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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep 7 year old DS home from camp

60 replies

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 21:45

Hi all, I'm looking for advise please. DS,7, has always been a good kind boy but in the last year there is lots of fibbing when he thinks he will be in trouble and it's really really becoming a flash point. He gets punished when he does something wrong so I can see why he lies on one hand but I cannot bear lying and I don't trust him at all now.

He has been at a camp the last 2 days. Finished camp yesterday and I found his full water bottle in his bag, when I queried it he told me 10 different random tales until he finally admitted he didn't like the bottle as it has 'baby' designs in it and told the camp coordinator that he didn't have any water and they had to go trying to find a cup to fill all day long for him. It's a sports camp. I then got email last night reminding me water was essential. I had strong words and warned him about lying again.

Today the water was fine but after me giving him the Spanish enquisition he admitted that he was jealous of the other kids having treats in their lunches (which the camp had asked us not to give) and so went around to all his group begging them and badgering them to share their treats pretending he didn't have a lunch even though some were getting annoyed with him and shouting at him to leave them alone.First he said it was one kid then two then all the group. Then he only did it today and finally admitted yesterday too. One of the moms sent me a text tonight basically gently asking me to stop him begging for her sons lunch.

I am so so cross at my DS and humiliated that these people now think we don't feed or water him . And I just threw out his entire lunch box of sandwiches and fruit and crackers and a flapjack.

AIBU if I keep him home from camp tomorrow to teach him a lesson?

OP posts:

AppleKatie · 12/07/2022 21:51

I’m not sure keeping him home would achieve your ends.

I would pack him the lunch and water that you feel is appropriate and tell the staff where it is. I would also speak to them about his behaviour and ask them to keep an eye on him.

Have stern words before he goes about how you expect him to behave.

ultimately you are sending him to camp to learn how to socialise and he evidently needs more practice.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/07/2022 21:57

Agree with PP. A word with the staff and a very clear warning on expectations before you drop him off.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 22:08

I really really came down hard on him tonight. I was so shocked and then so embarrassed and humiliated at what will be said by these kids to their parents about him and told him so. I told him I can't believe his behaviour and lies and that I don't trust him anymore. That he broke his promise. My DH repeated the same more or less and we sent him to bed alone without a story which is a huge deal to him.

Now all I'm thinking is he won't tell me the next time to avoid punishment. How do people handle lying and then finally telling the truth?

OP posts:

AppleKatie · 12/07/2022 22:15

So now is the chance for him to move on.

when it’s calm tomorrow tell him that the only bit about his behaviour you are proud of is that he told the truth and you are so pleased to see this sign that the ‘real’ him is in there. Then explain to him how he wins your trust back (good behaviour at camp)l. Explain very clearly why you are going to be asking the staff about him and how much you are looking forward to finding out how well he can behave when he tries.

Hankunamatata · 12/07/2022 22:16

Urgh iv adhders who lie quite a bit. I now usually ask them what I need to know then tell them to go away for 5 mins to think about it (they panic when put on the spot and lie instantly even stupid things). We have the rule that if you tell the truth when you get caught there is small punishment but if you lie the punishment is much worse. It slowly has worked.

I'd talked to the camp leaders about his behaviour and ask them to supervise more closely at lunch.

WinterMusings · 12/07/2022 22:18

Sometimes they're properly awful aren't they!

ate the other parents, parents you know/from school or are they 'just' from this camp?

I'd talk about the actual 'issues' - water bottle/treats and try to work out a resolution.

But I'd punish for the lies. Make telling the truth pay.

I wouldn't have sent him to bed with no story, feeling loved unconditionally is important. It's not a nice punishment to take your time/care away and it won't make him behave better.

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 12/07/2022 22:22

Does he really never get to eat junk food op? I would worried he is so desperate to be like them he is getting himself into a state and lying...

Grumpybutfunny · 12/07/2022 22:22

It sounds like he is desperate to fit in, you can't reward the bad behaviour but I would say something along the lines of you behave for the next X days of camp and eat your own lunch then we can go get a new water bottle from wherever he thinks in trendy. My DS is 8 nearly 9 and it's all about hype.

The snacks is a hard one I am that parent who would have sent treats as it's the school holidays and I don't believe any food should be forbidden no matter what healthy eating policies exist

Axahooxa · 12/07/2022 22:23

I think it’s dealt with. Don’t punish further- it’s time for follow up conversations that are not telling him off. Don’t feel embarrassed either- this is just something he’s currently struggling with. You’re not a bad parent; he’s not a naughty child. It’s normal and just needs to be talked through regularly over the following weeks.

Axahooxa · 12/07/2022 22:24

I’d also show what happens when he talks to you and opens up with honesty- I’d get him a new bottle (you could get him to earn pocket money for it with a few jobs) and I’d give him a treat of choice every week or so.

OneEyedPenguin · 12/07/2022 22:27

I told him I can't believe his behaviour and lies and that I don't trust him anymore. That he broke his promise. My DH repeated the same more or less and we sent him to bed alone without a story which is a huge deal to him

Wtf? He's only 7 years old, no need to be so horrid towards him. Poor thing, I bet he feels absolutely hated and unloved at the moment.

Could the problem be that he doesn't feel comfortable enough with you to ask for a different water bottle of treat etc? You seem quite harsh and he sounds like he just wants to fit it.

LittlePumpkinPie21 · 12/07/2022 22:28

Sounds like he's wanting to fit in with his peers, support him to be on an equal footing with them.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 22:31

Thank you so much for the replies I really appreciate them.

He gets treats regularly. He gets unlimited, and I mean UNLIMITED, junk when at grandparents when they look after him one day a week and he usually gets a treat maybe 3 other days at home and we have a big movie night with treats at weekend.

It seems like he just behaves totally out of character when trying to 'show off' and fit in when away from us. I admit I am v strict and expect a lot from him, and myself and everyone, which can be hard to live up to.

I just am struggling with how to punish the lies when the truth is finally told without it seeming to him that it would have been better for him to not tell the truth. If that makes sense

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/07/2022 22:35

I think you are being a bit harsh. Don't worry so much about what other people think and consider what is motivating your son's behaviour. Is he suffering low self esteem?
Keeping him off tomorrow would be a huge overreaction
His behaviour is silly and attention seeking but it's not malicious or nasty. Other parents will just think he's been a bit daft that's all.
Also why throw out his lunch? Surely most of it was still fine after 1 day?

OppsUpsSide · 12/07/2022 22:39

There is very little (any?) mention in all of that about your sons feelings and ALOT about yours.
He didn’t do any of those things to humiliate you - how do you even expect him to comprehend that as an idea at 7? You are very cross with him for humiliating you when he was trying, in a 7yr old way, not to feel humiliated himself (babyish water bottle).
You come across as very self-focused and immature so the fact your 7yr old isn’t behaving maturely with a sense of how their actions affect others isn’t hugely surprising. Rather than seeking out punishments for the child, try fixing yourself.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 22:39

Unfortunately the lunch was all soggy and bashed around, presume from the heat today bag being thrown and moved around etc. I always give him a fresh one in the mornings. That he picks himself! He had never mentioned that others had treats or junk until tonight but even so I don't know if I would have sent some with him today if he had mentioned it.

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 12/07/2022 22:40

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 22:31

Thank you so much for the replies I really appreciate them.

I just am struggling with how to punish the lies when the truth is finally told without it seeming to him that it would have been better for him to not tell the truth. If that makes sense

In general I don't think punishment is an effective motivator. He has to want to behave well and be truthful because he feels loved and respected and trusted, and feels the same about you. Excess punishment just leads to lying and deceit and a feeling that he can never be good enough.
I'd work on building a good relationship with him, you can be strict without punishment.

StarlingsInTheRoof · 12/07/2022 22:41

You could consider that he is lying because he is scared of you. It sounds like this time the punishment is because he embarrassed you, not that he did anything terrible. Start working out what actually stops the lying rather than how punishment must be the answer.

Tell the other parents you do feed him, remind him that the natural consequences of annoying everyone is that they won't want to play with him and get him a more grown up water bottle. You're not going to be able to stop him showing off. He is trying to work out how to interact with other kids and is probably a bit behind following lockdowns stopping that from happening at a critical age. Give yourself a chance to wind down too and see what you can enjoy together.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 22:43

Thank you everyone I really do appreciate all the replies, from all perspectives, and am taking them all onboard.

OP posts:

DillyDilly · 12/07/2022 22:46

“I admit I am v strict and expect a lot from him, and myself and everyone, which can be hard to live up to”

I think this is the cause of your DS lying. It sounds like you are far too harsh with him and he’s afraid of the constant punishments and having to always ‘be good’.

His behaviour in asking others for food is a little unusual though, so maybe keep an eye on this as there may be issues at play ? Though you probably badgered him so much about who he asked and when, he can’t remember himself. It may well have been just one or two others.

OneEyedPenguin · 12/07/2022 22:47

I just am struggling with how to punish the lies when the truth is finally told without it seeming to him that it would have been better for him to not tell the truth. If that makes sense

Don't punish. Praise the truth. When you're asking him something that you think he might be being untruthful about reassure him that sometimes we all mess up and it's no big deal as long as we tell the truth. If we tell the truth then we can work together to find a solution and that better to own up later than never.

* I admit I am v strict and expect a lot from him, and myself and everyone, which can be hard to live up to*

Get over yourself. He a child not a small adult, he's his own person. You'll be crushing his self esteem and confidence. I'm sure you don't live up to some people expectations, it's just that they're not in a position of power over you to make you feel crap.

DillyDilly · 12/07/2022 22:48

What exactly did other parent say - maybe her child mentioned that yours was asking for a treat and she was just trying to tell you that it was ok to send treats and you misread the sentiment of her text.

Original poster

IrishMama2015 · 12/07/2022 22:49

'Though you probably badgered him so much about who he asked and when, he can’t remember himself. It may well have been just one or two others.'

@DillyDilly yes I think you are right about badgering too much as I kept trying to get to the bottom of the whole truth

OP posts:

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 12/07/2022 23:04

You seem very quick to punish, rather than connect and understand. Being very strict does nothing other than to put a bridge betwixt your child and you. It's not laudable parenting to have a child that complies out of fear, and has probably started lying out of fear.
You allow him to be himself, so he probably annoys the other kids due to his (unrecognised) inauthenticity.
He's 7. Make the changes now before you totally cruah his personality via your expectations, demands and authoritarian ways.

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 12/07/2022 23:06

Did you give him a different water bottle today? One that he is more happy with? I think yabu, i have a DC the same age. I wouldn’t have told him off for the water thing I’d just have asked him to tell me straight away next time so that I could sort it earlier and given him a hug as sounds like he was desperate to fit in. Now the food. In the morning talk to him about what he wants in his lunchbox. Id give him some options and choices that I’m comfortable with and that I know he likes. If he literally only wants sweets/treats that you don’t feel
comfortable with, how about a compromise that you will bring the treat at pick up and he can eat it then if he’s been good and not hassled the other kids for their food? Try to compromise somehow. Talk to staff at drop off and pick up and see how he’s done with water and food. If you can get him to talk to you after camp tomorrow I’d ask if he has friends there and if he likes it and how he feels at camp. Try to understand what’s going on with him.

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