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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to rearrange this?

56 replies

Manaslave18 · 12/07/2022 14:15

We are having some work done in our house starting in 2 weeks. It's work that we have needed since last year and we have been waiting for the tradesman to become available for a couple of months. MIL has decided she wants to come and visit at the same time. She's pretty immobile and it would be very difficult to have her stay while this work is going on. It's going to be tricky enough being here ourselves with kids and animals let alone having a guest. DH is now suggesting that we ask for the work to start a week later to accommodate his mother's wish.
I don't want to ask this as a)I really want this work to be done. we have waited for ages and I just want it out of the way b)I doubt it can just be rearranged that easily as the tradesman will have other people waiting for him and we will probably end up being pushed back longer than just a week.

I'm getting all sorts of emotional blackmail thrown my way. Would I really prioritise work on the house over family? It doesn't sit right with my DH to ask his mother to wait due to this work apparently. She/They have even tried to say she is having a procedure done and won't be able to come any other time as she will be out of action for "months". It's virtually impossible that with current NHS waitlists this procedure is actually happening when they say. When pressed it turns out to be just an initial assessment. Even if she was having it done the recovery time is only 2 weeks.

She was only here at the end of May so it's not been that long IMO. I think she can be expected to wait until it's convenient for us? AIBU?

OP posts:
SnowqueenOfTexas · 12/07/2022 14:30

I don’t think ‘wanting it out of the way’ is a great reason to be honest. You’re MIL sounds in poor health, she won’t be around forever and I’d really appreciate DH accommodating my mum if possible.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/07/2022 14:32

YANBU

The work was booked first and needs doing.

PuckeredArseFace · 12/07/2022 14:38

SnowqueenOfTexas · 12/07/2022 14:30

I don’t think ‘wanting it out of the way’ is a great reason to be honest. You’re MIL sounds in poor health, she won’t be around forever and I’d really appreciate DH accommodating my mum if possible.

God, I hate this emotional blackmail 🙄 Get the work done, you could be waiting for another year or so
It's been planned, she could always stay in a hotel
It doesn't mean you don't care about her

MrszClaus · 12/07/2022 14:38

YANBU - surely she can visit another time?! All the deception around initial assessment etc and guilt from DH is unnecessary. Workmen book jobs months and months in advance and slot them all in with each other. You could easily end up waiting for a long time, or having to find a new workman (if they feel messed about by you they might not want to job!).

Suggest to DH if he is so set on her coming, the work isn't being cancelled or changed and he can deal with the fall out?

mumda · 12/07/2022 14:40

You can ask the workmen what you like. The chances are they will say no.

Can she stay in a hotel locally?

Manaslave18 · 12/07/2022 14:40

I suggested he could go and visit her but he went quiet. We are actually going away next weekend and I suggested before we booked that we go and see her but DH didn't want to.
Suddenly he really wants to see her and I'm expected to make it happen when she chooses.

OP posts:
SnowqueenOfTexas · 12/07/2022 14:42

PuckeredArseFace · 12/07/2022 14:38

God, I hate this emotional blackmail 🙄 Get the work done, you could be waiting for another year or so
It's been planned, she could always stay in a hotel
It doesn't mean you don't care about her

It’s not really emotional blackmail, there just happen to be emotions involved because it’s his mum? She’s not being forced, she can ‘refuse’ if she wants - it’s just not the kind of dynamic I’d want in my life. 🤷🏼‍♀️

10HailMarys · 12/07/2022 14:45

How long will the work take? Why can't she just wait until it's done?

If your DH is really desperate to see her he could go and visit her himself, but it's not like you're saying she can't visit you, just that she can't visit you in that one specific week. Surely she has other weeks free when she could come?

roarfeckingroarr · 12/07/2022 14:47

Ah, so he wants to see her but for you to have to do the work around this visits

PuckeredArseFace · 12/07/2022 14:48

Your post was using emotional blackmail @SnowqueenOfTexas , 'she won't be around forever'? None of us will be, I just don't buy into that shit
She can stay much more comfortably at a hotel
It's just unnecessary to add that pressure onto someone

poetryandwine · 12/07/2022 14:48

If our recent experiences are anything to go by, good workmen (for they are almost all men) are booked up months in advance. You write ‘tradesman’, singular. If that is correct, I suppose there is a small possibility that the fellow has a week long job or jobs he could move forward, delaying yours. I wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable asking but I think it could be done respectfully.

If your DH proposes to request this delay without any thought for the tradesman’s lost income, he is a major CF.

Beyond that, I am with you - the case for the delay, as you present it, doesn’t sound compelling.

SnowqueenOfTexas · 12/07/2022 14:50

PuckeredArseFace · 12/07/2022 14:48

Your post was using emotional blackmail @SnowqueenOfTexas , 'she won't be around forever'? None of us will be, I just don't buy into that shit
She can stay much more comfortably at a hotel
It's just unnecessary to add that pressure onto someone

Alright, don’t buy it then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 12/07/2022 14:51

I would be adding a large patio to your building plans...

theemmadilemma · 12/07/2022 14:52

There's a lot of things I could be convinced you could probably put off. Putting off a workman who has an available slot is not one of them. Knowing how that goes who knows when you'll get another slot.

Madmog · 12/07/2022 14:52

I guess you can ask the workmen, but personally I wouldn't want to rock the boat, otherwise you could be waiting weeks.

Any chance she can come in the next few days? If not, a compromise might be visiting her a couple of times - maybe DH once on his own and the whole family another time. She might appreciate seeing one or some of you after the procedure and at the same time getting some food in, odd job she can't manage.

Iheartmysmart · 12/07/2022 14:53

If he’s that bothered then he will go and visit her. The fact that he won’t makes me think he wants you to take care of her while he has the glory of being a caring son whilst not actually doing anything. Tell him she can come but the building work is going ahead as planned and he needs to cater for her every whim. You don’t be getting involved at all.

Lindy2 · 12/07/2022 14:53

If you delay your tradespeople by a week I'd say it's very likely that you will loose some of them - potentially all. They'll take other jobs for more reliable customers.

Having a family member want to visit indtead wouldn't really be regarded as a valid reason for a short notice cancellation.

godmum56 · 12/07/2022 14:53

why does your DH not want to visit her? I'd jump at the chance to be out of the house for even part of the time that builders were in.

WhenDovesFly · 12/07/2022 14:54

YANBU. If you've waited months for the tradesperson to be available then don't mess with them. It's unlikely they'll be able to delay for a week as they'll have planned in advance all their other jobs. You could be potentially waiting weeks, if not months to be rescheduled in. If you saw MIL as recently as May then it's not like it's been years, so on this occasion she'll have to wait until you're able to accommodate her properly.

godmum56 · 12/07/2022 14:54

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 12/07/2022 14:51

I would be adding a large patio to your building plans...

hahahaha

Fairyliz · 12/07/2022 14:55

No hold onto your workmen they are like unicorns around here.
If you put them off you will never get them back.

Meraas · 12/07/2022 14:57

I suggested he could go and visit her but he went quiet. We are actually going away next weekend and I suggested before we booked that we go and see her but DH didn't want to.

Let me guess, you're the one who mainly provides fresh sheets, daily meals, cups of team and entertainment to MIL?

roarfeckingroarr · 12/07/2022 15:00

@Meraas bingo

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 15:03

Manaslave18 · 12/07/2022 14:40

I suggested he could go and visit her but he went quiet. We are actually going away next weekend and I suggested before we booked that we go and see her but DH didn't want to.
Suddenly he really wants to see her and I'm expected to make it happen when she chooses.

Given this update then yanbu

billy1966 · 12/07/2022 15:06

Absolutely get the work done.

If your husband is actually really concerned he should go a visit her.

Trying to guilt you is awful.

Is he awful?

Because he doesn't sound great.

Trying to get work done in a house by someone good is difficult, I wouldn't be deferring.