Aibu to be so sad at what feels like a wasted life (tw:sa)

[NcedForThis]

Bare with me on this.

When I was 17 I was raped by a stranger, told 2 friends and was told I must’ve led him on by one and that I must’ve wanted it by another as I didn’t fight back, 3 weeks later, when out with friends, a drunk guy said “you’re so fat and ugly no one would even rape you”. And my sad and broken brain thought “well that’s clearly not true but this is how I can stop it happening again” and over the next 12 years worked my way up to 30 stone as a direct result.

Because of my size, I didn’t travel, I didn’t go anywhere or do anything, I didn’t go out with friends, didn’t ever end up in a relationship, absolutely didn’t go on holiday, I didn’t learn to drive because I couldn’t get seatbelts on, I endured years of bullying and verbal abuse from strangers over my size, stared at in restaurants and mocked when out.

My 20s were an absolute waste, I did absolutely nothing.

I’m now down to 19st but still struggle with not feeling like I’m that size anymore, I still carry myself that way and still am forever on edge of someone saying something.

I don’t actually think about what happened except on the date it happened which is in a couple of weeks and I’m now almost 34 and I’ve realised I’m twice the age I was when I happened, half my life has been taken up by this and I’m so so painfully sad about it and what could’ve been and I’m angry that he chose me (which is fucking awful, I don’t mean I wish it was someone else, please don’t think that) and I don’t know how to move past it, it feels engulfing. But this also feels like a disproportionate reaction to something that happened so long ago and I should’ve dealt w it differently

I don’t know what I want from this but I wanted to get it out and didn’t know where else to put it

I think I need a bit of a handhold.

Today is 17y since it happened and I’m not managing it too well. I thought I was and felt more empowered yesterday but today I am just overwhelmingly sad. I feel unbelievably alone.

I only have 2 friends in my life now that know what happened, one knows that date but probably hasn’t remembered (and she shouldn’t, it’s not somthing I expect her to put in her calendar!) And the other doesn’t know the date but both have other things going on in they’re lives, I normally speak to them daily at least but have barely spoken to them in a week and have things going on that they need to deal with. I don’t feel I can just pick up the phone and say “her I know you’re going through somthing but I’m really sad about something that happened 27y ago”

it still feels so stupid to feel like this after so long but the beauty of an anonymous forum is that I can be sad and if anyone does judge me then they won’t know me in real life.

I’m just sad and the what could’ve beens

You absolutely should contact your friends. I would be so upset if a friend was going through something like this and didn’t mention it, or only said afterwards. If they’re really not available then please keep posting here if it helps. There are loads of people rooting for you. x