuming the children’s father doesn’t abuse them.

from your post you met this lady two years ago, have developed an incredibly close reaction ship and she relies heavily on you.

she has moved her children a distance to be close to you.

this has impacted on the dads time with the children and he is annoyed.

you are arguing that you are family - although you aren’t related.

when the children grow up will they be happy that their mum moved them away from their dad to be close to their biological uncles adoptive family?

I know you think you are family - but at there adults in therapy because they didn’t get to maintain a relationship with their uncles adoptive parents, or are they in therapy beciase they didn’t get to maintain a relationship with their dad?

there is something quite selfish about your post. You seem incapable of seeing this from the childrens or their fathers perspective. It’s all about this really intense relationship you have with your sons biological sister.

I love this! I’m not aware of anything like this here though.

i have picked up that you think the ex doesn’t fit into your definition of family. And you don’t fit into his.

but you have become very quickly and very intensely embroiled in this families life - which to be honest I would see as a red flag.

it is really important that the children maintain a good relationship with their dad. You are not their parent, or even their grandparent so your needs do not come first, second or even third.

I think you are trying to create a happily ever after with you at the centre - and anyone who doesn’t agree with your version of your family is kept outside.

I think this could be damaging in the long run for the children.

the mum will in all likelihood meet someone else - she won’t need you as much - the relationship will cool. But the dad will have missed out on time with his children because they were moved away from him to be close to you.

This is all a bit strange and intense.

If you and sons sister want to consider yourselves family that's ok. Its nice that you want to supprt her.

However its very strange that not only do you think you can demand that the children's father has to see you this way, you also can't see why he's object to his kids moving away from him to be close to you.

You sound a bit overbearing and controlling if i'm honest.

So it's far enough to have an effect on how often he is able to see his children then?

It doesn't really matter what he thinks, does it? Sounds like she's moved miles away and he's taking her to court to argue for more access to the children, in which case fair enough. They are his children.

I would also say that the adoption fact is irrelevant. I'm adopted and would say family is who you choose. But say you were biologically related, if her moving away affects how often he sees his children, he's still going to argue that it's not in their best interests. What about them seeing their dad, his family, their friends, changing schools?

So she's uprooted her children and moved them away from their dad to move near a woman she's only known for 2 years? I'm not surprised her ex has a problem with this.

I don't honestly think she is family to you and your DH. You are neither related by blood, not did you know her growing up. She is biological family to your son, although he has only known her two years.

It sounds as if her ex husband is problematic but I must say if I had children with a man who then moved them away from the place they lived to benefit from the support of people he had known for two years in similar circumstances but was now calling family, I would be cautious.

This is all a bit strange and intense.

I agree - it is too much too soon, probably due to the unmet needs of several parties.

It doesn't matter how you or she choose to classify your relationship with each other. She is entitled to friends and support from anyone, and it is not reasonable nor legal for her ex to police who the children are with during her time with them, unless those people pose an actual danger to the children. Tell her to get communication going through a solicitor, ignore requests she doesn't need to comply with, and get on with building her new better life without him.

You’re an opinionated lot! The very reason I posted here - it’s good to hear other peoples perspectives on it!!

Trust me, I’m not controlling or a saviour. I can’t reveal too much “context” on here because it’s so personal. You’ll have to take my word for it. And the distance between the exes isn’t that far, it’s just not conveniently round the corner.

It was very flattering when the children asked if they could call me nana. I gently told them no but I’d be happy with them calling me auntie because I know in many cultures unrelated people are “aunties”. I didn’t want to rub the father up the wrong way and this would impact on their mother. The children have no grandparents (or cousins, aunts, uncles etc).

Despite the sad details of this, which is always the case when children are coping with a broken relationship between parents,
I probably posted this question to see if anyone else has had an unusual family blend! Until she came into our lives I hadn’t given any thought to our relationship status.

I make phone enquiries for her, introduce her to people, etc at her request (she’s very shy and has very little confidence) and it’s at that point I thought “how do I do these introductions?”. The norm (to me) would be “this is X, my sister/husband/son/great aunt twice removed” but there really is no relationship descriptor for this situation! Maybe I should let it stop at “this is X”. But I tried that before and got asked (by the pharmacist when I was picking up a prescription for her) “sign here and state your relationship”. On that occasion I panicked and wrote “step daughter” 😂 I really don’t want to tell everybody our private business “this is X, our son’s sister”! That would just beg more questions!

I’ll just wing it from now on I think! I still believe we are related by virtue of our son and it helps him but I can see I’m in the minority here.

I don’t think it is to be honest.

I’m an adoptive Mum and I can’t ever imagine considering DS birth family as my family, maybe you are more generous of spirit than I am.

That aside, the family label isn’t important, she can need your support and you can love each other without the tag. If the family tag is causing problems it doesn’t matter.

I think a new friend becoming this involved in a couples divorce is odd.

if this woman is telling the children that she is their family then I can see why the dad has concerns. I am sure this is confusing for the children. One parent saying this is your family and the other saying it’s not.

if his time with his children has been reduced because his children have been moved to be close to this woman then it’s only natural that he is pushing back and clarifying that this woman is not their family and has only known them for a relatively short period of time.

OP is obsessed with claiming this woman and her children as her relatives - when they aren’t. I can see why the dad wants to correct that and clarify his relationship with his children is more important. Becoase it is. Even if he is a bit of a dick. It’s in the unrest’s of the children that they maintain a good relationship with both parents.

No, actually it's a sign of excessive and abusive control for him to think he gets a vote in who his ex can spend time with, your comment seems to suggest otherwise. A couple separating are each entitled to choose their own friends, while mum can choose who she and her children spend time with. It doesn't matter what mum wants the children call friends, and plenty call family friends Aunt etc. You might not do it, I might not do it, but it's her decision and is no more her ex's business than it is ours. He's an ex.