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AIBU?

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Original poster

That's not who I am anymore

60 replies

Margotshypotheticaldog · 14/07/2022 23:35

I had a wild time from around 18-25. Misspent youth, lost weekend ( every weekend) Drink, drugs, alot of bad behaviour. Damaged mostly only myself tbh.
I started to get my shit together around 26/27 and basically rebuilt myself from the ground up. Im proud of who I am now, but I'm not proud of who I was then.
I met someone tonight from home, that I hadn't really seen since the bad old days and she just kept bringing it up. Do you remember when we...etc etc. 😔 I just kept saying " gosh yes, such a long time ago."
Aibu to want the past to stay in the past? It's been over 20 years. I made alot of mistakes but it made me who I am today.

OP posts:
cantley · 15/07/2022 00:52

I think I'd say something like - oh I was wild then! It's so long ago now, I've done so much since then, much prefer my life now.
And keep repeating.

Ticksallboxes · 15/07/2022 01:03

Bunty55 · 14/07/2022 23:38

OP I'm glad you had a wild time. That's what being young is for. Then you grow up and have nothing to regret as you have done it all. I am slightly envious of you as my life was the polar opposite.
My mother left us when I was 16 and I turned from being a young girl into Cinderella overnight. I never really did anything remarkable and wish I had !

Take succour from this OP!

ZealAndArdour · 15/07/2022 01:07

You need to unpick why you hold so much shame about that time, to the point where you’re troubled by discussing it with one of your peers? Maybe therapy?

I’d be uncomfortable recounting the experiences of my teens and twenties to the Queen or my boss, but reminiscing with a friend from that time wouldn’t trouble me at all. I am all of my experiences, the later ones wouldn’t have happened as they did without those that came before.

Neverendingdust · 15/07/2022 01:12

Probably just small town mentality, they’re still reliving the gold old days stuck in the past and you’ve moved on in more ways than one. Totally relatable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2022 01:14

We do, are we allowed to leave it buried where it belongs?

Maybe this is your chance to look at it, process it and move on properly. If it's 'buried' and 'scabs' I wonder if it's still affecting you. You came from that, made needed changes, moved and grew. That's all good. So why is it painful?

tolerable · 15/07/2022 01:48

you changed.
yourself.
the past stays the same . you mighta moved on but girl,you need to accept it is what it is,funk what it was

TreeOfPain · 15/07/2022 02:03

I think this is maybe more about you than about her, it's incredibly common for young people to experiment with substances and sex and it's generally a rite of passage. I bet you so much money that the things you want to 'move on from' are to millions of others just part of growing up.

And those times were quite exciting and fun for lots of people, so it's more that she wants to engage in some nostalgia and reminiscences than 'drag you back'.

You obviously have residual feelings from what you now see as a time when you were feeling a bit lost, I don't know your background but I sense some shame or embarrassment on your part for what was probably absolutely normal behaviour.

I'd say it's probably worth reliving what was actually going on then, either in a very kind and gentle way with yourself or with a decent counsellor, just to try and unpick what's actually going on.

There's something that can be worked through there, I guarantee.

(Unless her reminiscences are actually about the time you buried a few bodies, in which case the police are probably the best option!).

workwoes123 · 15/07/2022 03:56

I hear you OP, I have the same. And my old best friend from uni, who was my partner in crime to a certain extent, loves nothing more than a good old nostalgia session 🙄. We live in different countries so only see each other infrequently but I do find it awkward when she starts reminiscing about all the wild times we had. But she never pushed it as far as I did, and tbh I am ashamed of some of the things I did. Did they make me who I am today? yes, but only in the way that everything you’ve experienced does: I’m not proud of shagging around, excessive drinking etc. I didn’t even enjoy them much at the time, I knew I was hurting myself and didn’t know how to stop.

Part of it is that DH was a very strait-laced teen and then a mature student, so he didn’t get up to half the things I did. He’d be horrified (I think) if I told him some of the things I did.

so while I’ve more or less made my peace with it in my own head (maybe I haven’t really?) I do not like being dragged back to the ‘good old days’ . I haven’t been able to be honest with my friend because I don’t think she’d get it.

Original poster
Margotshypotheticaldog · 15/07/2022 08:53

She wasn't really a friend, more a party scene acquaintance who was around when I was at my absolute worst. It was such a long time ago. I've worked hard to understand and improve myself and I genuinely thought I had made my peace with younger me. Clearly not, based on this reaction. I'm quite shocked at my lack of self awareness to be honest.
No crimes, but a mutual friend did commit suicide at the time which was tragic. I was terrified she was going to bring that up! Genuinely terrified. Ok clearly I need professional insight on this. Thanks to all who responded.

OP posts:
phishy · 15/07/2022 09:02

I've always been teetotal so can't relate specifically but I do have regrets, as most do.

Was she taking part in the wildness, or just watching as a bystander and egging you on?

That would affect my response to her.

Shoopitypoop · 15/07/2022 09:08

I think it's less about your wild past and more that this person clearly has no connection with you as you are now. I'm in my 40s and when I meet up with some friends it just turns into them talking about stuff we did 20 years ago. It's quite sad really because it shows that we don't have that much in common anymore. I certainly didn't have a wild, misspent youth by any means.

TedMullins · 15/07/2022 09:21

You’re of course absolutely entitled to feel the way you do and you should be assertive and tell her you don’t feel comfortable talking about it.

however. It does sound like you’re unusually sensitive - a lot of people have late teenage/early 20s experiences where they behave like that and don’t find it traumatic and uncomfortable. I know I did, I also had self esteem and mental health issues but I don’t look back with shame, sadness or discomfort. I had a lot of fun! I’m a totally different person now but it’s part of my life and it’s not something I feel the need to bury and hide.

it is also a bit tedious though when people’s lives peak in their youth and that’s all they ever talk about, sounds like your friend might have a bit of that going on.

10HailMarys · 15/07/2022 09:34

It does sound like she just sees that time as crazy misspent youth and wild times, and so really doesn't realise that your memories aren't happy. She probably thinks she's just sharing harmless reminiscences. So I don't think she did anything wrong in bringing it up - as far as she's concerned it's something you have in common - but I can also completely understand why you feel the way you do.

Well done for turning your life around and for having the self-awareness to know when you might need some help to work through certain feelings. It definitely can feel like a shock when someone cheerfully brings up a load of stuff we've buried.

Treacletreacle · 15/07/2022 09:42

Perhaps she felt this was all she had to talk to you about. If you were both party girls then. Do you have anything in common now? I have found some people cling on to one thing and thats all they can talk about. Like mother who only talk about the kids. Mayve she is slightly envious of the woman you have become and latched onto your past as that is the only version of you she knows.
Like others have said thats not you now so no need to feel bad.

hellswelshy · 15/07/2022 09:48

Op I can totally relate. I had a difficult period in my late teens/early twenties, stemming from parents divorcing, mother becoming terminally ill & losing her when I was 22. Those years were awful for me and I drank alot, partied and had a fair few ONS. Nothing too dreadful but it was a troubled time for me and I definitely treated some people badly, made some mistakes. An old 'friend' almost gleefully used to try and bring up some of these events. This friend had no real idea of what I was going through, although she knew the facts. We are no longer friends. I am a completely different person now, this was one short period in my life and doesn't define me. I would make it clear that you don't want to rehash the past, and if she can't respect that, she's not a friend.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/07/2022 10:10

There’s nothing wrong with having a past, but if you don’t want to talk about it just say so. She was just trying to find a connection with you by the sound of it.

You are being a bit oversensitive, you feel how you feel obviously, but it’s not a big deal.

Flubber88 · 15/07/2022 10:10

I was told the past will always return on you. A phrase called 'A dog always returns to its vomit".

phishy · 15/07/2022 10:11

Flubber88 · 15/07/2022 10:10

I was told the past will always return on you. A phrase called 'A dog always returns to its vomit".

What a revolting image. How is this helpful?

SleeplessInEngland · 15/07/2022 10:12

It's just someone you once knew shooting the shit. It's not a big deal.

suggakisses · 15/07/2022 10:21

Deny just deny it all . Selective memory and all that

hellswelshy · 15/07/2022 10:37

Flubber88 · 15/07/2022 10:10

I was told the past will always return on you. A phrase called 'A dog always returns to its vomit".

What a bizarre thing to say in context of the OP? !

brianixon · 15/07/2022 11:24

What you have experienced is very annoying. Perhaps annoying is not a strong enough work.
Recently I have picked up with a friend from the 'old days'. He refuses to move on. Talks about events and people from then. Other than business we all had nothing else in common. I have moved house and town several years ago.
You OP have moved on. Well done. We know that change is going on around us all the time. Industries and habits. Use of the word disrupter is common and a compliment in a business. Apple, Netflix, Working From Home. You have embraced change and enjoy it.
If you meet this person again explain it but make it clear that it is a good thing for you that you have moved on and it is a success recommend that she looks for changes and cuts off the past just let it fade away, get too busy to keep on about it.
Best of luck with your next change in about 5years time.

Hendalle · 15/07/2022 12:33

Flubber88 · 15/07/2022 10:10

I was told the past will always return on you. A phrase called 'A dog always returns to its vomit".

This doesn’t make sense in context of OP! She isn’t suggesting that she’s going back to her past party ways? And I don’t think anything she posted has implied the other lady is either - though maybe I missed something.

CamoTeaLaLa · 15/07/2022 12:44

I can relate to a misspent youth, op. I’m fortunate I don’t bump into anyone who ever brings it up…apart from my very best friends, who were there and we all understand each other (then and now).

I’d like to think I’m at peace with it all but the articulate way you describe how this woman made you feel makes me think that in the same situation, I’d feel the same as you 💐 Bit on the spot, bit stunned and speechless…bit confused about whether to confirm or deny! if I didn’t really know (anymore) or trust the person who brought it up I’d struggle for a reaction I was happy with.

On consideration…I suppose a “Oh god, yes that was twenty years ago! Haha” and changing the subject is a go to. Again, “Yep yep also twenty years ago.” Repeat until she starts feeling regretful about living in the past herself, and feeling old, hah 🍪

Bdragon · 15/07/2022 14:16

In my late 20s I cut ties with all friends from mid-teens to early 20s because of this, I really wanted a clean state. I don't regret cutting ties (in my 50s now), I hated the constant reminders, they LOVED talking about what, to me, were the 'bad old days'.