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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is U, me or DH?

54 replies

InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:18

We’ve been offered a last minute weekend away at a friend’s holiday cottage by the sea.

Our eldest, DC15 doesn’t want to come. They want to go to a sleepover at their mate’s house.

DH is upset that DC15 doesn’t want to come and is suggesting I go with our DCs 9 & 7 on my own.

I think that this is just part and parcel of having a teenager and if they’d rather be with their friends then that’s how it is and probably how it’s going to be as they get older and more independent.

I’m fine going on my own with the younger DCs but it would just be nicer if DH came too.

Who is U?

YANBU = DH needs to cut the apron strings.

YABU = You should do everything as a family until the children are 21.

OP posts:

PeterCannaeRun · 15/07/2022 17:55

Your younger DC shouldn't miss out time with their Dad just because DSC decides he doesn't want to come. There will be plenty of other holidays/weekends away he can still come on and I do understand he won't want to attend all of them. I would say yes to the sleepover but make sure he knows that he is wanted for future holidays. Also maybe float the idea of a Dad and son only day in the future; something which will appeal to a teen.

Dh and Ds1 (19) did a city break together whilst Ds2 (16) and I stayed home. Ds1 is usually away at uni so this was a lovely opportunity for Dh.

Original poster

InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:58

I can see because of the differences in the DCs ages there’s a bit of a divide opening up and it feels weird. Like we’re going to be a man down from now on.

OP posts:

PMAmostofthetime · 15/07/2022 17:59

@InUseAlready In this situation I would allow DS-15 to go to a friends bit ask a family member like an aunt or Grandparent to be responsible for them for the time your away. That way you DH and the other 2 children get to go away but if there is any issues with the DS-15 he has a family member to go too.

It may make DH feel better about leaving him.

thebear1 · 15/07/2022 18:07

So you have the hard slog of solo parenting in a self catered house whilst DH hangs around in an house which will be mostly empty as 15 year old is out and about? You are a better person than me, I would think he's taking the piss.

endofagain · 15/07/2022 18:10

I had a 10 year gap and we often had split forces. It is a normal part of parenting IMO.
In this situation I would have a conversation with the parent of your 15 year old's friend. Make sure it is all above board and a parent will be present. Find a trusted friend or relative to be around for the time your DC15 is not under the supervision of friend's parent. Explain to DC that this will be a trial run to ensure they can be sensible and responsible.
Then go with DH and other DC and enjoy an age appropriate outing.

theremustonlybeone · 15/07/2022 18:11

My DS started not wanting to come for weekend stays with our friends when he was 15. He got bored and was a lot older than his siblings. He went to his friends and it was win win. Your DH IBU and I do wonder whether he just doesn’t want to go

endofagain · 15/07/2022 18:13

Sorry, meant to say that in this situation you are not being unreasonable and DH should come with you, not opt out. Sometimes it is appropriate for parents to do things separately with DC, but not on this occasion.

Confusedteacher · 15/07/2022 18:14

It depends how far away you are going I guess. DD1 is 14, so a bit younger, but we have had similar issues recently. Eg, we were due to go as a family to my sister’s house for the day which is about an hour’s drive away, but she wanted to stay at home and go out with her friends for the day. In the end I ended up staying at home while DD went out as I felt a bit weird that if anything happened or she needed me I would be an hour away.

If DS is definitely staying over at a good friend’s house and you know the family well, I’d say there’s no reason you can’t all go away without him. But will he be there all weekend? I wouldn’t leave a 15yo home alone overnight.

Bluetrews25 · 15/07/2022 18:15

What did DSS say when he was asked if he minded everyone going away whilst he was with his friend?

knittingaddict · 15/07/2022 18:18

InUseAlready · 15/07/2022 17:31

DC15 is my DSC but lives with us full time, so it’s irrelevant for the purpose of this post and the travel/logistics situation.

Show quote history

That is not irrelevant. It's also completely predicable from the moment I read your op.

Lemonyfuckit · 15/07/2022 18:20

I honestly don't understand why it's an issue, seems perfectly normal to me for a 15yr old to go to a sleepover at a friend's house, and for the rest of you to be away (or is it that sleepover is only one night, and you would be away two nights?) - feels like otherwise your DH gets the 'easier' option...

Beancounter1 · 15/07/2022 18:21

I'm guessing DH doesn't fancy the weekend away.
Call his bluff and suggest he goes and takes the younger two while you stay at home - his reaction will tell you if this is the case.

To be practical - have DSC and DH in the same room and then ask DSC if they mind both parents being away for the weekend. If they don't mind, then DH has no argument left and will have to come with you, if they are not a complete dud.

knittingaddict · 15/07/2022 18:23

predictable

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 15/07/2022 18:24

I think neither are in the wrong and it is also dependent on how far away it is under and a hour and half your side over this dhs side

diddl · 15/07/2022 18:25

Could they bring a friend with them?

Chattycathydoll · 15/07/2022 18:28

Younger DC miss out on a family holiday with their Dad because he’d rather stay at home and pine for teen DS? Doesn’t sound fair on anyone.

diddl · 15/07/2022 18:31

Any activities that they could do with their dad for some of the time?

diddl · 15/07/2022 18:32

Would you go alone/with a friend Op?

Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 15/07/2022 18:35

@InUseAlready our DS is 15, we have a caravan which we go to every weekend, he doesn't want to go so he stays at home on his own ( my parents live a 5 minute walk away and sometimes eldest DS is there , but a lot of he time he is on his own) Its just the age they are at, we are not cool enough fo his presence!
We are also just back from Gran Canaria and he moaned the full time as he didn't want to go, next time I shall listen to him and let him stay home. Your DH just needs to accept this is probably how it's going to be from now on unfortunately.
Enjoy your holiday 😎🌞

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/07/2022 18:37

I think your DH might be taking the mick - does he by any chance feel like a weekend to himself without the bother of 7 and 9 year olds around? I mean they’re not toddlers but they still need supervising , entertaining, feeding, putting to bed etc. (Just thinking about my 8 yo here)

i sort of see the point about his ds being your dss, but as he was given the chance to come he’s not exactly missing out. He’s 15 and wants to go to his mate’s house. I’m sure he’ll be fine at home.

hedgehoglurker · 15/07/2022 18:39

We've had several self-catering UK holidays where the teen has opted out. We definitely wanted him to join us, but he preferred to go stay with his Aunt and cousin instead, where they did activities solely focusing on the teens. Also a similar age gap.

I can see why husband is torn, but so long as teen has chosen and is welcome to stay with the friend, YANBU.

LMB0716 · 15/07/2022 18:40

I have 3 children. My oldest son is 16, then I have another son who is 7 and a baby girl 9 months.

Basically, 1) year old wants to do very little with us and the little ones. He had 9 years of being an only child where we did literally everything he wanted to do, and we do invite him to everything, so he doesn’t feel left out at all. He’s just older, wants to do things with his mates etc, gets bored of the little ones pawing over him all the time, likes the quiet.

the first time we left him overnight was last year when he was 15, and I was in hospital having dd. 7 year old stayed at nanas, and he was invited to do that too but didn’t want to. He was fine, and now we often go out for the day, or for 1 night and just leave him to it. He starts college in September and has to travel there and back himself, etc, he goes to rugby and the gym 3-4 times a week so I know he’s responsible, and we’re always just at the end of the phone, and nana just lives round the corner.

I would let your son go to his friends and the rest of you go to the cottage, as long as he has been invited and it’s his choice not to, I don’t see the problem. X

Buythebag40 · 15/07/2022 18:52

Not entirely irrelevant, I think. He doesn't want his son to feel that he's been 'left behind' while you all go off and do something different

But it's the teenagers choice to stay at his friends and miss out on the trip?!

Your dh is being ridiculous.

diddl · 15/07/2022 18:52

I think unless the teen will stay at home if your husband does, then there's no point in your husband not going.

I'm guessing he fancies a weekend alone.

How lovely for his 2 younger ones that he would rather not be on holiday with them!

Buythebag40 · 15/07/2022 18:54

I think your DH might be taking the mick - does he by any chance feel like a weekend to himself without the bother of 7 and 9 year olds around

And yes, this. He wants to chill out by himself with the rest of you off doing other things. His argument is daft bc his ds will be at his friends anyway so why does he need to stay home? - makes no sense at all.

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