Aibu to be so sad at what feels like a wasted life (tw:sa)

[NcedForThis]

Bare with me on this.

When I was 17 I was raped by a stranger, told 2 friends and was told I must’ve led him on by one and that I must’ve wanted it by another as I didn’t fight back, 3 weeks later, when out with friends, a drunk guy said “you’re so fat and ugly no one would even rape you”. And my sad and broken brain thought “well that’s clearly not true but this is how I can stop it happening again” and over the next 12 years worked my way up to 30 stone as a direct result.

Because of my size, I didn’t travel, I didn’t go anywhere or do anything, I didn’t go out with friends, didn’t ever end up in a relationship, absolutely didn’t go on holiday, I didn’t learn to drive because I couldn’t get seatbelts on, I endured years of bullying and verbal abuse from strangers over my size, stared at in restaurants and mocked when out.

My 20s were an absolute waste, I did absolutely nothing.

I’m now down to 19st but still struggle with not feeling like I’m that size anymore, I still carry myself that way and still am forever on edge of someone saying something.

I don’t actually think about what happened except on the date it happened which is in a couple of weeks and I’m now almost 34 and I’ve realised I’m twice the age I was when I happened, half my life has been taken up by this and I’m so so painfully sad about it and what could’ve been and I’m angry that he chose me (which is fucking awful, I don’t mean I wish it was someone else, please don’t think that) and I don’t know how to move past it, it feels engulfing. But this also feels like a disproportionate reaction to something that happened so long ago and I should’ve dealt w it differently

I don’t know what I want from this but I wanted to get it out and didn’t know where else to put it

@Shiningstarinsummer that’s intresting, I feel like I should have therapy because that’s the logical solution but I am stressing myself out that I can’t be “fixed” without it and I can’t afford it so I appreciate that insight 🙂

Thank you @ChorleyFMcominginyourears , I’m sorry you’ve also been through this.

im not sure how to start sorting my life out but I’m going to give it a damn good shot at making up for lost time!

Similar story here, and sympathise with @ChorleyFMcominginyourears's experience - I can't do penetration and my recent smear was painful and traumatic. I've been in (private) therapy for around 3 years, which has helped me come to terms with things but not yet to fix my disconnect/dislike/discomfort with my body. Maybe we could support each other with reclaiming our sense of self going forward?

I love that idea ❤️

I'm so sorry you've been hurt really badly repeatedly over and over.

If I was your friend back then, I'd hug you and boot him in the balls until his face turned bright red.

I don't have the answer to help you heal but you deserve to feel good about yourself.

Little steps can climb a mountain.
Sending you a big hug.

OP good luck with reclaiming your lost years, and well done on your weight loss.

You are amazing 💐

@NcedForThis and @ChorleyFMcominginyourears have either of you tried yoga? I had it recommended as a good way to get more comfortable with my body, but have a weird mental block about trying it!

@Shablam there's a thread atm about why people have given up yoga. I don't think it's the panacea it's made out to be.

Thanks @ChinBristles, I'll bear that in mind in the (unlikely) event that I do actually get around to trying it.

Hi OP - massive hugs for you.

I'm so sorry about what happened and how crap your friends were.

I had something similar done to me when I was 13.
My parents knew what had happened and blamed me.
So I buried it for 30 years.
And I used to stumble through life, instead of living it.
I was frozen, I did not know what to do and I had no idea how to break out of the fog.

Then, one day, whilst chattering with a friend, it all came pouring out of me, I couldn't stop myself talking.

Eventually I found my way towards professional help and I began attending weekly Trauma Therapy sessions. This has helped me so much. I've gone from having to write down fragments of memories and show them to my therapist (because I couldn't say it out loud).......to starting to date and have relationships. Relationships that now include physical intimacy.

I am writing this to let you know that it is possible to heal and find a way to live again after rape. Recognising that you want and need help is a great step forward. But I say go slowly, find the right counsellor/therapist. I must have met 8 or more before I found one I connected with, one that I felt safe with, one that I trusted.

And for me, it was specifically...Trauma Therapy...which was based on working with what is held in the body as a stored trauma reaction, that helped me heal and release most of the held trauma. I still go to therapy, it is a long process, to do it carefully and to not re-traumatise the survivor. But it does work; if you can hang in there and do the inner work.

I can't suggest how you deal with the financial cost but I can say that it is the best money I have ever spent. I'm massively in debt now, albeit slowly paying it back. But I am free, unburdened and happy.

I hope all this helps, OP.
You deserve to feel safe, secure and comfortable.
What happened was not your fault, and you should not have to carry this any longer.
I wish that you find peace and healing x

Have you taken any steps on your new journey yet.

Something small like a self facial, foot spa, little things to help you feel better. ☺️

Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways. For me, I pretended that it didn't happen and sought validation in various destructive ways. I am now married and my husband knows what happened but all journeys to recovery are different. Rape is a very difficult thing for many people to understand despite it being a very straight forward issue, peoples views never fail to surprise me in the most depressing way. You are still young, my advice is to get out there and live your life, do not let one incident decide who you are. Take control. Lots of hugs

I’m not meaning to rehash the thread but I’m struggling.

this week is the “anniversary” (feels so strange that I remember it annually, I don’t know why but it’s v strange to me) and I am incredibly sad about it, sad about the wasted life, sad it happened and sad that I’ll never know who or what I could’ve been had it not happened

I am so sorry you’re having a difficult day. Your reaction is not disproportionate, the world is often a bad place. You didn’t lead anyone on. No one singled you out, you were simply unlucky enough to be near a bad person who wanted to do terrible things and you happened to be near.

You haven’t been wasting your time, you’ve just done something amazing - that weight loss is incredible. That achievement comes from the part of you that values you and desires health and more from life. You’ve already lit that spark, focus on that and keep going!

Welcome to the sexual assault survivors club, it’s everything you describe and I really wish it didn’t exist. All that dread and embittered anger - it wastes your time, your health, your beauty, your confidence … and that becomes a habit. But it sounds like you’re truly excellent at breaking old habits, no one loses quite so many lbs without being able to form new ones.

34 is an excellent age for new beginnings. I trained for and tried out a new career on a new continent a few years later than that and I’ve had a couple more since then. The boyfriend in my 30s was fun but later ones even better. There’s no time limit on enjoyment or when it stops. The best advice I heard was over 20 years ago from a woman in her 60s who wished she could have told her younger self that “45 wasn’t old” - she’s turned in some amazing career moves since then too.

The world can be a bad place but it’s also often wonderful. The blue sky out there is shining for you, as well as everyone else. If you were the ‘perfect version of you’ right now, what would you be doing? If that’s walking by a lake, browsing a boutique .. go out and try just one small activity, maybe just for ten minutes for starters if that’s all you’re comfortable with - going out can be hard, perhaps more so today of all days.

There might always be some things that you can’t forget but just by taking regular, small outward steps you might find yourself on a different path in life and one day, you’ll might realise that you’re just a little too busy to remember any exact dates, or even care about them xx

Thank you @InternationalWoman0fMystery (and everyone). I wish I wasn’t a part of that club but here we are!

I just want to hide in bed for a few days but I currently don’t have anywhere to live so am living in a travel hostel which probably isn’t helping, I’m sure it’s fine but it doesn’t feel “safe” right now, like anything could happen. Absolutely no reason to think it will though

I’m so sorry. You’ve gone through a terrible ordeal. I think you need to let go of the idea that your reaction isn’t appropriate - it’s entirely appropriate to be devastated at a devastating event. If you were feeling up to it there are people/services you can speak to, counseling and even your GP. But it’s not easy to speak about these things which I also get.

💐thank you

Byiur Response was not disproportionate!
mom severely overweight too and identify with this so much.
i think you can do this and at 19 stone you can fit in a lot of rides (If that helps) I hope you find the peace you deserve x

💐💐

OP - you are awesome, please keep posting, no need to apologise for it!

You dealt with all that, all on your own. Your young friends were awful about it, absolute grade A bitches - I wonder how differently you might have coped if you had had some real support? On top of that, you upped & moved yourself abroad. That is an amazing achievement, to do all off your own bat, & your determination is shining through the sorrow of years you have written about.

I wonder if, while you wait to finally be able to access therapy, some online resources might help? Have you read any Roxane Gay, for example? She endured a similar experience to you, & used some of the same coping mechanisms: she writes about it all in this memoir, & I sincerely hope you find some strength & comfort from her writing - www.amazon.co.uk/Hunger-Memoir-Body-Roxane-Gay/dp/0062362593

You might find this site interesting & helpful too - thebodyisnotanapology.com/about-tbinaa/history-mission-and-vision/

I am so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault, your friends were disgraceful about it, & you deserve support & understanding.

KettrickenSmiled I’m having a big cry in Starbucks at your message. Thank you.

You are a survivor OP & I hope the stories of people like Roxane Gay show you how much strength you, too, have within you.

Thank you, genuinely . I’ve ordered the book you linked to