AIBU to say I wouldn’t want a male massage therapist?

[Wombat100]

Just read an awful article on the BBC about these poor women who have been sexually assaulted by male massage therapists who they booked to massage them at home.

I was thinking about it and to be honest I don’t even like being at home alone if eg. a boiler man I don’t know comes to do a boiler service. I’m probably being a bit ridiculous/OTT in that regard but the thought of booking a male masseur via an app and inviting him into my home totally gives me the creeps.

Nb. I would have a massage from a male therapist at a spa etc where there are other therapists around/he is known, it’s just the home element which would make me feel really vulnerable.

Just wondered whether others agree?

YABU - you would happily book a male therapist at home.
YANBU - not in a million years would you book a male therapist to come to your home alone.

No.

There is a male masseuse in my area who I’ve always picked up a really creepy vibe from - he has now trained in female intimate waxing which has only reinforced my impression of him tbh.

YANBU

Like other posters, I have had a male masseur in the past and had a bad experience too. It's sad how many are on this post saying this! It was at THE most upmarket/famous spa chain too, so clearly he was properly trained. I had not thought to request a female and I felt, like others, I could not say anything when he came to meet me for the massage.

Basically whilst he was massaging me and my face was down in the hole, he pushed what felt like his erect penis (clothed) into my hand that was lying by my side. It was one of those situations where I was thinking "surely that's not what I think it is.." but doubted myself. I moved my hand in closer to my body and didn't know what to do. The only way to have been sure would have been to lift my head up from the hole and turn to look, thereby exposing my bare breasts to him!! I've run it over in my head multiple times and kind of wish I had done this. He later did the same thing to my foot. But both times there was that 0.1% of doubt there that I hadnt SEEN it so was I totally sure. Immediately after the massage I told my friend what happened and she assumed I must have been mistaken. Replaying it over and over in my head over the years I'm sure I wasn't and I wish I'd reacted at the time!

Never again!

Also just to add that it's not the same as a health professional but I still request a chaperone now when I have male professionals doing any sort of intimate exam.

Standing ovation for this one 👏

Had a bad experience in Turkey with one guy- the masseurs were all men there in the Turkish baths at the time. But in the UK it wouldn't occur to me that it might be a man, they are nearly always women. I would request a female therapist, yes. I've had a neck and shoulder massage from a man in the UK which was amazing but that was through clothes.

That's similar to what happened to me in Turkey @Rosiestraws Clearly it's not completely uncommon.

he pushed what felt like his erect penis (clothed) into my hand that was lying by my side. It was one of those situations where I was thinking "surely that's not what I think it is.."

I had this from a junior doctor in A&E, when he was left alone in the room with me. I was only about 21. Just didn't know what to do. So I did nothing.

I’ve been sexually assaulted by a doctor, had to report a man from a welll known company for a sexual offence he was subsequently prosecuted for and have also been sexually assaulted in the street more than once. I doubt if I’m a rare case.

‘Overestimating risk based on news reports’ my arse. Many of us have numerous real life experiences of men to fully understand the risk. If you don’t, lucky you, but you don’t get to tell other women they are worried about nothing.

A well known company, working in my home I should have said!

Doctors offer a chaperone for intimate examinations.
My dd needed physio for a while and I was always asked to be present in the room.
The majority of men are fine, but some aren't and we can't tell which ones until it is too late.
Of course it is all getting more complicated now that anyone can say they are a woman and we have to accept it.

I was at a posh health spa and had a male masseuse. He didn't do anything inappropriate but I would swear when he leaned over me he was hard (his hips would have pressed slightly against my side). I much prefer a female.

I'm not saying anyone is worried about nothing, fully appreciate past experience colour future interactions.

However this doesn't make it more dangerous for women to have a male masseuse. Take the taxi thread from the other day, the fact of the matter is the OPs male companion is more at risk of a random attack from their male taxi driver than the OP is. Yet she wanted her male friend to go out of his way to let her get dropped off first because she didn't feel safe alone with a man, ignoring the fact that out of the two of them he is far more likely to be at risk of harm.

This is what I mean about perception and understanding of risk.

I chose not to live my life in fear of what might happen, fully understand those who have had the worst happen are likely to be clouded by that experience, therapy is great for that.

@alphapie 95% of offenders are male, about 99% of violent and sex offenders. It's not paranoia to think we are safer with other women, we are safer with other women.

And FWIW I'm not fearful of someone rubbing their knob on me, I'd just rather not experience that, thanks, when I'm supposed to be having a non-sexual therapeutic experience. I know for sure that particular thing is not going to happen if it's a female therapist.

Women do not need therapy for perfectly rational amd sensible boundaries they put in place.

Who benefits from women being made to feel their bounderies are offensive. Not women that's for sure.

The answer to male violence against other males is not for women to offer themselves up to.

YABU chiefly because I prefer a deep tissue massage and by past experience the proportion of crap female masseuses is significantly higher than male ones. Something about finger strength OTOH and using their body weight to supplement it on the other. Thar said, one, I would only ever book massage from a practitioner or an outfit I know and trust, and two, the best ever masseuse I've used is an elderly lady (Georgian sports and rehabilitation doctor who trained as a masseuse to supplement her therapies and now makes her living from it.)

alphapie

I don’t need therapy to deal with my very sensible caution around men when I’m in a vulnerable circumstance. You are also missing a couple of crucial points. Firstly, those statistics are based on violence. Men are more likely to experience violence from another man. Sexual attacks are what the majority of us fear and have experience of.
Secondly, men can fight off other men. We don’t stand a chance. Maybe we are not ‘clouded’ by our experience as opposed to clued up. Statistics really mean jack shit anyway as sexual attacks on women are vastly underreported.

Exactly this.

I'm not traumatised by what happened to me. I did not like it and I felt vulnerable at the time, being almost completely naked under a sheet with this guys hands all over me and him having a hard on pushed against me! With hindsight I wish I'd actually risked flashing him to sit up and look at him to confirm what I felt and I would have gone and reported him.

But there is zero risk of that happening if I request a female masseuse so I have done so going forward and managed to enjoy many other massages since.

"However this doesn't make it more dangerous for women to have a male masseuse." - @alphapie Well actually, yes it does. I don't know the exact statistics but I would comfortably say that I am 99% more likely to experience an unwanted sexual assault from a man than a woman. (And indeed have had many other small incidents like this over the years from men).

"Take the taxi thread from the other day, the fact of the matter is the OPs male companion is more at risk of a random attack from their male taxi driver than the OP is. Yet she wanted her male friend to go out of his way to let her get dropped off first because she didn't feel safe alone with a man, ignoring the fact that out of the two of them he is far more likely to be at risk of harm." - @alphapie I don't know what this thread was but, again, I'd bet money on you being incorrect here. Men are more likely to experience random violence from a man perhaps in general. But I'd bet a lot that there are more cases of male taxi drivers randomly attacking women in their taxis than there are of them attacking men. I agree that a man might be more likely to be punched in a bar fight by a stranger than a woman is but that's not what's being discussed here.

@Rosiestraws tbh in that taxi post the taxi driver was actually the person most at risk based on crime stats but still.

Men are more likely to be attacked by other men, women are a lot less likely to be attacked randomly by a man off the streets, far more likely to be prone to violence (including sexual violence) from someone they know vs men.

I'd have more fear about my son walking home alone than my daughter, as it's been shown time and time again he is at a far higher risk of being attacked (especially if alone)

This is what I refer to when discussing the inability to assess risk sometimes on here.

Are we on 'what about the men' yet?

I've had some very strong massages from women. Christ, I wouldn't want it any firmer than the Swedish massage I had one time. She was like Brigitte Nielsen. 🤣 Ouch. In a good way- just!

This is what I refer to when discussing the inability to assess risk sometimes on here

You are demonstrating that very inability @alphapie by talking about the likelyhood of being attacked in a taxi, when we are assessing the risk of having someone rub their knob on you on a massage table. Which is, precisely zero if a woman is doing the massage.

@alphapie have you answered the question yet about whether you are a male or female yourself?