To refuse to rearrange this?

[Manaslave18]

We are having some work done in our house starting in 2 weeks. It's work that we have needed since last year and we have been waiting for the tradesman to become available for a couple of months. MIL has decided she wants to come and visit at the same time. She's pretty immobile and it would be very difficult to have her stay while this work is going on. It's going to be tricky enough being here ourselves with kids and animals let alone having a guest. DH is now suggesting that we ask for the work to start a week later to accommodate his mother's wish.
I don't want to ask this as a)I really want this work to be done. we have waited for ages and I just want it out of the way b)I doubt it can just be rearranged that easily as the tradesman will have other people waiting for him and we will probably end up being pushed back longer than just a week.

I'm getting all sorts of emotional blackmail thrown my way. Would I really prioritise work on the house over family? It doesn't sit right with my DH to ask his mother to wait due to this work apparently. She/They have even tried to say she is having a procedure done and won't be able to come any other time as she will be out of action for "months". It's virtually impossible that with current NHS waitlists this procedure is actually happening when they say. When pressed it turns out to be just an initial assessment. Even if she was having it done the recovery time is only 2 weeks.

She was only here at the end of May so it's not been that long IMO. I think she can be expected to wait until it's convenient for us? AIBU?

Getting a decent tradesperson to get work done is like gold dust at the moment. I VERY much doubt you'll be able to change it. Is there any particular reason why MIL can't come a week later?

But if DH is adamant that's what he wants then I would leave him to rearrange it, within a timescale you have both agreed eg, within next 8 weeks.

Do you work OP?

agree to your MIL coming over whenever she chooses. Go ahead with the work you need doing as well. And ensure your working out of your house for the entire duration.
tell your H he needs to take time off to ensure his mother is well looked after and the workmen know what needs doing and given cup of tea at regular intervals.

and leave him to it.

you husband sounds like a sick head who reaps the glory of your hard work and puts your family needs and you below his desire to be seen as a wonderful caring son.

This.

Leave him to it.

Ah so he won't stand up to her, but also doesn't actually want to see her. So you'll be landed with the job of looking after her too.

Nope don't postpone the work, it needs done. She's getting an assessment done, not surgery. She'll be lucky if she gets surgery this year if that's what she needs. More likely next year. She can wait a week.

I suggested she come in September as we are on holiday for a good part of August. This is when the "procedure" suddenly came up which apparently means she has to come in 2 weeks.

I don't want to mess my tradesman around (or men I didn't realise I had to be specific lol). I've waited months for him to become available and it took months to find him in the first place. It's the kind of work that will be very disruptive for a couple of weeks and I honestly just want it done and out of the way.

Dh could go and visit her? And if you have kids he can take them with him which would leave the house clear for the builders and you can enjoy free evenings while they are away.

Yes, i do work.

And yes @ILikeHotWaterBottles there's pretty much zero chance of it happening this year. Even if it did it would only put her out of action for a couple of weeks. It's being dramatised.

Is your MIL aware that you're having work done when she wants to visit? Would she still want to come if she knew how much upheaval involved? If the answer is yes, and yes, your husband will just have to make his mother as comfortable as possible in the circumstances. Him, not you. You can't mess tradesmen/women about, they're booked up for months.

Unless she's having the procedure privately the chances of it happening even if she had an actual date are pretty slim. Most things get cancelled at least three times once on the NHS!

No way would I be cancelling good tradesmen - you need them more than they need you (and I've got them in my house last week & this).

Hi, OP -

The only reason I was interested whether this is a one man job is that I think it inconceivable that more than one person could rearrange at this late date. So it made a difference to my reply

Is your DH often difficult and trying to create problems?

Having work done is always hell, MIL or no. If she wants to come, fine, just warn her it won't be much fun with all the banging, no hot water, and beans on toast for tea (or whatever).

DH going to hers instead sounds much more sensible if you don't mind handling the tradespeople.

Fuck that. The work is booked in, if he wants to see his mother he can still do that by visiting her

If you try to change the date of the work being done it is likely that you will be placed at the bottom of the queue again and will need to wait for months for it to be done.

If she's insistent- I'd allow her to visit and mention that it will be really handy having her there to help look after the tradesmen as you'll be at work. Then allow DH to sort all the shopping etc for when she arrives.
I wouldn't ever try to delay tradesmen - they'll likely not come back if you piss them around. They'll have a fully booked diary for months to come.

I don't think YABU at all. You haven't given much info about age:health/distance away of your MIL so it isn't possible to know what to suggest as an alternative. If your Dh can visit her that's the no brainer solution imo

Builders are unlikely to be able to shift their schedule. Just tell her they can't - it's now or never.

And can you visit her instead?

They will have other jobs booked in after you, if you try to rearrange you will probably be put right at the back of the queue.

Its hard to get good trades people and you have been waiting a while to get this work done. If you try to move it you will be waiting forever to get it done. Your trades person won't be happy and may not want the job at a later date either if you do this.

A lot of jobs in houses have noise, dust, lack of power, lack of water and just general hassle for X period of time. Why would your husband think landing his elderly infirm mother on top of you when you're getting work done in the house is a good idea?
I tell him that he needs to cop on and that he wants his mother their your going to stay with a friend so he can mind his mother, minds his kids and deal with the builders at the same time.

His mother is just waiting for an appointment. After that appointment she could be months waiting for a operation ect. He is trying to guilt trip you to have her visit because he does not want to say no to her. Then your left dealing with her and providing care for when she is their.
The reality is that you can't do this when you have builders in the house. I can't see anyone wanting to stay in a house where there is building work going on in it.
He needs to grow up and tell his mother she can't come then because of the building work but she could come around X date instead. He could tell her it will be dust, noisy and that you could have no power or water at times.

Its hard to get good trades people and you have been waiting a while to get this work done. If you try to move it you will be waiting forever to get it done. Your trades person won't be happy and may not want the job at a later date either if you do this.

A lot of jobs in houses have noise, dust, lack of power, lack of water and just general hassle for X period of time. Why would your husband think landing his elderly infirm mother on top of you when you're getting work done in the house is a good idea?
I tell him that he needs to cop on and that he wants his mother their your going to stay with a friend so he can mind his mother, minds his kids and deal with the builders at the same time.

His mother is just waiting for an appointment. After that appointment she could be months waiting for a operation ect. He is trying to guilt trip you to have her visit because he does not want to say no to her. Then your left dealing with her and providing care for when she is their.
The reality is that you can't do this when you have builders in the house. I can't see anyone wanting to stay in a house where there is building work going on in it.
He needs to grow up and tell his mother she can't come then because of the building work but she could come around X date instead. He could tell her it will be dust, noisy and that you could have no power or water at times.

We had to put our new bathroom on hold when DH was ill. Because we lost our "slot" they couldn't fit us in for months.

Go ahead with the work as planned and if your DH insists that his mum visits I would tell her about the disruption that will be caused by the workmen. She can then decide whether to put off her visit.

I'm not sure if she knows or not but she is extremely pushy. What will have happened is she will have asked to come while we are away and been told to come in Sept. But instead of just doing that she will have come back with another date. DH will feel obligated to please her (funny how these mummy-pleasing men never care about pleasing their wives) and so will be trying to accommodate her.
He will no doubt also be getting the manipulative hard-sell from her. He knows that manipulation does not wash with me and makes me more likely to dig my heels in yet is trying his best still.

In that case I’d just let her come and she’ll have to suck it up and sit on the sofa for 5 days while you go to work. Your husband can tend to her comfort.

I would give your husband the choice, cancel this weekend away and go visit her or she visits after the work has been done.
Those are the only viable options.