Aibu to be so sad at what feels like a wasted life (tw:sa)

[NcedForThis]

Bare with me on this.

When I was 17 I was raped by a stranger, told 2 friends and was told I must’ve led him on by one and that I must’ve wanted it by another as I didn’t fight back, 3 weeks later, when out with friends, a drunk guy said “you’re so fat and ugly no one would even rape you”. And my sad and broken brain thought “well that’s clearly not true but this is how I can stop it happening again” and over the next 12 years worked my way up to 30 stone as a direct result.

Because of my size, I didn’t travel, I didn’t go anywhere or do anything, I didn’t go out with friends, didn’t ever end up in a relationship, absolutely didn’t go on holiday, I didn’t learn to drive because I couldn’t get seatbelts on, I endured years of bullying and verbal abuse from strangers over my size, stared at in restaurants and mocked when out.

My 20s were an absolute waste, I did absolutely nothing.

I’m now down to 19st but still struggle with not feeling like I’m that size anymore, I still carry myself that way and still am forever on edge of someone saying something.

I don’t actually think about what happened except on the date it happened which is in a couple of weeks and I’m now almost 34 and I’ve realised I’m twice the age I was when I happened, half my life has been taken up by this and I’m so so painfully sad about it and what could’ve been and I’m angry that he chose me (which is fucking awful, I don’t mean I wish it was someone else, please don’t think that) and I don’t know how to move past it, it feels engulfing. But this also feels like a disproportionate reaction to something that happened so long ago and I should’ve dealt w it differently

I don’t know what I want from this but I wanted to get it out and didn’t know where else to put it

This isn't a disproportionate reaction, sounds like you are only just facing what happened rather than trying to hide from it. There is nothing you can do about what happened or about how you felt with it, which was the only way that made sense to you at the time. What you can charge though is what you do now...

Sounds like you'd benefit from counseling, is that something you could afford (as that would get this started much quicker than it would through the NHS)

In the meantime, have a big hug from me. Sounds like you've been through an awful time, talking about it and thinking about how you can charge moving forwards will make life better 😘

This isn't your fault. Be kind to yourself. Counselling should help. It's certainly helped me and I was suicidal at times. Small steps and goals might help - things to look forward to. Hope you can move forward and things look up for you. Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel even when it's hard to see it some days....

I am so sorry this happened to you and that your friends didn’t support you better. You are not unreasonable to feel what you feel, whether that is sad or angry or anything else. Well done on your weight loss too, that’s an incredible change.

I wonder whether you have had any counselling and if not whether you would consider it. You deserve to be happy and to have the experiences you want in your future, whether that is travelling, driving, or anything else. I hope you find a way to be happier - but please know that it’s not your fault that you haven’t been so far and nobody would say that your reaction was disproportionate.

The total trauma you have been through is understandable. You are fighting for your life and you have done brilliantly to get through and to lose weight. I remember reading about Roseanne putting on weight to
prevent sexual abuse- it’s very common.

34 is young. You can still achieve anything you want to with your life. As other posters have said, be kind to yourself. Celebrate your victories and support yourself. You are a survivor, you are alive and you are trying your hardest- that is all that matters. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else- they haven’t had the same challenges you have.

The question is- what do you want to achieve?
what are your short and long term goals?

I'm so sorry this happened to you and very sorry your friends weren't there to support you.

I was groped when I was child in a public swimming pool and that on top of the trauma I dealt with at home with my parents, really has messed me up. I think counselling would benefit you, I wish I'd gone as I still deal with the after effects of what I dealt with when I was a kid.

I'm so sorry 😔 It's an awful things to have happened and it's so sad that you'l feel you've wasted the past 17 years.

My situation isn't hugely comparable, but I am also quite overweight. My children are now 12 and 10 and i've spent the last 10 years watching them have fun in swimming pools, the sea, at theme parks etc with their dad with me standing by trying to look happy. And it's a bit shit. So i'm trying to lose weight because I don't want o do this any more because I know they won't be with us forever .

Sorry to blather on, I think what I:m trying to say is that at least you have recognised this. You can't change the past 17 years, but you can change the future and can start putting yourself out there and more importantly, putting yourself first. You've done tremendously well to have lost the weight you already have, keep going and maybe set yourself little goals every week, one new thing to try.

But (and I can say this at the age of 43), it's not too late. I felt past it at 34, but now I'm 10 years down the line, I wish I'd made more of it. Good luck!

💐 You’re not to blame for any of this. It was done to you. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t agree to it and you didn’t accept it. What you did was to get through it alive then carry on the best way you knew how, with no support. You’re a fucking warrior, lady. And now you’ve lost all that weight and you’re starting to want your life back. If you feel anger, then direct it at him for making you feel like you’re over reacting or not healing the ‘right’ way. If you can, counselling needs to be a priority. Either through your GP or Rape Crisis.

You are not on your own.

I cannot believe that you have gone from 30 stone to 19! - what an incredible achievement! I am so impressed!

It is so hard to get over the sort of trauma you went through and like others I think some counselling would be a help - or CBT, because what you have is PTSD, and that is a good treatment for it. Have you ever talked to your GP about this?

You seem to have encountered some poor friends and unkind people in your journey through life so far.

But this also feels like a disproportionate reaction to something that happened so long ago and I should’ve dealt with it differently - there is nothing disproportionate about your response, and certainly no "shoulds" in this situation. I have a similar trauma (but far more minor) in my background and it gets up and socks me in the eye now and again.

Please get some help. You have a whole life ahead of you and deserve the chance to get the best out of it.

A little story for you OP.
A dr in San Diego (Dr Feletti) ran a weight loss clinic for people who were clinically obese. He found they would lose weight but then rapidly regain it all. He and his team conducted some research and found out that a high number of them had undergone some form of sexual abuse before age 18. The weight gain was because it made them feel safe to be significantly overweight. They did further research and found many more of them had undergone certain traumatic events before they were 18. It is searchable as the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study.

Not everybody who is greatly overweight has these experiences, however my point is that you are so, so far from being alone in this it's actually criminal. Don't beat yourself up about it - easier said than done, but you really don't need to. You've not failed here. You've done nothing wrong. You were failed and you were wronged. And what people did to you and said about you are absolutely no reflection on you.

You have been surviving. And you've done a pretty good job of it, every single day for 17 YEARS, because here you are! You think the reaction was disproportionate but I don't see it like that. It's actually quite rational! It's just it is no longer serving you. Which is fine, now it's time to change it.

I wonder if it might help to find someone to talk to about this in RL? You could call Rape Crisis for a start, they're not only there for people who were recently raped. And while you say you don't think about it other than at the anniversary, you are living a life resulting from it. They may be able to refer you to someone else if you don't feel comfortable talking to them.

Maybe try to get an appointment with your GP to speak to someone who is qualified in weight loss and trauma.

Or keep posting on this thread!

But whatever you choose to do, please know that you have every right to have a good life. If anybody - anybody - indicates otherwise, remember that's them being a dick. You've experienced some of the worst of humanity. I hope you get to encounter some of the best of it too.

Sorry forgot to add - the weight loss you've achieved already is incredibly impressive!

You are traumatised OP and it’s a disgrace you weren’t supported by people who should’ve cared about you ❤️

Can you help some help? See a therapist perhaps?

And yes - utterly phenomenal weight loss - such a fantastic achievement.

I think it's never too late to turn your life around and wonder if counselling would help you

I believe EMDR can be helpful for trauma, so that might be worth a look

You've done amazingly well, OP. And you're still young. Your life is nothing like wasted. You've been through so much and learned so much. Agree with pp that seeking out some good trauma therapy would help you a lot

Hey OP, you are a survivor of something unbearably traumatic. For 17 years this event has overwhelmed and overtaken your life, understandably, however today you should draw a line under this significant event and turn things around and not allow it to overshadow the rest of your life. You have shared your experience on this forum which is a great first step and I’m sure you will have a wealth of guidance and practical advice.
I would encourage you to join a support group, look for therapy or hypnotherapy to reprogram your brain, make a healthy eating and exercise plan. You have already lost a vast amount of weight which is a fantastic achievement… keep up this momentum. You are amazing and you have a whole lot of living to do so don’t let this awful event hold you back anymore.
Wishing you so much luck and a happy fulfilling life, you’ve got this x

Gosh. I didn’t expect such kind responses. It means a lot. Thank you 💐

I have started therapy a few times but unfortunately financially it hasn’t been a long term solution but I am aware how beneficial it would be 🙂

I’m a bit teary and overwhelmed with such kind responses to reply to everyone but please know I am reading them all x

Get your GP to refer you to therapy or a psychiatrist. There is a long waiting list but the sooner you get a referral, the sooner you'll get there. In the meantime, you could try something like Better Help online therapy - it's a bit cheaper and more flexible, but all online. You can also talk to Rape Crisis and they will arrange for you to see one of their counsellors. Also check out if your employer has a counselling service that staff can self-refer to. You might find some free or low cost counselling in your area - you'll need to have a good google, but it's likely there is something. Youtube also has a lot of therapists who post about various issues and they can be very helpful, too.

I'd consider it a long-term investment in your wellbeing and make it a priority.

You are doing so amazingly well and should be proud of yourself. You've protected yourself and made it possible to be safe from trauma. Now you are in a safe place to start to try to process what you went through and rebuild your life. It's scary but everything is still possible for you. Sending you lots of love

didn't want to read and not comment so <3 it is sad, but it's an understandable response to the trauma you suffered. For me it was a sexual assault at 10 that made my brain think that the worst thing in the world was for a man to find me sexually attractive. Pretty much put on a stone a year for the rest of my childhood.

sending very unmumsnetty hugs💝

I'm so very sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault.
I'd suggest contacting a rape charity for counselling in the first instance.

Thereafter, what do you see your life as being so that you are not wasting it? It's a pretty big philosophical question that even people who are NOT traumatised struggle to answer! Do you want to help others? Or just focus on enjoying life more? Do you have a job/family/friends/religion?

You are worth so much, OP. Here are some quotations which might help you:
"it's never too late to be who you might have been".
"it's only too late if you don't start now"

I wasted a lot of my 20s with food/alcohol issues. I'm now nearly 40 and want to make a difference to others so I volunteer. I feel like I have a purpose now. Perhaps when you are ready you can do something. To help other rape survivors or just people in general!

Re the anniversary - can you make it into something good instead? Make it "that's the day that I make my annual donation to <charity of choice>" or "insert other random act of kindness"

I'd love to hear how you progress.

It’s an incredible achievement to have lost so much weight, well done!

Please can you continue with therapy, especially if it all still seems engulfing. You’re so young still, and you have many, many years ahead of you.

You should be proud of yourself for creating a space for healing and eventually for the next stage of your life.

34 is young, you have so much time.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this, sending massive unmumsnetty hugs and support to you.

I can’t say anything particular helpful about your trauma so won’t even try. Just know there is lots of love and support for you here.

I do want to big up your achievement with your weight however. You do realise that you’ve lost 11stone - like a full person’s weight - and if you’ve come this far you can get to where you want/ need to be.

I lost 7 stone, had my kids and turned my life around when I was 35. You can do anything you want -as you’ve already shown. I’m 46 and feel better now than I did at 26 (when I was at my largest).

Please find a way to get the counselling though, my issues were not as traumatic as yours and it was the only thing which set my head straight. Sorting out your mind is key when you’ve got loads to lose.

Is there any way to get a referral for the counselling through your GP or even save up or ask for assistance from someone?? You already sound like you’ve dealt with everything alone so far, so maybe you don’t have that kind of support. But if there was anyone you could reach out to, it could be so beneficial.

You've already done something absolutely amazing to survive all that. Those people all let you down massively with their flippant comments that had the potential to ruin your life. You've also done amazingly to lose so much weight. And you obviously have a fire and a spark in you that made you do that and makes you now want to live your life.

I say don’t worry about the past. It's in the past. Only your future awaits you now.

What happened happened, none of it was your fault and your reaction was your reaction at the time, a reaction can never be prefect because it's a reaction and not a reflection.

What do you want to achieve for the rest of your life? Whatever it is you can do it.

Honestly your kindness is overwhelming. Thank you.

I’m on the waiting list for therapy but no closer to the top of the list here - I don’t live in the U.K. anymore - (2y ago I upped and moved to another European city on frankly a whim, never travelled in my life and moved countries. If that’s not ridiculous I don’t know what is) and unfortunately private therapy is even more expensive here!

honestly, I just want to live the life I didn’t because my weight held me back, I want to ride rollercoasters and visit places - right now money is painfully tight so I can’t but that what I’d like to do, reclaim something of those years

I think if you want therapy you should have it, but I’ll take a slightly different stance from many posters here. You sound like you have excellent self awareness and crucially you’ve already started to make your life better (losing 11 stone is amazing.)

My story isn’t quite like yours but I certainly only found happiness at 38 and now life is so lovely. My belief is I had to get all the bad stuff out of the way first.

I am sure there is much happiness waiting for you

I am/was in the same situation as you. I was 16 when it happened and I'm 38 now and 22.7 stone. I am just starting to 'Sort myself out' from it. I was triggered the other day after going for a Smear test and everything clicked into place and I realised why I had made myself like this. I managed to have a relationship and get married to a wonderful man who knows what happened to me and I have 3 children but I'm still living with the result of what happened to me all those years ago. I spoke to the doctor who did my Smear test as she was lovely and I had my husband with me for support and she is going to arrange counselling and has referred me for gastric surgery as I'm sick of what happened 22 years from still controlling me so I absolutely know what you're feeling and I hope you can find a way to move forward too ❤️