Interested to know if this financial set up is fair

[Cagedcheddar]

Will start this by saying DH is lovely, no backstory of control or abuse. Speaking to offer couples, our financial set up is different so interested to know if there's a better way of doing it or if how we are doing it is fine.

Have been together for 20 years. At first, we earnt the same and put same amount into shared account for rent and bills, leaving rest for whatever we wanted. Since having kids, my DH earnings have increased and now he is a high earner. My earnings have decreased - mat leave, than PT work. This was my choice but I did/do 90% school runs etc, most chores. Earnings ranged from £500-£1100 a month so earning a lot less.

I stopped adding to shared account years ago and instead pay for all kids classes (eg swimming) etc, their phones (teens), my phone, occasional big spends like a weekend away for us all, car insurance, car servicing etc. The rest i spend how I want - usually try and save a bit, drinks with friends, occasional clothes.

My DH adds to shared account and pays 100% mortgage (relatively small), bills, plus most of big things like holidays. I use this shared account for groceries and any family purchases like days out, kids clothes. For really big things eg car, we both took money from savings to pay.

I feel like I have a good deal. However... Despite paying considerably more into household finances then me, still has much a lot more "spare" He saves some, but the rest buys himself whatever he wants. His/our life is pretty frugal (camping hols, lots of 2nd hand etc) but he will happily buy whatever he wants eg new camera. I feel this money would be better spent on eg reducing mortgage/saving for kids future but it's not "mine" so I can't dictate where it goes.

I have increased my hours (work 0.8 FTE) now kids are older but will never reach his earning potential even if FT and spend my day "off" mainly doing chores.

Is this a fair set up? Is there a better way of splitting finances or am I a massive freeloader?!

The vast majority of people, male/female will never be high earners, or have a proper career. Yet every single woman posting has a 'high earning' DH.

I remember one memorable thread where a huge fuss was made of a DH's Big Job. Turns out he was on 30K, at the age of 40. Which may be great in an area of the UK with a low cost of living and few opportunities. But the guy was just lucky enough to get a council job, had been there ages and collected pay increases over the years.
Unlike someone in an actual highly paid industry/senior level....

sorry, don't have time to read the whole thread, but has anyone mentioned PENSIONS?

VERY important that these are equalised...

I think your set up is fair for a couple who do not have children or other dependents.

Once you have children, the only fair way is to put everything into the one pot, to cover all the household and child related expenses. Joint savings come out of that pot, in joint names or spread evenly in across both names.

Equal amounts of spends, the level of which decided by what is left after household, children and saving. Your personal spends should only be spend on extras for DC not their everyday expenses like classes.

Anything else is .. just not fair.

I'd hope that your partner just hadn't worked this out for himself yet. If he genuinely prefers an uneven split, then I wish you the best of luck.

@OooErr there's a good thread going on currently about women's career progression, it's pretty helpful! I was lucky enough to grow up seeing what was possible but it's really helpful seeing a reminder of the sort of salary steps that can be realistic

^^this exactly.

The OP contributes zero to the shared account.
The ONLY regular expense she pays for are the kids classes and phones but everything else bills, mortgage, food, days out and kids necessities are paid for the DP.

There's no lack of money. As evidenced by the OP thinking about savings and mortgage overpayments. She herself has managed to save.

How is that remotely unfair?

The division of money is separate from the accounts it's held in. No matter whether it goes straight into a joint pot, or into individual accounts and then paid in. It's the same result.

In this scenario as no money is 'needed' for anything all the DH needs to do is put more into the shared pot. Which is actually not shared, as she contributes nothing. Just a transfer from him to her.

OP can then put it aside for the kids, if that's what she wants to do but she can't dictate that he shouldn't buy expensive things.

Been with DH 25 years and never had a joint account. I pay most household bills - insurances, broadband, utilities, phones (me and DCs) etc etc and he pays for shopping, his own car costs, his phone, any repairs/maintenance of house, holidays, takeaways, and going out together. We don’t question each other’s spending but neither of us are ridiculous. If I need extra £ I just ask and he transfers. We both have savings, we own our house outright. Never been a problem. Whatever works.

I think you should pay what you need e.g. bills, food, kid's essential stuff and then see what's left. A portion (whatever is suitable for you) goes to savings, a portion goes to family things e.g. day out with kids or new kettle, whatever is left is for you and your husband to share. One month you might spend more of that than him, others he might spend more. If there's money left at the end of the month e.g. £20 from the family budget and £10 left from your joint fun money, put it into savings.

This assumes that intelligence is linked to earnings when really it isn't. My DP earns a lot more than I do but he works in a private sector software role whereas I work in a public sector practitioner role. I can and have moved into management but it took away everything I loved about the job so moved back. I wouldn't say DP was any more intelligent than I am, he has even told me I have the mindset to work in his industry but I just don't want to. Not all jobs are about the earning potential, although I do say that (sadly), I can only afford to work in the public sector because he earns a lot more than me but the woeful public sector wages are another thread altogether.

So many weird threads like this where couples seem to be living different financial lives under the same roof! How does this "my money, his money" even come about? Just pool all your money and be done with it, OP. It all goes the same way at the find of the day. He is being sneaky. What do you think happens on marriages like mine? I've been a SAHM for almost 20 years - my husband had no concept of "his money." Where do these men come from?

So many helpful responses - thanks! I'll try and reply to questions/themes.

I definitely chose to go PT. I did not want to pursue my career and was happy to duck out of it. There was no way I would effectively pay to do a job I didn't enjoy so PT was win win. DH would have been happy if I'd worked FT but think the reality of managing both FT, nursery/school runs would have been horrific - full admiration to those who do that but was not for me/us.

Re earning potential - happy to report I'm vastly more intelligent than my DH 😀but he happens to love and be good at a really dull (imo) and in demand job. I cannot see any situation where my thoroughly enjoyable but relatively low paid career leads to a salary 5 X what I'm on now. Yes, I'm slightly ashamed at not being an incredible success and good career role model for my DDs but hopefully setting a good example of working hard and finding a rewarding job. Earning a lot more than I was a few years ago so Def not resigned to earning pittance but do have to be realistic about what I'm likely earn in the future. "Learn to code" is always bandied about here but have you ever tried to?? Being good enough to earn the ££ requires a brain/personality I don't have - doesn't mean I'm less intelligent!

Despite all the ‘learn to code’ propaganda very few will actually be good enough for a long term technical career. Or have the right personality traits.
It is however a very good stepping stone for other roles that don’t involve coding and pay equally as much money. Such as product manager, program manager, change management, etc.

I’m a female software engineer. My degree is in business. I love talking to people, but I also love the high that comes from solving technical challenges. I have the ability to quickly a build a mental map of technical solutions, then zoom it or out depending on what’s needed. Not many people can do it.

Also if you’re working for a ‘normal’ firm, like any other job the higher you go the less actual work you do, and the more managing. A mid-level IT manager can make a decent salary. Not crazy stuff like several 100K but better than ‘most’ jobs.

**this is not to say that you should be aiming for it. Intelligence doesn’t always correlate with salary. We all have different things priorities. But if money is what you’re after there are several ways to make it.

@Perplexed0522 this is the same for me and my husband, albeit a different set up. Neither of us has more than the other.

Ours is simple, we both earn similar amounts. I have a regular monthly income, the total amount of the bills is transferred from my wage and into our bills account. Whatever is left, and all of my husband's earnings (he is self employed so income is more sporadic), go into our personal spending account which we both have equal access to. No division or entitlement.

You went a million miles off track with your first statement. The rest just became bollocks from there on in.

The OP contributes zero to the shared account.

I cant believe you can say that. In this day and age in a relationship ANY money coming into a families bank account is a JOINT effort in one form or another.