To think this is an insurmountable menu challenge?

[heelhunk]

I thought I could cope with a family gathering with a range of dietary requirements, but I've just had two last-minute vegans added into the mix.
So now I've got to provide lunch and tea for 13, including two coeliacs, one also dairy-free, one diabetic, one wholly carb-free, one high protein, one vegetarian, the two surprise vegans and a teenager who seems only to eat cucumber and cheese free pizza. The remaining guest are big eaters, who love their puddings.

Shall I emigrate, or develop strategic Covid?

I agree with the vegan and meat chilli idea with sorbet with fruit salad for dessert. I'd just do normal rice and some would just have the chilli. Otherwise you'll hours or spend a fortune trying to accommodate everyone.

spend

“High Protein is recovering from a long hospital stay and been advised to maximise protein intake. You are right that there are groups, and that is an easier way to think of it.“

That’s just ridiculous.
Surely they just maximise protein in all the meals they’re cooking themselves this week?
I’d be embarrassed to ask a host for a high protein meal!
The most I’d do is say, “hey, I really need high protein at the moment so I’ll be bringing a plate of chicken and eggs - hope that’s OK, count me out of the catering thank you.”

I did something similar once. I made a Mexican mixed bean chilli and did a separate slow cooker pulled pork for the meat eaters to add to theirs. Sides were rice, cauliflower rice, salad, dips, cheese, nachos. It went down really well

This sounds like the average meal in my house!

Wow that is alot of dietary requirements in a group of 13 people! It is definitely becoming more normal these days.

Jackfruit biriyani, chicken tikka and black lentil dhal, plus naans for those who can eat them. Raita with dairy free yoghurt. Mango chutney. All from the Dishoom book.

Don't invite them again.

It sounds mad and a pain but when you break it down this is easily resolvable by some of the suggestions e.g. the high protein and the LowCarb is the same/similar, so all of the suggestions above including a veg chilli would work.

In think the key thing is to make it obvious so you’re just being asked all night what people can and can’t eat. I would do cold buffet with almost zero cooking so you can have some fun too!

• green salad
• heritage tomato salad
• crudities and those gressini breadstick things
• dips including things like beetroot houmous
• a superfood salad - one or two of those quinoa pouches, baby spinach, toasted pine nuts, avocado, maybe roasted butternut squash.
• a tuna/bean/olive salad in vinaigrette for the dairy free/high protein types —and any passing pescatarians who come just to fuck with your head— There’s a nice one with fennel on Waitrose site.
• some quiches, things like cheese and caramelised onion so no ‘is it meat?’ questions
• individual dairy free/vegan quiche/tartlets (bought) for specific people
• a cheese board and
• cold roast gammon
• lots of crusty bread and a separate (ideally wrapped) gluten free bread basket/tub
• oils (decent olive, walnut) balsamic vinegar, good butter, a couple of (bought) dressings

then gluten free types can eat everything except bread and pastry
vegetarians can eat everything except meats and fish
dairy free can eat everything except cheese, butter and dairy dips (just check ham fir extra ingredients)
vegans have stuff to eat

depending on how much you like them/have time you could add
• roasted veggies - peppers, aubergine, sweet potato, courgette etc, done in advance
• charcuterie board
• things like olives, walnuts, grapes, dried apricots on cheese bord. Also chutneys and pickles.
• potato salad made with vegan pesto (for question avoidance)

pudding I would do small bowls of soft fruits (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, peaches) with a bit of mint and choice of thick cream or mini ice cream tub.
if you’re feeling generous get some mini vegan ice cream tubs too

lots of rose, cold beer, iced water etc and it’ll be grand!

Roasts can work for such a mixture because people can just eat the bits that fit their chosen diet. DP and I once did Christmas lunch for a similar combination (plus someone who eats meat but won't eat any vegetables other than potatoes!).

We did a nut roast and a vegetable bake for veggies/vegans, turkey and gammon for the carnivores and I made sure I cooked the roast potatoes and parsnips in sunflower oil so everyone could eat them. Everyone helped themselves to whatever vegetables they liked. Puddings were Christmas pud with the usual stuff and fruit salad with vegan ice cream.

Admittedly, we had some help from my SILs, and the 2 grannies cleared as we cooked, plus we were in SILs massive, megabucks kitchen which was very well appointed.

The only thing that pissed me off was two of the "vegans" who decided Yorkshire puddings were fine, even though they had eggs and milk in them, and one of them also ate cauliflower cheese, knowing it was dairy!

Tea was a buffet of cold meats from earlier, cheeses (inc a vegan one), salads and different breads inc gluten free.

NOT being asked obviously 🤦🏻‍♀️

our cantine served vegan pumpkins filled with curried cauliflour & rice for halloween.
toppings like feta, fried lardons, cooked chicken, olives... were available to those who wanted. but it was lovely as it was.

Surely the high protein can eat whatever everyone else is eating & supplement their "high protein" diet with other meals/snacks in the day?

Veg curry. Packet of cauliflower rice for low carb.

Other thought would be bbq. Mix of different kebabs - meat and veggie, sweetcorn, large salad, dairy free coleslaw. You can lay out crisps and nibbles.

OK, well for a start you don't need to cater for someone with diabetes, so cross that one off.

Low carb, that's fine, they just don't eat the carbs in the food you provide! As long as they can be separated out, job done.

DS is on a high protein diet, as a guest he would eat what's he's given and then have a protein shake or a Trek bar to supplement. It's quite simple he just says 'I need to have some extra protein, hope you don't mind'.

I wouldn't be catering for a ridiculously picky teenager in those circumstances, I'm afraid. I'd make sure there was cucumber available, that's it.

So really you're looking at providing things which are suitable for people with coeliacs and vegans…

Lidl have nice vegan ice cream tubs in at the moment

Roast dinner. Everyone plates their own according to preference and portion size.
Lamb or beef for the meat eaters, seitan (buy it in the supermarket or holland and barret or get one of the vegans to bring it ready to pan fry, don't make it from scratch it's a job and a half!) for the vegans then that covers high protein.
Make your own roasties so they're safe for the celiac and vegans (olive oil).
Selection of veg according to what you like.
If you wanted yorkies you could do this recipe www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/vegan-yorkshire-puddings with gluten free flour which would be fine for everyone except your low carber.
Powder gravy would be easiest at least for the dietary people - most own brand gravy is vegan friendly, think bistro is too, the gluten free stuff has meat in it so you'd need to do two lots of gravy min, three if you wanted fancy meat one (unless you were making it gluten free).

Dessert - it's summer - fruit salad? Little blog of vegan has plenty of recipes which would cater for gluten free, dairy free and vegan and your other guests might not want dessert?
Fruit crumble using gluten free flour and dairy free spread? Can make custard with oat milk (birds is vegan but might not be gluten free), offer cream or ice cream, possibly one of those dairy free?
The diabetics I cook for tend to want to eat pudding and just test their blood after, but that's a pretty small sample size, so I'm not certain.

And a cucumber for the teen? You could chop it?

My family are just like your guest selection so this is what I normally trot out. That or a couple of pots of chilli of different types with different sides. The key is offering people the ability to pick and mix their food.

I’m dairy free and happily eat vegan when out as it’s easier for people. I am also grateful when people say they are struggling and please bring something along to go with whatever they were planning.

Aldi usually have quite a few bits we can eat (vegan range).

another option is jackets (we slow cooker ours) salad, various toppings, and salad. In all honesty don’t waste your money on vegan cheese as a topping, the flavour isn’t great and has barely any nutritional value. Could do items such as boiled eggs, bean salad, cold meats to up the protein. Low carb can avoid the potato.

the diabetic (I’m sure you said there was one) should be able to eat anything (obviously within reason, but if they help themselves to all the puddings and don’t have a main it’s not your responsibility).

pudding wise we have: free from profiteroles, rice pud made with coconut milk, cheesecakes (dairy free), mousse (again dairy free), but we’re also happy with ice lollies and fruit. They do a lovely squirty cream dairy free by heavenly.

it’s nice to be thought about and am grateful when someone has bought/made something I can eat.

Aubergine and chickpea curry

gluten free
dairy free
high protein
vegan
the low/no carber doesn’t have any rice

Fill out with lots of sides (dhal, flatbreads, cucumber dip, salad etc.) to accommodate different needs.

I'd do a Mexican buffet. One meat and one veggie bean chilli with wraps, home made salsa, refried beans, guacamole, salad, spicy rice, grated cheese and sour cream. And wraps.

Lots for everyone to choose from.

Gluten and dairy free are genuine dietary needs. As is diabetic but they just need to skip dessert. The no-carb and hi-protein people are just being dicks, that isn’t a medical necessity so I’d just ignore it.

For the diabetic, veggie, high protein, gluten free this is easy and tasty
vegsoc.org/recipes/gails-butter-bean-pie/

Do a smaller pot with vegan ingredients for the vegans

An omelette for the no carb person

Do Mexican- a vegetarian chilli, guacamole, nachos, rice, salsa, tomatoes, cheese. Let people serve themselves according to their dietary requirements.

Chickpea salad
Rice salad
Cold roast chicken
Cheese plate
Veggie sticks and some dips
Fruit - serve with dairy-free ice-cream/whipped cream

Other meal: loaded veggie nachos (can do on trays in the oven) + chicken for high protein person.