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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can you help me word a text asking to be left alone?

89 replies

Rsue90 · 15/07/2022 00:44

Very toxic family which I have managed to untangle myself from bar one person who just will not leave me be and keeps pushing to maintain a connection to me and DC.

They are what's known as a 'flying monkey' and completely entrenched with a parent who is the worst of them all. All contact results in me feeling stressed as the conversation always gets steered toward my parents, by them, and all information about me and DC gets fed back to my P's.

I'm not good at asserting myself (that's what years of conditioning has done and im about to start counselling) but would like to make it abundantly clear that I don't want them to contact me, or turn up at my house anymore, which they will probably do when I screen their calls.

I want the least amount of drama as possible and can't rule out them turning spiteful so don't want to be seen as too provocative.

Can you help me word a reasonable text/email that I can send to them making it clear that I don't want any further contact and they're not to turn up at my door?

OP posts:
parenthood1989 · 15/07/2022 00:46

Can you help me word a reasonable text/email that I can send to them making it clear that I don't want any further contact and they're not to turn up at my door?

Just say that. You don't need to be reasonable.

cantley · 15/07/2022 00:48

What @parenthood1989 said.
Then block them.

Original poster
Rsue90 · 15/07/2022 00:49

parenthood1989 · 15/07/2022 00:46

Can you help me word a reasonable text/email that I can send to them making it clear that I don't want any further contact and they're not to turn up at my door?

Just say that. You don't need to be reasonable.

That's true, it might be anxiety causing me to over-think but knowing them as well as I do they are incapable of understanding the negative impact having a relationship with them has on me and therefore will think I'm just being an arsehole (which I don't particularly want, as I don't want any repercussions)

OP posts:
unsync · 15/07/2022 00:55

Unfortunately you can't control what someone thinks of you. You can take control of how you deal with them, which you are doing. Try not to overthink it. 🙂

SeaToSki · 15/07/2022 01:50

Dear X. I have decided that I need to work on my boundaries and therefore will not be in contact with you for the next few months. Please do not contact or visit me. I will reach out to you when I am ready. Regards Parenthood

teaorcoffee6 · 15/07/2022 02:36

What @SeaToSki said

MuthaHubbard · 15/07/2022 02:41

Do you have to text them anything? Can you just stop replying/engaging?

CorrodedCoffin · 15/07/2022 02:43

I would honestly use bits of what you wrote here.

Hi “insert name here”. As you know, I am not on good terms with family, and every time we speak I end up feeling stressed because they take up so much of the conversation. I’m trying to build myself up, and I can’t do that if there is still a connection to the family. I have to put myself first and that means that we can no longer remain in contact. I hope in time you can understand that this is something I must do for my own well being.

If this person actually cares about you, it may sting a little but ultimately they can’t argue with you if you’re saying you need this to be happy. And if they can’t accept that then all the more reason for them not to be in your life. Best of luck.

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 02:57

Don't flim-flam, any ambiguity gives an in.

Be very clear. Do not use apologies. Say exactly what you want to say.

Don't try to be 'reasonable', they are all used to you being 'reasonable', and that's why they keep behaving as they do.

It's time to say no.

Don't say please, don't ask them to 'understand', they won't. So forget about that.

Deep breath.

Xx. Do not contact me any more. I do not want any more contact from you.

And that's it. Don't get into reasons. Don't worry about repercussions. They'll find a reason whatever. So you may as well be as clear as possible.

And then don't respond.

Really, what can they do?

Your fear of 'repercussions' is going to be worse than anything they will actually do.

And then you will be free! Imagine the joy!

Kant · 15/07/2022 02:58

If you want to take a more benign approach:

Thanks for reaching out over the last period of time. When I'm ready to reach back, I'll let you know. Until then, stay well and thanks for respecting my need to protect my own space and well-being for now. I'll be touch at some point, blah...

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 03:05

Thing is @Kant the OP has already made it clear that they're not going to respect any requests, so she may as well be as blunt as possible.

Say what you need to say. Honesty shouldn't be provocative, and someone that's provoked by honesty will be provoked by anything, they're obviously looking for provocation.

If you're very honest and very clear with people like that, what can they actually say?

You told me to fuck off?

Answer: yes.

End of conversation.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 15/07/2022 03:08

i Am requesting that you no longer contact us. Don’t bother coming to my home as you aren’t welcome and the door will not be answered. Any further contact from you will be deemed as harassment.

Regardless of how you handle this chances are they will be spiteful anyway.

If they contact you again follow through with the harassment.

sounds like we have similar family and the only way to get rid of some was to go the legal route.

Kant · 15/07/2022 03:12

Thing is @Kant the OP has already made it clear that they're not going to respect any requests, so she may as well be as blunt as possible

Ah, fair enough. I read it differently. I though the relly was trying to stay in touch, but the OP hadn't actually been assertive yet.

Good luck OP anyway.

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 03:18

True @Kant, we may have read it differently!

CorrodedCoffin · 15/07/2022 03:23

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 03:05

Thing is @Kant the OP has already made it clear that they're not going to respect any requests, so she may as well be as blunt as possible.

Say what you need to say. Honesty shouldn't be provocative, and someone that's provoked by honesty will be provoked by anything, they're obviously looking for provocation.

If you're very honest and very clear with people like that, what can they actually say?

You told me to fuck off?

Answer: yes.

End of conversation.

You also have to factor in how OP feels about giving such a response. They have already expressed that they are not currently good at asserting themselves and wanting to avoid drama. It’s true that their may be drama regardless, but OP should be able to approach it in a comfortable way that doesn’t leave them agonising over what they’ve said. I come from an abusive family and I’m incredibly anxious and if someone told me to go in all guns blazing, I would instinctively feel very guilty afterwards and beat myself up about it. We don’t want that for OP. So yes, if they feel confident enough to simply say “fuck off out of my life” then fair enough, but OP might feel more comfortable approaching it with a bit more tact.

Fraaahnces · 15/07/2022 03:30

I think you might just need to ghost them. They keep pushing themselves onto you and your kids because you let them. Block.

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 03:32

@CorrodedCoffin, I would never advise telling people to fuck off. Because that could be seen as inflammatory. I'm not someone that ever goes in 'with all guns blazing'.

But, 'Do not contact me again'. Is straightforward without being aggressive.

It's a very clear defensive stance rather than an aggressive one.

I understand that if you are from an abusive family that a clear defensive message will probably be seen as aggression. BUT just because there is poor communication within the family that would seem even less reason to carry on in the same vein.

Maybe better to start introducing clarity.

Got to start somewhere.

k1233 · 15/07/2022 03:42

I'd use the words from your post

Please respect my request to cut contact. All contact results in me feeling stressed as the conversation always gets steered toward my parents, and all information about me and DC gets fed back to my P's. This cannot continue, so I am cutting contact with you as well. Again please respect my decision.

CorrodedCoffin · 15/07/2022 03:45

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 03:32

@CorrodedCoffin, I would never advise telling people to fuck off. Because that could be seen as inflammatory. I'm not someone that ever goes in 'with all guns blazing'.

But, 'Do not contact me again'. Is straightforward without being aggressive.

It's a very clear defensive stance rather than an aggressive one.

I understand that if you are from an abusive family that a clear defensive message will probably be seen as aggression. BUT just because there is poor communication within the family that would seem even less reason to carry on in the same vein.

Maybe better to start introducing clarity.

Got to start somewhere.

If the ultimate goal is for OP to distance themself from family, then what they say to terminate this relationship is less about how it’s going to be received (because the family won’t be around any more to react) and more about what OP feels comfortable about saying. Because OP is the one that is going to have to live with what they say, and it’s one thing living with the fallout and another thing living with the fallout as well as being up in your own head about how you dealt with things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a clear defensive method - I am just reading what OP has said about how they feel about the situation and am wondering if the clear defensive method is something they would feel confident enough to go through with.

daisychain01 · 15/07/2022 04:30

Any explanation is an opportunity for the 'rely' to dissect their words, want to have a further explanation etc etc. That's how people like that work, they are incapable of withdrawing and 'leaving them be'. They'll just keep on, and on, and on, ad nauseam

The briefer the better, and the less the OP will risk feeling anxious or over-analysing things later.

A simple

"I've chosen to cease contact, please don't contact me anymore"

is as clear and non-ambiguous as it gets, and it isn't aggressive or mean, it's just fact. And the first part gives the OP empowerment, it's what they've chosen to do.

These situations can generally be terribly painful to begin with but over time, that hurt will fade and the benefit of a non-aggressive parting of the ways is that it gives dignity to both parties, without the need to rip chunks out of each other. It's being the bigger person for the benefit of all. Nothing lost by being kind about it even if the rely is an absolute pain in the arse

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 15/07/2022 05:25

I'd be to the point.

'Xxx Fuck off'

JohannSebastianBach · 15/07/2022 05:48

I'd just text "Don't contact me again" and block them. Don't answer the door if they come round.

They know why and they don't care so I really wouldn't waste my time thinking of a careful explanation.

Anything you say will be reported back so I'd say nothing.

LAMPS1 · 15/07/2022 06:48

You wouldn’t be needing counselling help if you could already send the very direct messages some posters are advising you to send. So how about this….

‘You may have noticed that I’m not responding to calls from family. I just wanted to let you know that that for the time being, I will continue to be unresponsive until I am completely free from (the family) stress and negativity which I am now determined to learn to handle properly. Thanks for not being in contact with me
during this time. I will let you know when I feel better and am ready to accept calls again.’

Then block.
Good luck with your counselling.

Iamsnoopy · 15/07/2022 06:58

Dear x

I have repeated asked you to stop contacting me.
Do not contact me any further by any means or any third parents - any further contact either directly or indirectly will result in the police being called and a case of harassment reported. Your actions by contacting me are causing me distress.

Iamsnoopy · 15/07/2022 06:58

Third parties not third parents !