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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That's not who I am anymore

60 replies

Margotshypotheticaldog · 14/07/2022 23:35

I had a wild time from around 18-25. Misspent youth, lost weekend ( every weekend) Drink, drugs, alot of bad behaviour. Damaged mostly only myself tbh.
I started to get my shit together around 26/27 and basically rebuilt myself from the ground up. Im proud of who I am now, but I'm not proud of who I was then.
I met someone tonight from home, that I hadn't really seen since the bad old days and she just kept bringing it up. Do you remember when we...etc etc. 😔 I just kept saying " gosh yes, such a long time ago."
Aibu to want the past to stay in the past? It's been over 20 years. I made alot of mistakes but it made me who I am today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 14/07/2022 23:36

I thought I had made my peace with the ghosts Im surprised how much this has affected me.

OP posts:
LondonQueen · 14/07/2022 23:37

We all have a past.

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 23:38

OP I'm glad you had a wild time. That's what being young is for. Then you grow up and have nothing to regret as you have done it all. I am slightly envious of you as my life was the polar opposite.
My mother left us when I was 16 and I turned from being a young girl into Cinderella overnight. I never really did anything remarkable and wish I had !

KittyWindbag · 14/07/2022 23:40

I’m sorry. I totally understand. Next time maybe speak truthfully and say ‘god I’m uncomfortable talking about it. It’s not me any more.’ And change the subject. None of us are who we were when we were younger. I often say when I hear people criticizing the actions of very young people, that I would hate it if people judged me solely by my very worst behaviour at a young age. Wouldn’t we all?

LadyWithLapdog · 14/07/2022 23:41

I wish I could remember all the stuff I did when I was that age. Nothing too outrageous, I just can’t remember much. Enjoy the memories.

EmmaH2022 · 14/07/2022 23:43

It was wrong of her to bang on about it
do you have to see her again?

StoneofDestiny · 14/07/2022 23:43

If you are going to see this person again, just tell them you don't want to discuss the past - tell them you are living in the present and that is what you prefer to talk about.

Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 14/07/2022 23:44

@LondonQueen
We do, are we allowed to leave it buried where it belongs?
@Bunty55
That should be your mother's regret not yours but I suppose that's little consolation

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 14/07/2022 23:46

Don't worry about it. Maybe she secretly wishes she did what you did. 😏

Vikinga · 14/07/2022 23:47

If she knows you from before then that is what she will takk about until you build new memories. There is nothing wrong with a wild past. You had fun and hurt noone.

KitKattaktik · 14/07/2022 23:47

I didn't have a teenage "past" as I thought I had found "the one" but I certainly had a past at 36 after my marriage broke up and before I met my partner. Wished I'd done it at 16!

Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 14/07/2022 23:49

KittyWindbag · 14/07/2022 23:40

I’m sorry. I totally understand. Next time maybe speak truthfully and say ‘god I’m uncomfortable talking about it. It’s not me any more.’ And change the subject. None of us are who we were when we were younger. I often say when I hear people criticizing the actions of very young people, that I would hate it if people judged me solely by my very worst behaviour at a young age. Wouldn’t we all?

Yes, thank you. I will see her again in the next few days most likely. I think this is the best response as it's the truth!
I suppose I just felt like, I can't deny it it's all true, but it was 20 years ago, I've fucking moved on! Stop picking my scabs 😖
Sorry, gross. But that's how it felt!

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 23:50

OP Life throws all sorts of things at us. It is up to us how we deal with it. In some ways it made me grow up as I was quite immature, but it did clip my wings.
Do not be ashamed for having a wild time. It probably shaped your character and helped you to become the person you are !

Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 14/07/2022 23:55

Thank you for the kind responses. I am ok with it I have made my peace. I am choosing to not let her drag me backwards. Too much has changed. I'm honestly a completely different person, mostly because I like myself now, where I think I hated myself back then. I wish I could hug poor teenage/ early 20s me 😔 Poor her.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 14/07/2022 23:57

Vikinga · 14/07/2022 23:47

If she knows you from before then that is what she will takk about until you build new memories. There is nothing wrong with a wild past. You had fun and hurt noone.

OP says clearly that she hurt herself. I can’t see why the lady couldn’t be sensitive and leave the past there.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/07/2022 00:11

Sounds like she did similar but doesn't mind talking about it. She doesn't know you don't want to though, so tell her.

Some people never leave the past and are happy to talk about it constantly.
I have a friend in her 50's who still talks about losing her virginity at 14 behind the bike shed like a badge of honour.

If she brings it up again, maybe say you can't remember much and would like to keep it that way.
Or be direct and tell her how you feel.
As someone already said, it's the only memories you share so not much else to talk about until you make new ones.

Change the subject each time and she'll soon get the message.

Bunty55 · 15/07/2022 00:15

Perhaps the friend does not remember those times as anything but fun?

VeniVidiWeeWee · 15/07/2022 00:26

I would suggest a career as a politician is not a good idea.

Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 15/07/2022 00:27

Yes I do think it's my sensitivity. She maybe doesn't realise that it's a time in my life I don't want to relive, so I'll be move direct next time.

OP posts:
Starriesky · 15/07/2022 00:27

tell her you’re embarrassed and have changed so much. It might surprise you how she remembers it.
unless she’s trying to embarrass you, which I’ve had friends do, then put a firm stop to it. Lots of people have a colourful past don’t worry about it at least you did it whilst young and with no dependents. I’ve known people try to make up for a quiet youth in middle age and it often hurts their family then

Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 15/07/2022 00:29

If she brings it up again, maybe say you can't remember much and would like to keep it that way
This is almost exactly what I did say, she wasn't for turning though!

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 15/07/2022 00:29

You sound awesome. I think you'd be right to tell her, in a really positive way, that you've moved on and would like to focus on the now and the future, not your past.

SouperNoodle · 15/07/2022 00:33

I know exactly how you feel. I went through a wild phase similar to yours in my early twenties and like you, got myself together in my later twenties.
I had a 'friend' who always used to talk about my antics when we were round other people, mostly to embarrass/humiliate me. I asked her many times to stop but she kept doing it so she's no longer a 'friend'.

Mamai90 · 15/07/2022 00:41

I was really wild up until a similar age, I didn't full calm down til around early 30s but started to mellow around age 27.

I had some really good times but as time went on some really dark times and causing pain to my loved ones by my actions. But I still enjoy reminiscing, I think that's just what people do. I do it with people all the time and no matter how wild they'd been I wouldn't expect them to be upset by it.

It's great you've come so far and look back at those times as shaping who you are now, you shouldn't be ashamed it made you who are!

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/07/2022 00:44

It sounds as if she hasn't really grown up and made peace with it in the way you have. You have come out the other side of this lifestyle and processed it and decided to move on. She hasn't.

If you find it traumatic you're well within your rights to say: "sorry its just not who I am and I find it uncomfortable talking about this".

But you could just let it wash over you and be quietly comfortable that you've moved past it. Whatever works for you is fine.