To keep 7 year old DS home from camp

[IrishMama2015]

Hi all, I'm looking for advise please. DS,7, has always been a good kind boy but in the last year there is lots of fibbing when he thinks he will be in trouble and it's really really becoming a flash point. He gets punished when he does something wrong so I can see why he lies on one hand but I cannot bear lying and I don't trust him at all now.

He has been at a camp the last 2 days. Finished camp yesterday and I found his full water bottle in his bag, when I queried it he told me 10 different random tales until he finally admitted he didn't like the bottle as it has 'baby' designs in it and told the camp coordinator that he didn't have any water and they had to go trying to find a cup to fill all day long for him. It's a sports camp. I then got email last night reminding me water was essential. I had strong words and warned him about lying again.

Today the water was fine but after me giving him the Spanish enquisition he admitted that he was jealous of the other kids having treats in their lunches (which the camp had asked us not to give) and so went around to all his group begging them and badgering them to share their treats pretending he didn't have a lunch even though some were getting annoyed with him and shouting at him to leave them alone.First he said it was one kid then two then all the group. Then he only did it today and finally admitted yesterday too. One of the moms sent me a text tonight basically gently asking me to stop him begging for her sons lunch.

I am so so cross at my DS and humiliated that these people now think we don't feed or water him . And I just threw out his entire lunch box of sandwiches and fruit and crackers and a flapjack.

AIBU if I keep him home from camp tomorrow to teach him a lesson?

Lovely update.

What a brave and insightful update op. We ALL make mistakes at parenting. I do every day! People on mumsnet do often have good advice but there are some astonishingly perfect parents on here too according to their posts.

Have you had a think about your own childhood and where the fear of humiliation or of being embarrassed by bad behaviour comes from ?

My flaws as a parent are the other way..I'm far too Liberal.snd my kids don't listen to me at all ! I'm also trying to work on it..for me the bottle thing wouldn't even register as naughty. I think I would just feel sorry for my kid thst they felt that shame which is so tough as a child.

The begging snacks is something you have to crack down on as in life kids will find it annoying if he behaves like thst but again..he is 7 and learning the way of the world....

I always punished lying more than bad behaviour.

Behaviour id try and teach a better way or discuss with ds what he had learnt from making that mistake and what he'd do in future.

For today I'd send him with his packed lunch.

I would make it very clear that if he'd come and talked to me about the water bottle and lunch we could have solved it together. Therefore instead of taking same bottle and lunch today, losing a story and another punishment for lying he'd have had what he wanted to be happy.

It's a little worrying he couldn't tell you at the time or beforehand he didn't like his water bottle. You may need to open communication more so he doesn't feel the need to lie in the first place too.

I'd keep sending him, tho I of another punishment and be clear it's because of the lies. Otoh though I was the kid with the shit healthy lunch with no treats and I remember the want for the stuff everyone else had was strong. I even remember stealing extra snacks from the childminders as they had good ones so I could take them to school the next day and be like the other kids instead of having an apple while they had their iced gems, penguins or tangy toms. It's the holidays I'd definitely add a treat or 2 to a healthy lunch. Maybe he could earn. New water bottle of his choice if he's embarrassed by that one?

I am ashamed to say I recognise a lot of my parenting in peoples posts. He has said he was afraid to tell me about the bottle as he knew I would be cross as it's a relatively new one that he had chosen in shop.Now in hindsight it's just a bloody bottle and he is just a kid.

There are clearly me issues in my approach to this and other similar situations where I am making things a huge deal and focusing on the wrong thing. I'm hung up on being 'normal' and blending in and getting things right. I will start working in this today and have asked DH to help me with perspective when I'm in the wrong.

Genuinely thank you for all advise

So very brave of you OP to post so openly and to change your approach. I’d love to say I always get it right but I don’t, kids don’t come with a manual and my own reactions can take over. The important thing is to reflect on what you want in our relationship with our children and to repair things when we get it wrong. Good luck going forward.

You know what?

None of us come with knowing what to do and say.

But you've taken on board advice from those of us who've been there and learned from our own mistakes.

So you and ds will be fine.

You just have to reset and alls good.

Well done OP.

By the way, he probably did like the bottle when he chose it - but then someone has told him it's babyish and he now feels embarrassed of it, and embarrassed to tell you that he's wasted your money. It's not easy being 7 and jostling for position with other kids.

Oh how lovely to see this morning’s wee chat.

You sound like a nice woman OP who has just gone rather OTT in 'extreme parenting' Just try to remember that you are not perfect, your little boy is not perfect and try and lighten up a bit, all children tell the odd fib, particuarly when they become aware of wanting to fit in and find their 'tribe'.

The one thing I will promise you is that if you continue with your current way of parenting you will end up with a secretive, unhappy child who will never really be able to trust you have his back.

As you say, its just a bloody water bottle, not a hand grenade! pick your battles, you have many happy years ahead with your little chap, enjoy them!