Who should really own our house?

[Littlething]

I will appreciate some advice and fresh perspective on my situation please. Sorry if it is a bit long.
Me and my partner of 15 years (two dc, 11 and 8) are about to exchange on a house that we are buying with the money I inherited from my late parents. There will be a small mortgage, paid out of rental income on my flat in London. We moved to where we are now 2 years ago from London for his job. We were renting here while we were looking for a house to buy paying rent out of the income on my London flat. I have stopped working after my youngest was born, my dp has a good job (architect), that covers our bills. My parents gifted me the flat in London, so we lived rent/mortgage free and they gave us cash for holidays, new car etc, we would not be able to afford it otherwise. We spend rather carefully, shopping in H&M and Lidl but we like to entertain, go to the theatre and children have lots of hobbies. My partner has a flat in London that he bought before we met, he pays mortgage on it and rents it out, so mortgage is covered.
The house we are buying here is small and will need extension and loft conversion, it will be paid for with what’s left out of the money my parents left me. For context, we decided to buy a small house (in a not very ideal location) because it is all we can afford without selling mine or his flats and he is strongly against selling since “it is our pension”.
I agreed to put both our names on the title. I want to make it clear that he is a kind and loving person, he is my best friend and the children adore him. I do not want to upset him by spelling out that it is my money that we are spending on the purchase and renovation. However when I said the other day that I expect to have an upper hand when it comes to decisions to do with renovating (and maybe selling when the children are off to Uni) he got very upset. He feels that he will “pour all his energy, time and skills into the house and will be left with nothing”. He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised. AIBU to expect him to see it from my perspective?
Many thanks for reading and sharing what you think.

It will settle the matter rather than solve it. As you don’t want to risk splitting the assets it is probably not the solution for you.

You need to talk to a lawyer and an accountant. It sounds like your parents did some
canny estate planning. Did they have either that you would trust?

It would probably help us if you shared some rough figures, it’s hard to work things out with limited information.

I think this situation is just sad. If a man were plotting to make sure his wife didn't get her claws on any of his inheritance, didn't want her to have a say on decor because it all belongs to him but she was a housewife and doing an amazing job of looking after everyone then the tone would be different. If I were this man and I read this thread I'd be out of there in no time. Frankly I'd say to him, run!

I would need to be married before putting my assets in his name.

It sounds like it won’t be as simple as ringfencing this property as ‘yours’. In the event that you split he would have some claim on the value if he could show that his architectural drawings / labour etc contributed to the increased value of the property. You really, really need to talk a solicitor.

She doesn't need to share figures.
His flat is worth x, hers is 3x and inheritance 2.5x.

She's worth 5x what he is but is keen to ensure he doesn't get his hands on her money.
He works, they live off his income.

They need proper financial planning to ensure both their interests are looked after.
He especially needs to make sure he is looking out for himself, if they split tomorrow he'd be struggling because his flat is still mortgaged.
Op is looking out for herself.

Why doesn't he pay the mortgage on the house and you pay all the bills with the rental income? And that way he's contributing to the house? I don't work and my husband provides all the money- if he told me that meant I don't get a say in the house or he gets a bigger vote than me id be voting with my feet.

This is very true. Maybe he should be paid professional rates for every drawing he does.

I agree with this

@Littlething I think you need some proper financial and legal advice.

I think you also need to see it slightly from his perspective - just because you are the one putting the money into it (which should be ringfenced before you put it) doesnt mean you get the final say over the extension.

Sort the finances out so it is protected - as inheritance that is the right thing to do. But then leave the notion that somehow that means you can make all the final decisions there. And go into it understanding that it is as much his home as yours and that does not give the right to has the say. You are a partnership these decisions should be discussed.

Because some of your perspective on this comes across as that you simply feel your money allows you all the choices and if I were you partner that would make me want to walk

*She doesn't need to share figures.

His flat is worth x, hers is 3x and inheritance 2.5x his*
I think knowing the rental income (the amount she has been paying into the family pot) and the amount of the ‘small’ mortgage would be helpful.
His flat May be worth 25Ok, hers 750k and therefore for the rent she is receiving is high, let’s say over 2k a month which is like a salary.

I understand where you are coming from OP I also own our house and we are not married. People are making out that its selfish to not want to have to sell the house if you split, but for me I am more concerned about what would happen on death. I want my house to go to my children, not my partners potential new family.

Don't give him anything.

If you die and he gets your assets he can remarry and his new wife will get your assets NOT your DC's!

@Littlething
In your second post you say ".... I might have a chat with solicitors...." after many posters have said it was very important to do so.
I think It's imperative to do so.

Because if that happened she'd be the one throwing her income down the living expense drain and he'd be protecting his in the fixed assets.

Too many people are missing the inherent unfairness of one partner spending their income on all the running costs and being denied the opportunity for a stake in a shared asset investment (the family home).

The OP is actively choosing to protect all her money by investing it in the home and not allowing her partner the same opportunity. She is deliberately choosing to financially disadvantage her partner.

Yes, I can't believe the cheek of it! Setting up the finances so that her money goes to the asset-building expenses and his cover everything else, then claim he shouldn't get anything because he never contributed! I hope he gets some professional advice and pulls out of the mortgage if she continues with this ridiculous, and frankly abusive, idea.

Not finished reading the full thread but the part about him not having a day in decor is ridiculous. No wonder he's annoyed

Imagine if he said "I pay for living expenses. I get to decide what you wear, where we eat and the hobbies we do".

“He also said he feels his contribution to our finances is major because all his salary is spent every months, he provides for us and this needs to be recognised”

this definitely needs to be taken into consideration imo

So if he had a flat worth x in London, absolute minimum £200k. She is worth 5 times that. Most millionaires would employ professionals to help them with things like this rather than an internet forum.

Depends whether you want help, or you're looking for validation.

I think both the OP/DP would have been comfortable with the previous split as it would have been broadly equal.

Now with the new property OP is switched to personal empire building and he is deigned “serf”, he’s probably realised with the decorations/upper hand comment that you don’t see it as a partnership, you see yourself as CEO and him as an underling or grunt, merely providing the peanuts but not of great importance or worthy of input.

You think you can decide the financial setup to wholly benefit yourself when he is merely the name on the mortgage. (With all the associated assessments and commitments his legal responsibility), and allow him to continuing to fund all running costs.

The shift in dynamics is revealing selfish traits as you seek to use him firstly via his ability to get a mortgage, then secondly you deign his income to pay all monthly sunk costs and this will financially progress yourself only.

I’d be devastated if I was DP and suddenly saw this situation unfold within my family unit. I’d also be forced to consider leaving, as I would not tolerate being treated like an underdog and used in this way to financially benefit my “partner”, and would definitely not be putting my name on any mortgage under these circumstances. Agree it’s an absolute piss take.

This is broadly correct, the mortgage is about 0.7x.
I am not looking for financial or legal advice here, though I am very thankful for all the comments. I am just having a bit of a wobble, it is a big deal to buy a house together and draw a mortgage together.

@Littlething - it is not a “big thing” for the partners in a stable family unit of 15 years’ duration to buy a house and get a mortgage together - it’s a fairly standard approach. Not looking for financial and legal advice first, however, is a very odd approach to take.

What makes you think they’re being undervalued?

The point is that usually a SAHP is enabled and supported by a working partner, which OP is, except she’s making this false delineation that the (rental) income she makes from her inheritance is hers to pay the mortgage in her house, whilst his wages pay the bills. Yet his wages (as well as her deposit) were needed to secure that mortgage and he could reasonably expect that a SAHP and a WOHP would take a “one pot” approach to income, if not to capital.

There is nothing to stop her ring fencing her capital, after all.

It’s a big thing if you’ve never had a mortgage before and every penny of your inheritance is sunk into it.

Why would it be a “big thing” after 15 years and two children? If you protect your deposit, then the mortgaged/shared portion is quite small. There is not much risk to you at all. You could buy him out if you needed to.

Did your parents drum some pretty hardline messages into you about the importance of guarding the money? Family, children and harmony matter too.

Protect your deposit by all means . Either you trust the guy enough to have a joint mortgage - and joint decor choices - with him by now or you don’t, though. If you don’t trust him enough for him to own a (small, mortgaged) slice of the family home, it might be better to let him go.