Can you help me word a text asking to be left alone?

[Rsue90]

Very toxic family which I have managed to untangle myself from bar one person who just will not leave me be and keeps pushing to maintain a connection to me and DC.

They are what's known as a 'flying monkey' and completely entrenched with a parent who is the worst of them all. All contact results in me feeling stressed as the conversation always gets steered toward my parents, by them, and all information about me and DC gets fed back to my P's.

I'm not good at asserting myself (that's what years of conditioning has done and im about to start counselling) but would like to make it abundantly clear that I don't want them to contact me, or turn up at my house anymore, which they will probably do when I screen their calls.

I want the least amount of drama as possible and can't rule out them turning spiteful so don't want to be seen as too provocative.

Can you help me word a reasonable text/email that I can send to them making it clear that I don't want any further contact and they're not to turn up at my door?

I like this one.

But be warned, as she thinks your boundaries are silly and pointless, you might have to go harder when she ignores this.

I've been in your situation, OP. You need to be very clear and very firm, but you also need to accept that this person may judge you. If they're part of the toxic family system, then that's inevitable. Just focus on your own healing and family.

Dear X, in order for me to have maintained a relationship with you I needed to feel respected. By talking about people I have no contact with when I have insisted you don't and more recently by suggesting they attend my DCs activities it is clear you to not respect me enough to do as I ask. I have endured this behaviour but enough is enough. I can no longer allow you or anyone else to disrespect my wishes. From now until the foreseeable future I kindly ask you to not contact me anymore, by phone, text, email or in person. I am never changing my mind about 'parents' and I want nothing to do with them. Until you can accept this and do as I ask I will not be in contact and I genuinely hope you can respect me enough to leave me alone.

I would threaten them, and follow through on it. I would tell them if they contact me in any way, or turn up at my house, I will call the police on them everything as it is harassment. If she shows up, phone the police.

If it was me I would do what therapists always advise and focus on how I feel. "Dear x, I feel that contact with the family is bad for my mental health and wellbeing. I feel very anxious each time we speak and I struggle to put appropriate boundaries in place. For my own wellbeing I need to remove myself from the whole situation and focus on my recovery. I won't be answering calls or messages in future while I focus on my own health, and please don't come round as I won't be able to answer the door to you."

I'd make the message short. Any explanations could just be used against you. 'Hello X. I don't want to be in contact with you anymore. Please respect this' (if you're wanting to be civil but to the point). What do you do when she turns up at your house? I think I'd go to the door and say 'X, you're not welcome here. Please leave' then close the door rather than any hiding in your own home stuff. Then if she persists I'd lose the pleases and explain the police will be called if she doesn't leave. 'Your not welcome here. The police will be called if you stay'. Avoid conversation, stick to simple facts. Try and be calm and firm (easier said than done sometimes).

The problem with calling out their inappropriate behaviour is that it gives them an opportunity to argue with you and tell you why you're wrong and it isn't inappropriate. If you simply state your own feelings and the actions you are taking as a result, it's much harder to argue with.

This is good.

I need to say something similar to my brother.

It's still not good for me, I still feel triggered around him as I know he sees everything through my parents' lens. He's such a golden child. At 50.

For a long time I wanted him to see MY SIDE. Because of the need for justice. And because he was always labelled, logical and rational. And he is NOT.

I still have the hope that one day he will GET it. Very hard to let go of that hope.

Dear X,
This may be difficult for you to understand. I have decided to end our contact for the foreseeable. I have my reasons but don't want to discuss them at the moment. Please be assured that I am fine, and please respect my wishes by staying away and not contacting me.
Thanks,
Rsue90

I'm going to draft a brief and concise message asking that they don't contact me for the foreseeable

It's a fair idea on the face of it, but since they already ignore your wishes I wouldn't want to assume it'll work and a letter will just provide more excitement for them

Personally I'd go with a complete ending of ANY communication, and if they turn up at the door or send messages just don't answer. If they don't already realise why you're doing it they never will, and at least it would save you the hassle of dealing with them

I feel for you in this situation as similar has been going on in DP's family for years and we all get dragged into the shit. I agree with pp above. I wouldn't be bothering with a message. I would just stop communicating. You have already tried to say how you feel, but the person has not listened. If they turn up at your door, ignore them. Pretending you're not in is a waste of time anyway, as they will be back. If they know you are deliberately not answering, they'll get the picture soon enough. If you do decide to send a final message, please don't use the phrase 'reach(ing) out/back' in any of its forms. It's just so weedy and lacks weight.

Good luck

As you know, I don't have contact with my family. From now on I do not wish to have further contact with you. Please do not contact me in any or via anyone else way from now on.
Thank you
RSue

You have no need to explain.

This.

It's firm. It's direct. It's to the point. It leaves them no wiggle room to try to say that you didn't actually say it.

(Oh, and yes, as @Iamsnoopy mentioned in their next post, use "third parties" and not parents 😆)

This.

Plain concise language that cannot be misunderstood.
If you call the police you will have proof of a clear request to leave you one.

On a side note, talk to your children about not running to the front door, it can be done.

I would get a video bell too.
Proof for the police that despite your request they continue to harrass you, even if you don't answer the door.

Sounds like she’s going to ignore you, no matter what you say. So this message is for you, not her.

Xxx,
Yet again yesterday you ignored my boundaries regarding our parents. You laughed when I reminded you that I am purposely not in contact with them for my own mental health and well-being.

You should not be surprised to hear that I no longer wish to see you or communicate with you. Spending time with you does not make me feel good. In fact, on reflection I realized that every single time we are in contact I feel like complete shit afterward.

At this time I respectfully ask that you leave me and my family in peace. If you can show me this basic courtesy of honoring my wishes perhaps one day in the future we can rebuild a healthy relationship.

OP

By the way, I have a cousin who is successfully no contact with our entire family. He never has explained and never responds to any form of contact. I think that’s probably the best way to go about this.

Even I who am brutal when it comes to stuff like this would never put fuck off in a text, email or letter.
But I would send a short message, nothing for them to take away, no sorrys, no blaming me or them, just a short no nonsense message.

I have decided to cut contact, do not contact me again.

They cant use any of that to create drama (except for being cut off of course which is where the drama will come from) any sane person would recognise that trying to continue contact would potentially lead to police involvement (which may feed their ego a little but police can be and will be more brutal than you ever could be) theres no blame on either side, so cannot be used to blame you. Relly has some kudos here for staying in contact, so this may sting relly or it may be a wake up call that you are serious. Depends on the reasons relly keeps up contact.

I'm NC with my sister, and just backed off. I'm not spending the rest of my life as the family scapegoat.

I'd get a RING doorbell and have strict words with the DC about opening the door to anyone. Even young kids can be told not to look out of the window if the bell goes. And get some cheap nets or keep your curtains drawn. They'll soon get bored of getting no response.

You can't reason with someone unreasonable and you'll send yourself batshit even trying.

I would actually write a far softer text than many of the ones suggested her. A blunt text demonises you and creates drama: 'She said"never contact me again". I was only trying to be nice!' etc.
Instead write an honest and rational text which shows you ina kind light.

I'd put:
Dear X, I know you have made huge efforts recently to stay in touch and mend the family rift on behalf of X and me. I understand completely that you have the best of intentions. I do not choose to step away from family life lightly. it isn't an easy decision but I have strong reasons for it which you are clearly not aware of, and I am asking you to respect them. For this reason I am asking you to stop calling by or making contact with me, as I will not change my mind. I also ask you to trust my word that my reasons are valid. I know you love X dearly and I'd like you to be able to enjoy time with them without focusing on my decision.
With love @Rsue90

As you’ve identified, they don’t actually care about or acknowledge your feelings, so whatever you tell them is going to be interpreted by them to fit in with their own narrative. They don’t respect your boundaries so whatever you tell them will be ignored. Honestly whatever you say will be a waste of breath, so just say nothing and block, or let rip with all the swears you’ve been holding in then block.

I too am having yet more problems with my toxic mother. When I show her a boundary she attacks. My solution has been to ignore and block. Nothing I can possibly say to her will make one jot of difference to her behavior. she’s quite happy with her behavior whereas I have a huge problem with it, so I’ve had to take control myself, so I’ve decided not to entertain it anymore.

Hi OP, I understand what it is like to feel anxious around asserting boundaries and the agony of scrutinising messages like this for fear of judgment and repercussions. I think @unname makes a good point - this relative has form for disrespecting your boundaries and so what you write is less about her and more for you - so it needs to be firm and clear but also something you personally can live with.

You’ve had some good suggestions here already, but here is my tuppence worth:

“Dear X

Having reflected on our conversation yesterday, I wish to bring all contact between us to an end for the foreseeable future.

As previously stated, I find discussion about the wider family stressful and anxiety-provoking, and therefore I am choosing to remove myself from situations that cause me unnecessary stress and where my boundaries are not respected.

This means I would like you not to contact me by any means, and please do not turn up at my home uninvited as you will not be made welcome. I do not want to engage in any discussion whatsoever about this decision, and I ask that you simply accept and respect it.

Please be assured I am fine, and if I want to have contact I will be in touch with you. In the meantime, I need to be left alone.

Take care”

Good luck OP, I hope you find some
peace from this situation 💐

Dear Family member.

Please respect the polite requests that I have already made to you NOT to contact me at any point in the future either on social media, by phone or in person.

I see you were in contact recently so I would add

“ Following our conversation yesterday I want to confirm that I would like you to respect the polite requests I have previously made….”

etc etc

Good luck op - I had exactly this situation with an aunt.
I had tried to explain why I felt her actions were wrong and upsetting but she still felt she was in the right. So I said something along the lines of "we have fundamentally different views on things and I find your actions hurtful. I hope one day things can be resolved but for now I need us to take a break from speaking. I wish you well"

Then I blocked her. The first 24 hours felt really uncomfortable then I felt totally liberated and haven't looked back!

Honestly, just do it. Whether you choose to say anything or not. You'll feel so much better for it xx

Well done for untangling yourself thus far! It's incredibly hard to do.

With people like this, even if you try not to be spiteful or provocative they will still take it that way. So the best thing is to be matter of fact.

From

Please leave me alone from now on, thank you.

To

Please leave me alone from now on. Contacting me again will leave me no choice but to obtain a non-molestation order with the police preventing you from coming near me again.

It won't matter which you send to this person. They will react in exactly the same way.