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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument over such a minor issue - is it me?

76 replies

Amitheproblem · 12/07/2022 09:39

Hi all. I can't work out whether I'm completely overreacting or this is just a sign that my relationship is just completely toxic.

Just got back from the school run, I don't drive so my partner takes us all and drops me home again before going off to work (he's self employed).

We get some universal credit and my partner can only work a certain number of hours due to a spinal injury, he has to supply fit notes every couple of months.

We collected his latest one on the way home and as it expired yesterday I wanted to get it added to the UC account as soon as we got home so started doing that while he made himself some breakfast before he left. We were fine at this point, laughing and joking.

It came to add the dates and I noticed that the doctor hadn't added the dates onto the note as she usually does, it just said "I authorised this fit note on 11th July 2022" for "2 months". I wanted to make sure that I was adding the dates correctly so I decided to double check with my partner that as it started on July 11th, it should run until Sept 11th.

He said (at this point he was eating his breakfast) "I don't know, do I?". I got quite annoyed and repeated my question amd he said "I'm eating my breakfast before I go to work. Check the calendar". I got even more annoyed and decided to just put Sept 11th as the end date and hope it's right.

Things then descended into an argument with me saying he should have just helped with my question and him saying he was busy and didn't know the answer as he didn't have a calendar in front of him.

I know it sounds so petty but this is typical of any discussion we have lately, he's so unhelpful and maybe I'm too impatient to get an answer right away....it then turns into a row.

So help me learn for future reference; in this particular instance - how would you have handled it?

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 12/07/2022 09:40

I wouldn’t have handled it.

His sick note, his problem to upload.

Onlyforcake · 12/07/2022 09:43

I wouldn't have been doing that as surely he should be confirming the details?

AlmostSummer21 · 12/07/2022 09:45

If you regularly add the dates for UC, surely you'd know whether it's 2 calendar months (so always the same date) or if it always starts in a Monday for 8 weeks or whatever?

he said he didn't know, so I don't see there was much point in keep asking.

He was a but grumpy, but he said he didn't know, how many times did he need to say 'I don't know' befire you just dealt with it??

spotcheck · 12/07/2022 09:46

Surely you know how to calculate 2 months from the current date?

DecimatedDreams · 12/07/2022 09:46

Why does your partner take you to and from school with the children? That seems like a waste of everyone's time. And you caused an argument unnecessarily - even if he's a knob 99% of the time, I think this one was on you.

Rosebel · 12/07/2022 09:47

You both sound unreasonable tbh. He could have checked but so could you and presumably he wanted to get to work.
It's his fit note though so get him to sort it next time.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2022 09:48

Your relationship sounds exhausting. What's the point of it?

GrazingSheep · 12/07/2022 09:48

Why does your partner take you to and from school with the children?

The op doesn’t drive. It’s right there in the first post.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 12/07/2022 09:48

Lack of communication, as most things are. He should've said it would have to wait until he wasn't in a rush, and yiu should've left it until a time when he wasn't in a rush.
I do think that as your (one's) relationship progresses, you learn the best way to handle each other's little moods. There is no way my DH would ask me something where i had to think that early in the morning or while I was eating, and I don't ask him anything while he's playing his guitar or after 9pm, when he might as well be asleep!

Soubriquet · 12/07/2022 09:50

I agree his sick note, his responsibility but if you insist on doing it, would it have killed your to open a calendar?

FetchezLaVache · 12/07/2022 09:50

GrazingSheep · 12/07/2022 09:48

Why does your partner take you to and from school with the children?

The op doesn’t drive. It’s right there in the first post.

I think the question was more, why does the OP have to go too? Why can't he just do the school run on his own?

Original poster
Amitheproblem · 12/07/2022 09:51

spotcheck · 12/07/2022 09:46

Surely you know how to calculate 2 months from the current date?

I don't know, I've always had this thing with numbers where I feel like I know the answer but need to double check. I got confused :(

I deal with everything to do with the UC as the money goes into my bank account and I pay the bills from it. So I tend to just log in using his details and upload the sick note. That's the way we've always done it.

@AlmostSummer21 - I usually just add the dates that the gp puts on the fit note but filled it in differently this time.

He only said I don't know once, but it was his dismissive attitude (or what I perceived to be dismissive) that annoyed me. Granted he was off to work but I just think a second to help me out with something simple wouldn't have hurt...

OP posts:
FirewomanSam · 12/07/2022 09:54

GrazingSheep · 12/07/2022 09:48

Why does your partner take you to and from school with the children?

The op doesn’t drive. It’s right there in the first post.

I think the point of the question was, why does OP need to go with them?

OP I’m not sure what you wanted his help with. Does it really take two people and a calendar to work out when 2 months after 11 July is? Or are we misunderstanding what the question was?

Original poster
Amitheproblem · 12/07/2022 09:55

Hmm, reading through responses I can kind of see that it might have been more my fault... I just wanted to get it down as my memory is terrible and he wouldn't remember to do it after work - and I can't afford to be sanctioned.

Oh the school run thing for whoever asked - I've always taken them to school and we moved last year to the other end of town so I just got into the habit of getting in the car and going as well. He drives, I take the younger ones up to the school gate and say goodbye etc and then we go home and he gets his van and goes off to work.

Just suits us doing things that way.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 12/07/2022 09:55

You completely over-reacted OP. You can't work out the date yourself, but expect someone else to do it instantly despite being in the middle of their breakfast. And when they don't, you repeat the question which is really rude and annoying. On this occasion it was totally down to you OP.

Littleraindrop15 · 12/07/2022 09:56

yabu I think you got inpatient and then caused an argument

Original poster
Amitheproblem · 12/07/2022 09:57

FirewomanSam · 12/07/2022 09:54

I think the point of the question was, why does OP need to go with them?

OP I’m not sure what you wanted his help with. Does it really take two people and a calendar to work out when 2 months after 11 July is? Or are we misunderstanding what the question was?

Show quote history

No in my head I doubted myself (I think I have a real problem with maths or any sort of counting ahead/adding up) and wondered whether the end date might be August 11th.

Of course, now I can see that it's impossible for that to be but in the moment, I just confused myself and needed reassurance that I was adding the date correctly.

OP posts:
FirewomanSam · 12/07/2022 10:01

Of course, now I can see that it's impossible for that to be but in the moment, I just confused myself and needed reassurance that I was adding the date correctly.

That’s fair enough! And I’m not sure why eating breakfast precludes your partner from saying ‘yes, 2 months from July is September’ or why he would need a calendar to check, unless he similarly struggles with numbers.

ThisBloodyWeatherIsKillingMe · 12/07/2022 10:01

YABU. You could have just sorted it out easily. I expect he was a bit fed-up, as he was having his breakfast then he'd got to take you and the kids, then go to work himself. Wouldn't it be logical for him to take the children and then go straight to work? Or take you all and let you make your own way back so that he can get to work?

Original poster
Amitheproblem · 12/07/2022 10:03

FirewomanSam · 12/07/2022 10:01

Of course, now I can see that it's impossible for that to be but in the moment, I just confused myself and needed reassurance that I was adding the date correctly.

That’s fair enough! And I’m not sure why eating breakfast precludes your partner from saying ‘yes, 2 months from July is September’ or why he would need a calendar to check, unless he similarly struggles with numbers.

This is what I was thinking but apparently I was wrong.

I do wonder whether I've mentally checked out of the relationship and so am causing arguments (not intentionally, or at least, I'm not aware that's what I'm doing).

It's been so tough for quite a while...these types of things. Petty misunderstandings and tension.

OP posts:
Kidsaretryingtodestroyme · 12/07/2022 10:05

All of this sounds unreasonable but I think OP is the most unreasonable. Questions I have in my mind are:

Why do you need to do the school run with them?
How many kids do you have?
Do you work and if not why, because it seems unfair to rely on an injured man to be the sole earner as well as very risky. What happens if his injury worsens as it’s clear you need the money if there’s such reliance on UC.
Why can’t you quickly check a calendar?

FirewomanSam · 12/07/2022 10:06

It's been so tough for quite a while...these types of things. Petty misunderstandings and tension

Yes I was reading your posts thinking this was probably the case. As an isolated incident this sounds like such a non issue but people in happy relationships don’t usually squabble and fall out over tiny things like this. It definitely sounds like a symptom of a much larger problem. I’m sorry you are going through that.

Original poster
Amitheproblem · 12/07/2022 10:06

ThisBloodyWeatherIsKillingMe · 12/07/2022 10:01

YABU. You could have just sorted it out easily. I expect he was a bit fed-up, as he was having his breakfast then he'd got to take you and the kids, then go to work himself. Wouldn't it be logical for him to take the children and then go straight to work? Or take you all and let you make your own way back so that he can get to work?

Well we were only given one front door key but the landlord and they've forbidden us to get another made so not that this is the only reason, but its just easier and cheaper for him to drop us down and back again.

As he's self employed he doesn't always work every day and on the days he does, he's in no rush to start work as it's something where he can start at 9am, 10 or even 11 and still be home for around 2pm.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 12/07/2022 10:09

You could go and get a key cut anyway. What the LL doesn’t know, won’t hurt them

cushioncovers · 12/07/2022 10:21

Can you learn to drive op? Misses the point I know