Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

Is this why they say money doesn’t buy happiness? 🤣

For me the devil is in the detail. There’s a lot of unspecified money sloshing around in these pots. It sounds like this is you inheritance so he should keep his hands off. Because people think of inheritance as a large amount. And certainly parents who just gave you a London flat sound rich but you don’t have enough to outright buy a not large in not London, apparently. So actually, the money you have might not massively outweigh what he’s put in over the years if he’s a high earning architect. I don’t think it’s possible to say what’s fair without crunching the numbers.

You need advice from a solicitor, not strangers on the internet. Get advice and protect what’s yours and your children’s.

I would not put his name on the house. Is your name on his property? Is his name on your other property?

Yabu.

If he had the choice of covering the living expenses and bills versus paying the mortgage, I'm sure he would pick the mortgage as he would have something to show for it.

Presuming the costs are similar enough I think you are being very unfair. I'd never agree to it and I would think the other person was being financially abusive.

Tricky.
He earns the money that supports your living expenses and lifestyle.
You provide the childcare that enables him to earn the money.
He doesn’t need to earn money to cover a mortgage for the family home.
You provide the family home he lives in, and the home for his children.

You each provide different things towards your family and household.

So, I think it is YOUR property. But as it is a family home I think you need to approach the refurb jointly, together, and not make him feel like a lodger. Especially as he is an architect. He is putting in valuable expertise!

GET LEGAL ADVICE
GET LEGAL ADVICE
GET LEGAL ADVICE

Look, he may be the saintliest saint ever NOW, but it's hardly unusual for someone to find they had misjudged their other half.

Your working assumption has got to be that he could turn into a malicious dick overnight. Your legal arrangements should be enough to protect you and your assets and the DC's interests.

Do a deed of trust so your inheritance is secure. You would be an absolute fool not to. He could walk out next week, force a sale and take half. Many 'nice' people do exactly that.

Get legal advice
Presumably you can work snd earn money now youngest is 8? If you need more secure earnings

I think you should get married and speak to a solicitor over the assets. He’s paying for pretty much everything right now but you’ve put more in. Which during your lifetime together will probably equal out. You have two children, why the resistance in getting married and jointly owning everything?

This. Your future could, at some point, depend upon it.

I know a lot of posters are with you here but I don't think you're seeing it from his POV at all?

You stopped working 10 years ago and DP's income has been paying all bills since then. To turn around now that you have an inheritance and say you get the upper hand on all renovation and selling decisions is... frankly offensive. (Personally I feel even more so since it's not like you worked for either of the houses, they've been handed to you. I know others will feel differently about that but I would ALMOST understand if your wealth had come from years of hard work that YOU had done yourself and DP hadn't).

Can you imagine DP had said he wants the upper hand on where you're going abroad next year? What washing machine you buy? What colour of sofa? What brand of shoes you have on your feet?

I think you'd be telling him you're a family, you're both making contributions to that family and to wind his neck in. I think if you posted that on MN you'd get a fair few LTB responses.

Honestly, just get yourselves down to the registry office and get married since you're essentially married anyway. Ultimately all of your assets are going to your kids, so what difference does it make? You basically have a rental flat each and a joint property. Easy peasy.

I can sort of see where he's coming from since you have been a SAHM for the past 11 years. Why not have the house in joint names as it still leaves you with a sole property each?

I am not sure if this thread is about interior design, property ownership or both.

You're not married and your inheritance is buying that property so I would probably not have put him on the deeds.

You both have properties which I am guessing are also separate.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP &/or get married with the knowledge that all assets are then 50/50.

I'm sorry to be critical OP but you appear to have had an utterly charmed life financially. You are in a better financial position than your partner (you own a mortgage free flat in London that you were gifted), and your lifestyle appears to be funded by your parents' legacy and your partner's earnings. You haven't needed to work for 8 years.
A joint property for your family to live in should be just that. Not one where you begrudgingly consider putting his name on the deeds, but then insist that all the decisions are yours.

It's not as if you've been together for 5 minutes - you have children together and a 15 year relationship.
Were I your partner I suspect I'd be considering my position very carefully and I would consider your behaviour really pretty selfish.

This is all your money, none of his? And you are not married? No, no, no do not put his name on the house title. Not unless you sort out legal documentation to cover what happens if one of you passes away/ you split up so that you are not stuck with major issues (and potentially inheritance tax!). If he wants his name on the house, he needs to put you on the flat OR get married. Or sort out paperwork with a lawye so you never get screwed.

Just tell him he'll get his name put on the house when you're married. Do not put his name on a house you are paying for if he is not putting your name on his. What do you gain from his name being on the house? Either that or declaration of trust to protect your deposit. Protect yourself OP. x

This /your name only. He keeps his and your keep yours

This!

I'm struggling to see why you'd instinctively put his name on the title if the entire purchase is being funded from your assets, including the ongoing mortgage.

Surely because OP wouldn't actually GET a mortgage on the property without him. Even if a bank would accept the rental income (which I'm not sure they do because it can very easily stop if tenants lose their job and refuse to leave) OP has no job, no income, and 2 dependants.

What bank are going to give her a mortgage in her name only?

I suspect that is why DP is going on the deeds - because on paper he's responsible for the mortgage - and OP is essentially trying to have her cake and eat it by saying she's the one with the upper hand and final say.

So his income is good enough to fund the entire family for 10 years and get a mortgage, but not good enough for him to actually get a say in anything.

We all know what kind of responses this would get if the sexes were reversed.

Absolutely agree @Hingey It's like her DH's salary getting mortgage, her rental income and inheritance going toward all future expenses to do with the house and then him saying she shouldn't be on the deeds or have any say in how the house was renovated or decorated because he bought the house. There would be an uproar on here.

It sounds like your lifestyle is funded by everyone but you (your late parents, your partner), and you begrudge the man paying your bills (and contributing his professional expertise to the house project) having a share in the spoils. You don’t sound like any type of partnership.

Floating deed of trust, that says you own 100% initially, but if he puts in money for renovations then that can buy shares in the property.

THIS is the key point to think about here @Littlething

If things were evened up, if he sold the flat in London and bought in, then and only then would it make sense to share equity. He has never contributed,

You are not married, this is a precarious situation

Your parents left the money to you to provide security for you. Do not do it.
If I inherit from my Mum, it is earmarked from me to my 3 daughters. That will only be spent on house deposits and will be absolutey ring fenced unless they are married.

Absolutely no way should he be on the deeds. If you split up you have no rights to his assets (like his pension) but he gets half the house you paid for. The best protection for both of you is to get married.