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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I BU to leave a feather at my friend’s house?

74 replies

hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:34

last week I visited a friend who has recently lost her dad. she was really close to him and is obviously devastated. she had previously mentioned finding comfort in seeing white feathers (on the ground when out for a walk etc) as she feels it’s a sign from him (I think this is pretty common although not something I believe in).

i have a feather cushion that keeps shedding bloody feathers all over the place so I brought one with me to her house and left it on the bathroom windowsill (window open so it technically could have floated in). friend later posts a picture of it on Facebook saying she was really down about her dad that day and was so pleased to have a ‘sign’ from him on a day she needed it.

DH thinks I’m a dick for tricking her like this. i don’t see the harm. AIBU?

OP posts:
SausagePourHomme · 12/07/2022 12:35

As long as you never tell her or anyone else, i don't see the harm

Blossomtoes · 12/07/2022 12:35

I think it’s a nice thing to do and very far from dickish.

cava14una · 12/07/2022 12:36

Who is to say where the motivation to leave the feather came from?

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/07/2022 12:36

I hope you never tell anyone what you did so it doesn't get back to your friend, as she will feel decieved I'd imagine. I think it's a pretty odd thing to do.

Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 12:37

I looked for feathers when my son died (and found them) and they gave me comfort.
Never tell her. It will crush her I think

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:37

If she genuinely believes this then you must never ever tell her what you did

Iwantmyoldnameback · 12/07/2022 12:37

You should never tell anyone, especially not on a forum that gets picked up by the gutter press.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/07/2022 12:37

This was a storyline in Corrie.

You meant well. Don't do it again.

Myleakycauldron · 12/07/2022 12:38

Delete this thread!

LadyCampanulaTottington · 12/07/2022 12:38

It’s a lovely thing you’ve done for your friend.

Who cares where it came from, if it brings her comfort that’s a good thing.

Don't tell her it was you.

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 12/07/2022 12:38

You are in danger of taking something away from her that is giving her comfort.

If she finds out she will think of you and not her dad.

You are already talking about it on here, and you've told your husband.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 12/07/2022 12:39

I think that's a really deceitful thing to do. If she ever finds out you've potentially destroyed your friendship.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/07/2022 12:40

Agreed you should get this thread deleted. It would be awful if she found out. It's essentially like you saying you think what she feels about feathers is rubbish and therefore you are planting them. Very odd.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:41

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 12/07/2022 12:38

You are in danger of taking something away from her that is giving her comfort.

If she finds out she will think of you and not her dad.

You are already talking about it on here, and you've told your husband.

Yup hope the press don't pick this one up, that your friend isn't on mumsnet and that your DH isn't a dick

FirewomanSam · 12/07/2022 12:41

It would have been a nice thing to do if she never found out but you’ve posted about it on one of the busiest forums on Mumsnet and I’d wager someone who saw her Facebook post will probably see this thread and tell her.

WeAreGoingOnASummerHoliday · 12/07/2022 12:42

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:37

If she genuinely believes this then you must never ever tell her what you did

That's great until the Daily Fail publishes this. Why the need to start a post?

JamSandwich89 · 12/07/2022 12:42

I'm kind of with your DH. If I was your friend and I found out it was you, I'd be hurt. I'd maybe appreciate you were just trying to help, but I'd still feel sore about the whole thing. Really, even if you don't believe in it, what you've done is pretend her dead Dad was near her and was sending a message when we wasn't. That's... maybe we'll intentioned but off.

Redhotpoker · 12/07/2022 12:43

I know you were trying to help her and it came from good place but, as a believer in this myself, I would hate anyone to 'trick' me like that. Please, please never do it again

knackeredagain · 12/07/2022 12:43

This was a storyline in Corrie after Oliver died. It didn’t end well.

ThreeLittleDots · 12/07/2022 12:43

I think it was weirdly controlling, sorry.

It's a massive over-step to try to control her emotions for her, no matter how well-intentioned.

If she ever found out or suspected (and this would be quite easy seeing as she is likely to see your cushion and also you're posting about it on the internet!) she may feel like an utter fool and massively patronised. Let's hope she sees the funny (ridiculous) side.

SurpriseSurprise · 12/07/2022 12:43

This was a storyline in a TV show relatively recently, I can’t remember which one but the person went mental when they found out.

I think it is a bit weird tbh, a nice photo of her Dad in a frame would’ve been better

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:43

How is it lovely? It's interferring with the signs from her father by creating fake ones

Original poster
hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:46

i’m almost certain she’s not on mn for various reasons (I did consider that before posting). I would obviously never tell her or anyone other than DH

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 12/07/2022 12:49

i’m almost certain she’s not on mn for various reasons (I did consider that before posting). I would obviously never tell her or anyone other than DH

Many more people visit AIBU than you think, especially when the Daily Mail and other journalists frequently rip posts from here and publish them online / in newspapers. Any one of her friends on FB could be here and figure it out.

Please have this thread deleted and never do anything so stupid and patronising ever again.

Teddeh · 12/07/2022 12:50

It kind of comes across like you're intervening because you don't truly believe that her dead father's energy can manifest feathers, or that the universe will provide feathers as needed. I think someone who believes as your friend does would see this as hubris. More directly: if you think she'd be upset if she knew you planted the feathers, then it was the wrong thing to do.