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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is U, me or DH?

54 replies

InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:18

We’ve been offered a last minute weekend away at a friend’s holiday cottage by the sea.

Our eldest, DC15 doesn’t want to come. They want to go to a sleepover at their mate’s house.

DH is upset that DC15 doesn’t want to come and is suggesting I go with our DCs 9 & 7 on my own.

I think that this is just part and parcel of having a teenager and if they’d rather be with their friends then that’s how it is and probably how it’s going to be as they get older and more independent.

I’m fine going on my own with the younger DCs but it would just be nicer if DH came too.

Who is U?

YANBU = DH needs to cut the apron strings.

YABU = You should do everything as a family until the children are 21.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2022 17:21

Is he suggesting that he stays home and dc1 stays with him? Or dc1 still goes to their friends?

lilroo87 · 15/07/2022 17:21

Why won't your DH go and just leave 15 year old to go to their mates?
I'd be going and letting DC stay behind if that's what they want. No point forcing them to go if they'd rather be somewhere else and not really a need for your DH to stay behind either 🤷🏻‍♀️

oviraptor21 · 15/07/2022 17:22

Why would DH not come just because DC15 has gone to his friend's house?
Can't vote as it's an inbetween for me.

TibetanTerrah · 15/07/2022 17:22

Thats such a weird "solution" by your DH Confused

Runnerduck34 · 15/07/2022 17:22

Clearly yanbu!
If DC15 was going to be left home alone I'd be a bit more concerned but if they are staying at a friend's house it will be fine- have his friend's parents confirmed the arrangement??

Sirzy · 15/07/2022 17:23

How far away is the cottage?

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 17:23

Totally normal for 15 year old to want to go to friends
Would the friends mum be ok keeping an eye on them whilst your away ? Then you can both go

Original poster
InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:25

oviraptor21 · 15/07/2022 17:22

Why would DH not come just because DC15 has gone to his friend's house?
Can't vote as it's an inbetween for me.

I don’t really know?

I think DH feels guilty leaving DC15 behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:26

worriedatthistime · 15/07/2022 17:23

Totally normal for 15 year old to want to go to friends
Would the friends mum be ok keeping an eye on them whilst your away ? Then you can both go

Yes friend’s parents will be there.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 15/07/2022 17:27

Are these all your children? I'm just wondering with the age gap if the oldest is your as?

MrszClaus · 15/07/2022 17:29

Does "go to a sleepover" mean just one night of the whole weekend? Is your DH worried that your DC will need a parent close by / will get into trouble alone for a weekend?

Tbh, I'd say neither of you are being unreasonable 🤷🏻‍♀️

alphapie · 15/07/2022 17:31

Your DH is being unreasonable, however I do think if the sexes were reversed and a mother was concerned about just leaving with her 15yo child at someone else's house for a sleepover the whole weekend many on here would be more sympathetic.

At 15 many teens are allowed home alone for weekends at a time, so I think as long as the sleepover is for the whole time you are away and your trust their family you should all go.

Original poster
InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:31

Josette77 · 15/07/2022 17:27

Are these all your children? I'm just wondering with the age gap if the oldest is your as?

DC15 is my DSC but lives with us full time, so it’s irrelevant for the purpose of this post and the travel/logistics situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:35

Also interested in other posters who have teens and younger DC. If you have family plans and the teen wants to opt out, what do you do? The rest of the family misses out? You go anyway and teen stays behind? One parent goes and one stays? You force the teen to come against their will and then they sulk the whole time?

All options seem a bit shit tbh.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 15/07/2022 17:40

DC15 is my DSC but lives with us full time, so it’s irrelevant for the purpose of this post and the travel/logistics situation.

Not entirely irrelevant, I think. He doesn't want his son to feel that he's been 'left behind' while you all go off and do something different. Even though it's his DS's decision and wish to not go. He doesn't want to risk DS's nose being out of joint.

Have you seen any signs before of him favouring DS over the others? It's the only 'logical' explanation I can come up with.

alphapie · 15/07/2022 17:42

@InUseAlready ah the teen being your DSC makes all the difference tbh.

I can now fully understand why your DH would feel bad leaving them with his 'new' family on their own back at home.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 17:43

I understand the issue now too. He doesn't watch DSS to feel left out even though he's excluding himself.

StopFeckingFaffing · 15/07/2022 17:45

YANBU, if DC15 happy to spend the weekend with friend and friend's parents are ok with that then it does seem very odd that your DH won't join the rest of you.

DC15 has been invited and prefers not to go so it's not like you are excluding him

Wafflybollocks · 15/07/2022 17:46

DS doesn't want to go! DH is bonkers not coming along. This is nuts

Divebar2021 · 15/07/2022 17:47

The teen doesn’t want to go and Is going to a friends which is fun! He hasn’t been dropped off on the steps of the orphanage or told to work down a coal mine.

threeblowdries · 15/07/2022 17:47

InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:35

Also interested in other posters who have teens and younger DC. If you have family plans and the teen wants to opt out, what do you do? The rest of the family misses out? You go anyway and teen stays behind? One parent goes and one stays? You force the teen to come against their will and then they sulk the whole time?

All options seem a bit shit tbh.

I'm really interested in how others mange this as well.
Teens down to toddler here.
Finding it difficult to strike a balance as well !

Sally872 · 15/07/2022 17:49

If teen is trusted to be left and comfortable to be left (in this case seems sleepover means they are) then they can stay.

If teen cannot be left they come. One parent staying or whole family not going wouldn't be an option.

Original poster
InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:50

Divebar2021 · 15/07/2022 17:47

The teen doesn’t want to go and Is going to a friends which is fun! He hasn’t been dropped off on the steps of the orphanage or told to work down a coal mine.

Not excluded at all. When I got the offer from my friend I thought everyone would be really up for it. Teen’s lack of enthusiasm has sort of taken the wind out of all our sails but I’m still excited to go. But I think it’s too much of a dampener for DH.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 15/07/2022 17:54

I would be tempted to send DH with your two younger children and have a weekend at home by yourself.

But the more sensible answer is that the teen has to come if you don't trust her at her friend's without an adult at home nearby.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/07/2022 17:54

Let them go to their friend's house. But can't see why DH would need to stay (if DC isn't even going to be at home).

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