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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was I BU to leave a feather at my friend’s house?

74 replies

hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:34

last week I visited a friend who has recently lost her dad. she was really close to him and is obviously devastated. she had previously mentioned finding comfort in seeing white feathers (on the ground when out for a walk etc) as she feels it’s a sign from him (I think this is pretty common although not something I believe in).

i have a feather cushion that keeps shedding bloody feathers all over the place so I brought one with me to her house and left it on the bathroom windowsill (window open so it technically could have floated in). friend later posts a picture of it on Facebook saying she was really down about her dad that day and was so pleased to have a ‘sign’ from him on a day she needed it.

DH thinks I’m a dick for tricking her like this. i don’t see the harm. AIBU?

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 12/07/2022 12:51

hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:46

i’m almost certain she’s not on mn for various reasons (I did consider that before posting). I would obviously never tell her or anyone other than DH

No. Don't tell DH. Don't tell anyone ever.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 12/07/2022 12:52

I hope a tabloid doesn't pick this up as it will be pretty obvious if your friend reads it.

JellyBellyNelly · 12/07/2022 12:52

This is all shades of wrong.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:52

You're basically mocking her belief

Original poster
hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:52

Teddeh · 12/07/2022 12:50

It kind of comes across like you're intervening because you don't truly believe that her dead father's energy can manifest feathers, or that the universe will provide feathers as needed. I think someone who believes as your friend does would see this as hubris. More directly: if you think she'd be upset if she knew you planted the feathers, then it was the wrong thing to do.

she would be upset if she knew yeh. So I guess it was wrong. I knew it would bring her comfort but yes she’d be raging if she knew

OP posts:
Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:52

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 12/07/2022 12:51

No. Don't tell DH. Don't tell anyone ever.

Show quote history

Too late she already has

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:53

hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:52

she would be upset if she knew yeh. So I guess it was wrong. I knew it would bring her comfort but yes she’d be raging if she knew

Show quote history

Glad you can see that now. I wouldn't mention it to her though. Just don't do it again ever.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/07/2022 12:54

hellamay · 12/07/2022 12:52

she would be upset if she knew yeh. So I guess it was wrong. I knew it would bring her comfort but yes she’d be raging if she knew

Show quote history

Well in that case surely you can see ywbu.

Just as Ywbu posting about it and as yabu by not getting this thread deleted.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 12/07/2022 12:54

I think you need to her this taken down. Its very much Daily Mails style and they put the stories on Facebook. The fact both she and the article mention white feathers will mean Facebook with probably put it on her feed even if she doesn't follow DM.

It will absolutely break her. YANBU to do it. YABU to ever ever tell anybody about it.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/07/2022 12:55

I... wouldn't have toyed with her emotions like that. Don't say it was you and don't do it again.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 12/07/2022 12:56

I agree.
This could be picked up by the press.

Also , maybe one of her other friends has seen this thread.

Please get it deleted.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 12/07/2022 12:57

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 12:52

Too late she already has

Show quote history

Fool of a Took

CupidStunt22 · 12/07/2022 12:59

Teddeh · 12/07/2022 12:50

It kind of comes across like you're intervening because you don't truly believe that her dead father's energy can manifest feathers, or that the universe will provide feathers as needed. I think someone who believes as your friend does would see this as hubris. More directly: if you think she'd be upset if she knew you planted the feathers, then it was the wrong thing to do.

Well her dead fathers energy can't manifest feathers, so that's right.

She's a dope to believe something so silly, and OP is being horrible messing with her daft friend silly belief. ESH

jevoudrais · 12/07/2022 13:04

I think you should not have done it. You meant well but it was misguided. I'd be irate if I found out a friend did this to me.

dippingdots12 · 12/07/2022 13:10

It doesn't really matter if shes on mumsnet or not because like you mentioned, she put it online so if anyone else saw that then sees this thread they could link the two together. Plus the daily fail is always stealing stories from threads on here. I can see you were trying to help her but if she ever found out it was you it could really cause some upset!

Cherrysoup · 12/07/2022 13:13

Just never tell her 🤷‍♀️

Time40 · 12/07/2022 13:15

Get this thread deleted, OP. Your friend will be so angry if she finds out.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 13:21

CupidStunt22 · 12/07/2022 12:59

Well her dead fathers energy can't manifest feathers, so that's right.

She's a dope to believe something so silly, and OP is being horrible messing with her daft friend silly belief. ESH

Show quote history

In your opinion. In her opinion he can and does.

QueSyrahSyrah · 12/07/2022 13:26

I can see your good intention but a very misguided thing to do! My DH takes comfort from Robins as his late Dad loved them. When one appeared in the garden at our wedding reception I absolutely ran to get him but I'd never in a million years have told him I'd seen one that I hadn't (the most similar thing I can think of, since I couldn't exactly plant one there).

KarmaStar · 12/07/2022 13:30

Op,
it could have been her dad urging you to do this.
as long as nobody ever tells her then there's nothing wrong with doing something with good intent on this occasion.
The outcome is that she is delighted and comforted so that's no bad thing when grief is so much around.
🌻

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 13:34

If I set fire to a bush in the garden and said it was a sign from God that wouldn't be ok. This is the same thing.

bananaboats · 12/07/2022 13:45

I think that's a horrible thing to do to mess with someone's feelings like that

ThreeLittleDots · 12/07/2022 13:46

it could have been her dad urging you to do this

FFS. There's everything wrong with this stupid trickery. Not least because it perpetuates the ridiculous beliefs of the hard-of-thinking.

Essexgalttc · 12/07/2022 13:47

You had good intensions at heart OP. You wanted to give your friend comfort that her father was looking over her but I agree with with other comments and your DH. You made a mistake and shouldn’t of done this as it could upset your friend if she found out. I’d ask mumsnet to delete this post and then pretend it didn’t happen. Sometimes honesty is the best policy but I’m afraid this is something you’ll have to keep secret to the grave…

ThreeLittleDots · 12/07/2022 13:50

The outcome is that she is delighted and comforted so that's no bad thing when grief is so much around

Grief is a normal psychological process. OP interfered with this unacceptably IMO.

What if the bereaved person takes it seriously? Asks for more signs and doesn't get them? Spends a fortune on psychic mediums and other charlatans? Never really comes to term with their grief? Keeps banging on about their "sign" and causes their family and friends to also go down the same useless path?!