Interested to know if this financial set up is fair

[Cagedcheddar]

Will start this by saying DH is lovely, no backstory of control or abuse. Speaking to offer couples, our financial set up is different so interested to know if there's a better way of doing it or if how we are doing it is fine.

Have been together for 20 years. At first, we earnt the same and put same amount into shared account for rent and bills, leaving rest for whatever we wanted. Since having kids, my DH earnings have increased and now he is a high earner. My earnings have decreased - mat leave, than PT work. This was my choice but I did/do 90% school runs etc, most chores. Earnings ranged from £500-£1100 a month so earning a lot less.

I stopped adding to shared account years ago and instead pay for all kids classes (eg swimming) etc, their phones (teens), my phone, occasional big spends like a weekend away for us all, car insurance, car servicing etc. The rest i spend how I want - usually try and save a bit, drinks with friends, occasional clothes.

My DH adds to shared account and pays 100% mortgage (relatively small), bills, plus most of big things like holidays. I use this shared account for groceries and any family purchases like days out, kids clothes. For really big things eg car, we both took money from savings to pay.

I feel like I have a good deal. However... Despite paying considerably more into household finances then me, still has much a lot more "spare" He saves some, but the rest buys himself whatever he wants. His/our life is pretty frugal (camping hols, lots of 2nd hand etc) but he will happily buy whatever he wants eg new camera. I feel this money would be better spent on eg reducing mortgage/saving for kids future but it's not "mine" so I can't dictate where it goes.

I have increased my hours (work 0.8 FTE) now kids are older but will never reach his earning potential even if FT and spend my day "off" mainly doing chores.

Is this a fair set up? Is there a better way of splitting finances or am I a massive freeloader?!

will never reach his earning potential even if FT and spend my day "off" mainly doing chores
Whatever works for you both as a family is broadly fine, I would think it's better to share more evenly, and especially to save more for retirement, but it's your call. Your view of your own working potential or intellectual capability is very poor though, fix that. Why are you spending a day on chores and deciding you don't have the capability to earn? Women are not in general intellectually inferior to their husbands and it's an awful example to your children to behave as though you are. Get a cleaner, get out there and achieve something.

Of course it's not fair OP. You are a family. He is your husband. His money is your money. Most people would just pool everything. Why should you live like a second class citizen in your own home, just because he earns more (which you have largely facilitated)?

What about your pension op? His will be sky high and yours will be a pittance!

That is pretty much how we have always done things but I can also access DH's main account (it is a joint account) or use credits cards (these are paid off every month) for anything else I fancy buying. Would either of these be any option for you? Does he accept he has more than you and does he give you money for larger purchases you might want if you ask?

Family costs should come from the main account so get the kids clubs, and all movile phones and car costs swapped to the joint account.

It’s fair even though this forum will tell you it’s not which I suspect is why you commented here.
If you want to keep some money seperate and also work and have your own money then this does sound fair. It might be different if you were fully committed to being a SAHP or housewife but that is not the case.

You choose to stay at home with the kids and work pt despite people here making it sound like you’ve sacrificed unwillingly. That’s fine but you also want to go back to work.

Thisnis why two working parents is complicated, especially when the wife both wants to keep her own money but also feel that she is being provided for adequately. It’s better to either be all in on being at home or both work equally, everything else is a complication.

We treat all our money as shared. We pay all our bills/food/petrol etc from a joint account, give ourselves the same amount of money each for our own socialising/clothes etc and then save the rest. I feel this is 100% fair. At times he has been the higher earner, at other times I have.

@MRex

Its quite possible for one partner to have higher earning potential as a result of greater intelligence and for there to be nothing the other can do to match it. It’s not nice to say it but obviously it can be the truth.

I don’t see a problem with his cameras. Men need hobbies and trying to shut them down will only breed resentment. After all it’s not like he’s stopping you from finding a hobby and buying things for with family money is he? If not then you are perhaps just resentful that he’s spending money on himself rather than providing it all for you and the kids. That’s a bad attitude for a wife to have, people are allowed their hobbies even if they are costly - so long as your not living likenpaupers.

You should have joint savings and equal spending money.

But you also need to respect what he wants. Just because you think it would be better to overpay the mortgage, and that's the sensible choice, doesn't mean to get to dictate how he spends his own spending money (as long as you have access to a similar amount). I would not put up with my DH telling me how I must spend my money. It would be something we discussed and agreed on together.

You are a 50/50 partnership in everything else, why should your finances be any different.

Pay the bills, agree to save and split the rest 50/50. Or just leave it in the account and make joint decisions on how the surplus is spent.

Any relationship where a man gets to dictate any surplus after bills is wrong imo. Yes sir, no sir

I think this sort of thing works well if you both have similar spending habits and any spare goes in to family big spends (holidays, DIY) but otherwise can lead to inequality. We have the same issue after years of a situation where we couldn't really contribute evenly every month (variable overtime, working away for months at a time) and it's really tricky to unravel.

I'm thinking the answer might literally be all wages in to one account and then fun money comes out for each of you to your own account but that doesn't account for things like one of you being the one who buys most things for the kids. It's also a lot of paperwork 😅

Doesn't sound fair to me. You're doing all the skivvy work, have less disposable spending money and don't seem to have any say in planning savings for the future.

Should be one pot after 20 years together.

It's not just spending habits, but the value of a PT parent that they should be on board with. OP said it was 'her choice'. What does that mean?
She wanted it and the DH said 'yes'? He was ambivalent either way?

If she was on minimum wage it might seem like the obvious decision. But otherwise 2 people earning an 'average' wage take home more than one high earner. If everything is done 100% FAIRLY w.r.t topping up PT parent's pension, equal spending etc it might actually be more expensive.

Exactly the same with DH and I! Any other way just seems to cause headaches.

DH earns six times what I do. We each pay proportionate % wise into a joint account by direct debit for absolutely everything joint, so he puts in six times more than I do, and the remainder of our monies is for us to spend or save as we wish.
No need to run anything by anyone then.

Have never understood arrangements like this. You're married, it's both your money.
We both have salaries paid into a bank account and all bills go out of this. We then transfer an amount each month to an everyday account for food, kids stuff etc and another 100 each month into separate named accounts for us which we can keep, squander whatever without having to feel bad for buying something expensive but daft.

His money enables your lifestyle but you taking on childcare and childbearing enables him to have a high salary/career.

It should be joint and you should both have equal disposable income.

Only exception would be if he specifically was happy to take on 50/50 of all household and childcare responsibilities and wanted you both to 50/50 contribute to finances/work for your careers. In that case if I was a higher earner and my spouse chose to work PT I wouldn't think it's fair for me to subsidize it.

Are you both paying into private pensions ?

Do you have emergency savings for the family?

Do you emergency savings just for yourself ?

I'm surprised that after 20 years everything isn't just joint! Not much of an equal fair partnership imho.

I think it depends on what you both think is fair. My DH and I have a different set up to most that works for us:

I earn 4x what my partner does. We calculate what percentage of our individual take-home pay is Vs our combined total, e.g he earns 20% and I earn 80%.

We then split all bills and savings accordingly, so I pay 80% of all bills, and him the remaining 20%.

This does mean I end up with more 'fun money' left over, but we are both happy with this. Any joint purchases are agreed between us both and split the same way, be it new furniture or a new car.

When either of us gets a bonus/payrise we recalculate to make sure our split is proportionate to our pay.

Maybe this works for us because we always communicate about what we buy, e.g. if I'm going to treat myself to a new summer dress, I'll ask if he needs new clothes etc so it always feels like an equal partnership 😊

Or maybe there just isn't any conflict about what you need/want.
The OP doesn't say that SHE wants more money. She has her own savings. She doesn't even say that they should have better holidays.

She just thinks it could be better spent on what she considers more important. Overpaying on a mortgage/kids savings aren't really necessary. And the kids are teenagers, they can earn their own money.

It seems to be his attitude she doesn't like, and I sort of get that. I'm a 'thrifty' type. I think long and hard about whether I want something, budget to the penny (even when I haven't had to), financially savvy. I'm very good at impulse control, allowing myself treats in a structured way.
DP is the opposite. He just buys whatever he wants. Takeaways, video games, gadgets.

The OP might not WANT equal spending money, as she'd just put it away anyway, but it's lowkey annoying to see someone else not prioritizing the same things.

While that's true, I don't think the vast majority of women are less intelligent, yet in so many of these posts it's the same live every time. "He earns x* my salary and I could NEVER earn that." If they applied themselves that many of these women really could do a lot better. It makes me despair a bit for women in general that they have so little faith in themselves.

But he must therefore have 6 x the disposable cash after you have both contributed available every month to spend on himself. That is family money for you, your kids and your home. WTF should he have 6 x the cash available for him alone? Please dont reply with "if i ask for more he gives it to me" or "he pays for stuff if needed".

We don’t have a joint account and never have. DH gladly would, I just can’t be bothered to do the paperwork. At times I’ve been the breadwinner and at times he has. We’ve always just transferred money to each other. When I earned more I paid into the savings, now that he earns more he does. This works for us - but only because we have always, always, from the moment we started dating at Uni really, considered all of our financial assets as ‘joint’. We have separate accounts but everything in his is mine (his card is my Apple Pay, for example) and vice versa.