Interested to know if this financial set up is fair

[Cagedcheddar]

Will start this by saying DH is lovely, no backstory of control or abuse. Speaking to offer couples, our financial set up is different so interested to know if there's a better way of doing it or if how we are doing it is fine.

Have been together for 20 years. At first, we earnt the same and put same amount into shared account for rent and bills, leaving rest for whatever we wanted. Since having kids, my DH earnings have increased and now he is a high earner. My earnings have decreased - mat leave, than PT work. This was my choice but I did/do 90% school runs etc, most chores. Earnings ranged from £500-£1100 a month so earning a lot less.

I stopped adding to shared account years ago and instead pay for all kids classes (eg swimming) etc, their phones (teens), my phone, occasional big spends like a weekend away for us all, car insurance, car servicing etc. The rest i spend how I want - usually try and save a bit, drinks with friends, occasional clothes.

My DH adds to shared account and pays 100% mortgage (relatively small), bills, plus most of big things like holidays. I use this shared account for groceries and any family purchases like days out, kids clothes. For really big things eg car, we both took money from savings to pay.

I feel like I have a good deal. However... Despite paying considerably more into household finances then me, still has much a lot more "spare" He saves some, but the rest buys himself whatever he wants. His/our life is pretty frugal (camping hols, lots of 2nd hand etc) but he will happily buy whatever he wants eg new camera. I feel this money would be better spent on eg reducing mortgage/saving for kids future but it's not "mine" so I can't dictate where it goes.

I have increased my hours (work 0.8 FTE) now kids are older but will never reach his earning potential even if FT and spend my day "off" mainly doing chores.

Is this a fair set up? Is there a better way of splitting finances or am I a massive freeloader?!

It doesnt sound like a equal partnership - it sounds like you have made sacrifices and are still doing so in thrall to his job

Why does he get to spend without thinking, I suspect go out without thinking - is that fair?

Of course it’s not fair, you are a partnership, but you aren’t equal earners, so all of your money should go into a joint account out of which everything is paid for, and you get an equal amount of spending money transferred into your personal accounts.

Tell him that you’ve just discovered that literally all your mates do this, and you feel like a bit of an idiot and want to change over, apart from anything else you are short of spending money.

And don’t take no for an answer - just organise the admin and get him to sign.

Of course it’s not fair.

It’s not fair.

I work 0.8 FTE and my DH brings home over twice what I do each month.

Both our wages get paid into a joint account.

£400 is then sent to his personal account.
£400 is sent to my personal account.
This money is for us to use or save however we wish.

Absolutely everything that is house related, holiday related or child related comes out of the joint account.

My DH would never see me have less than him for personal spends just because he earns more.

The financial set up is mostly fair when it comes to paying regular bills.
However what is not fair is still looking at finances as his money and your money. You should have equal say in what money is spent on- even if it is “his money” because all money should be “us money.”

So, you should have every right to discuss with your DH about putting aside money into savings for long term goals instead of him spending it on expensive toys.

Totally unfair. You’re a team, a partnership, you share a life, you have children. All money should be family money, with you both having an equal amount of spending money. The way you are handling money just leads to resentment. That’s why you’re posting on here.

My DH earns far more than me. I was a sahm for (too many) years and now work tt only so basically part time although 37hr/wk in term time. His wage has always covered everything plus savings, now I'm working my wage goes into savings which are for both of us to use at any time.
Our money is exactly that, equal partners equal everything.

Thanks for the responses! I need to do something about it.

DH and I do exactly the same.

Have a chat about how much spending money he has each month. Is he saving his spendong money so he can dip into it to buy what he wants?
It's fair you have same amount of spending money

I have to say I never understand the 'he pays for mortgage, utilities, I pay for food, kids stuff' setups. We have a joint account that all joint expenses come out of. We both pay for everything as we both contribute to the JA and anything that is for the family comes out of that: house stuff, childcare, cars, clothes for kids, etc. We don't keep score of who pays what or who is due X or Y. At times we have each been the higher earner and it doesn't change anything.

We have two incomes and one account. DH earns about 50% more than me. The only difference is that nearly all my income goes into the the joint current account whereas his is split between that and the joint savings.

Neither of us police our "personal spends". If either of us wanted to buy something major, over £100 probably we would run it by the other.

DH and I roughly the same. We both put £X amount into joint account and mortgage, utilities, council tax, anything house related, food shopping and anything for child comes out of joint account including family holidays. Money builds up in joint account and this pays for Xmas. We have a joint account for savings too and both pay £X amount in each week. This may be reduced though as cost of living goes up and more may be needed to pay into joint household account. Out of our personal accounts we pay for personal mobiles, car insurance, car tax, haircuts, gifts for each other, personal spends, lunches out with friends, our own clothing and any personal savings. It works because we earn more or less the same. If we earned unequal amounts we would do it differently.

We have a similar set up. DP is higher earner so pays most the bills. I pay a few bills and do food shopping but only because I've been the one to set those bills up, not because we've specifically divided the bills up that way. We both spend pretty much whatever we want each month without question from the other unless it was something that cost more than a £100/£200 in which case we would run it past the other person. At the end of the month whatever is left goes into savings. We jointly decide what those savings are spent on - usually holiday, something for the house so jointly spent.

We're lucky we don't have to budget much although obviously we don't go around wasting money either. If we did have to budget then we would do as PP does and give ourselves equal spending money.

I don't feel guilty that DP pays the lion's share of the bills. I put up the deposit for our first house which has enabled us to move up the property ladder, I've received a small inheritance and used that when buying our current house, I've taken mat leave and worked part time to raise our child while he moved up at work. I see it that neither of us would have the lifestyle we have now if it wasn't for the other person. Therefore there is no counting who has what and what's fair - it's all done equally.

Well a couple of obvious questions - have you talked to him about it, and does he know just how different your money for spends is?

On the one hand you say he's lovely, and I hope you're setting the bar higher than no control or abuse, they should be a given. Not being controlling or abusive doesn't make him lovely. But yet he's presumably not offered to make the spending money more equal if he's off buying himself expensive cameras.

He is lovely. We have discussed changing set up in past and he's always been happy to do so - just need to work out what that change is. We are both shit at life admin so the thought of changing direct debits and setting up new accounts is painful. Don't want to do that then realise there's a better way of splitting finances and having to do it again!

Can never get my head around 'he pays, I pay!
We are a team
He earns more than me, everything goes into a joint account, everything comes out of same account.
If we want something we buy it (joint credit card)
We do both have the same (sensible) attitude to spending tho

So I'm going against the grain here and would say it's fair if you both think it's fair.

Dp and I have been together for 30 years, 2 x kids and over the years she has earned considerably more than me for the first few years and then it switched and I've earned considerably more for the last 20 years or so. She left work/returned part-time to look after the boys and I found a career from somewhere!

We have never had a joint current account. I pay the mortgage and all the bills except the water and TV - she pays those so she's got some bills just in her name. She pays for the weekly food shop with her part-time income. We don't have any joint savings accounts either.

I have money left over each month that I put into savings for house/holidays and she does the same. We decide where we want to go on holiday/what needs doing with the house and generally I'll pay the majority and she contributes.

Over the years this has worked really well - we each have money left over at the end of the month and will either save or spend it on what we want. I definitely fritter more on coffee/going out with friends and she will buy more books!

It just works for us - we've discussed having a joint account a few times over the years and have decided that it would probably cause more friction, so why change things when this works so well?

So, if you're not happy then find another way, but if it works, it works.

OP your problem isn’t that YOU have no money to spend on yourself. You want him to spend on something ‘sensible’ , like reducing the mortgage, or ‘save for the kids’.

What’s wrong with him enjoying life? It’s short, and gone all too quickly.

Fair enough for you to say he should give you some of the money instead of having oodles more money. Unfair of you to dictate what should be done with it.

Does he have a pension? Do you? What's the split like in the pensions between the two of you?

I'm asking because your set-up is such that you've given up being an equal earner to him to do the child rearing etc, so therefore you're always going to be on the backfoot with how much you can save for your pension. You're never going to catch him up in this regard. Unless of course he's putting equal amounts into a pension for you and for him.

I work 0.8 but look after young primary age kids on most of my day off...my husband earns almost double what I do when take into account bonus. However he works away a bit and can only do this if I don't, which does limit my career a bit as the next level up for me is expected to do more entertaining in the evening and a bit more travel etc

We both have roughly equal spending money and put the rest into a joint account and everything else comes from there. If either of us need to make any significant individual purchases or overspend on stuff then we take it from the joint account, however this only really works because we have a very similar attitude to money and neither of us are into anything flash or expensive brands or shopping sprees etc so we generally trust each other to be sensible.

To me there is only 2 fair ways to do it.

1. Where you both earn the same and then spilt it 50/ 50 or
2. All the money goes into the pot and is family money.

Number 2 is how we do it as I couldn't earn as much as dp.

Also I think when you're a family you make the major financial decisions together. Like how much you should be saving, what you invest in if anything, how much you live for now vs the future etc. I'm more of a spend it now on experiences person and my husband would save more and retire earlier so we compromise, eg have more holidays than he wants but less than I want. Because we are a family and planning for a future together. It wouldn't feel like a family to me if he made the decision because it was 'his' money...especially if he had made his money on the back of me giving up mine (so he had never had to worry about taking days off when kids were sick, or taking them to appointments, or dropping his hours to do nursery pick ups or drop offs, or had to refuse to travel because there was no one to look after them etc)

Loads on this thread have a joint account. This is very unusual on mn. We've only ever had a joint account too. You know this isn't good OP, but you don't need mahoosive changes, just a couple of minor tweaks.

The issue here isn't how it's set up, it's the lax control of the spare cash.

I was once accused of being a "Child of Thatcher" on here for saying we run our finances like a business. But we do and we are far, far better off for it as it's all fairly stragegic, combined with the luck that investing always requires. Despite me having a very flaky job history, which is being very kind to myself!

If he is a high earner, why are you still behaving like you're still scraping by as a family? Fair enough to carry on being frugal but it's sounding very one-sided and with little provision for future needs.

You need some strategy, allowing for life being short, etc. Maybe a financial planner consultation could help, would take the "is it fair?" out of it and make it "is it reasonable?" and "is it the best use of funds?" and crucially, "are we both protected against financial shocks, eg, illness, job redundancy, etc or marriage breakdown?"

It sounds like his savings are a mystery to you...