Can you help me word a text asking to be left alone?

[Rsue90]

Very toxic family which I have managed to untangle myself from bar one person who just will not leave me be and keeps pushing to maintain a connection to me and DC.

They are what's known as a 'flying monkey' and completely entrenched with a parent who is the worst of them all. All contact results in me feeling stressed as the conversation always gets steered toward my parents, by them, and all information about me and DC gets fed back to my P's.

I'm not good at asserting myself (that's what years of conditioning has done and im about to start counselling) but would like to make it abundantly clear that I don't want them to contact me, or turn up at my house anymore, which they will probably do when I screen their calls.

I want the least amount of drama as possible and can't rule out them turning spiteful so don't want to be seen as too provocative.

Can you help me word a reasonable text/email that I can send to them making it clear that I don't want any further contact and they're not to turn up at my door?

Hi OP,

I'd definitely avoid including details about your stress levels and the family dynamic etc as it's just further info that will be fed straight back.

Agree that it should be short and factual. Perhaps something like:

'I no longer wish to have contact with you. Please do not call or come to the house any more'

“Dear relative, It is not possible for me to be in contact with you because of the way communication with you crosses boundaries that I have chosen to put in place. If you are not able to respect this your messages will be blocked and any visits dealt with as harassment.”

Has anyone mentioned JADE? As in: don't justify, argue, defend or explain.

The shorter your message, the better. People have suggested 'I don't want any further contact with you. Do not contact me again' & I think that's about right.

You already know this person is intrusive, untrustworthy & doesn't have your interests at heart. Keep that in mind, to avoid being drawn back in.

You say they may turn spiteful. So they probably will, when you cut them off, no matter how you do it. This is par for the course. There will be attempts to get you back where they want you; when those fail there may be a smear campaign. It's because you've put yourself beyond their control, for the good of your health & your own life. You will have done the right thing; they can't do the right thing. That's not your fault.

FMs may see themselves as saving/preserving the family, as keeping the world as it should be. They may see themselves as having a vital role in 'helping'. They may just enjoy the drama, or feel self-important in their own position as a self-styled go-between. Sometimes the reason someone wants you back in the family is because now you're gone, someone else (maybe the FM) is feeling the heat from the toxicity - if you were back there to take it, the FM could have an easier life, & they're willing to sacrifice you to get it.

Well done on getting out of the toxic environment! That's a heck of an achievement in itself, & a sign of your normality & strength. Please stay strong & resist this FM (ignore, ignore, ignore) - & good luck with the counselling.

Think this is the most appropriate message, factual, to the point and clear

sounds like a narc-you can try messages but they sound like the sort of person that will just turn up anyway-prob being sent to get info from your parents

It won't matter which you send to this person. They will react in exactly the same way.

This is the most important thing on this thread.

OP, you have to steel yourself to ignore at least one lawn tantrum from this person, there's no other way through this. You can do it, especially if you try to view it as a sick kind of comedy, and call the police if and when it becomes obvious trespassing or a disturbance.

"This is despite me being explicitly NC with parents.
I said no, you know how i feel about them, and she just laughed. Making a mockery of my boundaries."

She sounds horrible. I'd just be clear and to the point. Don't give her any ammunition to fire at you.

"I've tried the slow fade before by not answering calls and ignoring texts and she just turns up at the door. My DC always bolt to the window so then whoever is in, either me or DH, have to atleast show our face otherwise she'd probably conclude that we are leaving the DC home alone. She's batshit like that."

If she turns up at the door, just show you face and then don't answer.

Don’t do the ‘I need to work on my boundaries’ thing, you’ll sound like a prat. Only certain types of people on here and in self-help books talk like that and often people just don’t understand that therapy speech. The ‘please don’t contact me again, I’ve made my position clear’ type messages are so much better, and frankly clearer.

For a people-pleaser the advice to always answer the door with your coat on is good :)

If you see the caller and
if unwanted you sigh: 'bad timing - I'm just going out'
or if wanted: you smile 'good timing - I've just got home'

Text:
Truthful but lengthy:
Although asked not to, you have shared information about DC and my life with my NC-parents. I do not wish to have further contact with you. I will let you know if my wishes change.

Direct:
Do not contact me again.

Mysterious:
Do not contact me again. You know why.

Or you could just start feeding the flying monkey with nonsense and let that get back .

1. Keep any message as short and simple as possible. Too much explanation gives more for them to react to.
2. Focus on you not them. Again, gives less to react to.
3. Set clear boundaries.

'I need to take a break from family contact for the next few months. I need there to be no phone calls or visits during this time. I will be in touch with you when I feel able to be in contact again.'

Good luck with that sort of message. I once sent something similar to my elderly aunt when she'd had me running round after her (pointlessly, as she sabotaged everything I did) for months. The day she got that email, she rang me 7 or 8 times & I didn't answer. So she started haranguing me in emails instead, insultingly telling me, 'I left you alone like you said I had to, so WHERE ARE YOU?'.

In fact, I think she said, 'I left you alone to sort yourself out' - i.e. the problem wasn't her, it was that I'd malfunctioned & I had better be back in working order to serve her again.😂