Argument over such a minor issue - is it me?

[Amitheproblem]

Hi all. I can't work out whether I'm completely overreacting or this is just a sign that my relationship is just completely toxic.

Just got back from the school run, I don't drive so my partner takes us all and drops me home again before going off to work (he's self employed).

We get some universal credit and my partner can only work a certain number of hours due to a spinal injury, he has to supply fit notes every couple of months.

We collected his latest one on the way home and as it expired yesterday I wanted to get it added to the UC account as soon as we got home so started doing that while he made himself some breakfast before he left. We were fine at this point, laughing and joking.

It came to add the dates and I noticed that the doctor hadn't added the dates onto the note as she usually does, it just said "I authorised this fit note on 11th July 2022" for "2 months". I wanted to make sure that I was adding the dates correctly so I decided to double check with my partner that as it started on July 11th, it should run until Sept 11th.

He said (at this point he was eating his breakfast) "I don't know, do I?". I got quite annoyed and repeated my question amd he said "I'm eating my breakfast before I go to work. Check the calendar". I got even more annoyed and decided to just put Sept 11th as the end date and hope it's right.

Things then descended into an argument with me saying he should have just helped with my question and him saying he was busy and didn't know the answer as he didn't have a calendar in front of him.

I know it sounds so petty but this is typical of any discussion we have lately, he's so unhelpful and maybe I'm too impatient to get an answer right away....it then turns into a row.

So help me learn for future reference; in this particular instance - how would you have handled it?

I tried last year but my theory test ran out and just can't afford at the moment to start again.

I do work but at the moment only a few hours a week as I have terrible anxiety - at least that's what I've been diagnosed with officially, with my lack of basic maths skills and the fact I can't even go into a supermarket or cook a meal without getting into what my mum used to call "a tizz", I do wonder whether there might be more to it.

I have one child with adhd and one with autism as well as lots of ND family members so I could have something along those lines, too.

Anyway. Even the few hours I work, are such a struggle. Can barely even make myself get through the doors some days, as stupid as that may sound.

Well, it sounds like you want him to be patient and understanding with your shortcomings while you're being arsey and impatient with him. Can't have it both ways or this is what happens - you're snappy with him, wanting reassurance, and he's snappy with your, wanting to eat his breakfast in peace. Unless I've missed something, he's the one grabbing breakfast between doing the driving and heading off to work, while you could've taken time to check the calendar and reassure yourself. So YABU here but it's probably a bit of both of you overall putting yourselves first and not cutting each other some slack.

Having read your updates, I think it would be a good idea to get a formal diagnosis which will allow you to get some support. It sounds like you’re really struggling so apologies if I was harsh in my original post.

They can't forbid you. IT's your home, you can get a thousand keys cut if you want to.

He was grumpy because he'd taken you on the school run and was eating breakfast before going to work, whilst you were going to be home alone all day.

To me, it just sounds like he was impatient and wondering why you couldn't do it if you had all day to do it.

You can't be that bad with admin and numbers if you deal with all the UC stuff and bank account/family finances.

Just a minor disagreement between two people who felt stressed in that moment and only an issue because you say it happens often. Do arguments always happen at this time of day, or are they always triggered by you asking for help? Just wondering if there's a pattern you could identify.

I think you need to see a GP. Things don’t sound quite right.

Also the single key doesn’t mean you have to go on the school run. You stay at home with the key while your partner does the school run and goes on to work. The outcome is the same.

Landlords cannot forbid you from getting another key cut.

This all sounds so unhealthy to be honest, from obeying the landlord over your own convenience to not being able to count forward two months without checking. Also most computers have a calender that you can click on to check really easily and it feels that you need some assertiveness help OP. Just to be confident in your own skin.

You acknowledge that it's petty, thus you are aware of whatever issues you have (which seem to get longer and longer with each post), so I think you need to give your partner some grace rather than expecting him to be incredibly supportive every single time.

I'm going with YABU because I hate people badgering me when I'm trying to eat

Your landlord can’t forbid you from getting another key, that’s ridiculous and impractical. You going to the school with your partner is a waste of time.

The asking about the calendar dates was on you. Don’t you have a calendar app on your phone?

YABU
You sound very co-dependant on him.

When you go shopping and things do you both go together or do you do things on your own?

I’d be really annoyed if I was just about to go to work and trying to eat my breakfast and you were asking me a silly question.

What was the sick note for if he’s still working SE anyway?

Why would you even need to ask him that, you know what a month is. I don’t like it when people around me can’t seem to think for themselves.

ok so I’ll be like honest and it’s coming from a good place
but truthfully yoh sound really annoying (to him?) - repeating a question that he’s already told you he doesn’t know, drives you to and home from school when he could go straight to work, yoh hardly work because you state you’re anxious, you can’t have another key, you can’t drive etc etc
its just all like, you you you

and I’m not judging about the driving - I don’t drive either but like why are you being driven home?
I don’t know if he’s just one of those people who are dismissive so it’s riling you up or if you are just kinda needy
but it does sound hella annoying

(sorry!)

It sounds like you need to have a big think and sort out here OP. You sound very co-dependent. I think what you really need is a GP appointment and to pursue a formal diagnosis/treatment if necessary. Then you need to take some steps to gain some independence. It wasn't really the question about the calendar, it appears from your post that you rely on your DP for a lot of things and this was just another question, how do you do the food shop for example?

Gently, and kindly, as I know it's easier said than done, I think these are the things that need to happen:

• Make a GP appointment, try to solve/diagnose/improve any issues that you might have
• Learn to drive at the earliest possible opportunity, it must be very draining for your DP having to transport somebody else everywhere
• Have a think about the school run, is this way really the best use of people's time?
• Is there another job/type of job/more hours that you could do to earn more money? (would help with the driving and being less worried about the UC)

I always think that when the DC go back to school in September, it's like a second 'New Year' - it could be a good time for you to change things up a bit. Good luck!

I have to calculate dates for work. I use this.

www.timeanddate.com/date/dateadd.html

You could use it, too.

I love when people flippantly say 'learn to drive' like it's not very expensive to pay for a theory test, learner's permit, lessons, the driving test, driver's licence and (usually) then buy a car, pay tax, insurance. And that's assuming you pass your driving test on the first try.

I presume the one key is left with you, which still doesn’t explain why you need to go with him to the school.

It sounds like he would come home before work anyway, so it's no big deal that the OP goes too, I don't think.

It's hard to say, but i do think the constant questioning sounds exhausting. OP, why didn't you just Google the 2 months thing when you could see he was busy eating?

I also have ADHD, so I understand how difficult it can be. For example, I have a form that was due on 6/26 and for some reason I thought it was July 26. I think you need to talk to your GP. Medication can really help.

What I mean is, that there are ways to manage ADHD. Not perfectly, but it sounds like you are too reliant on your DH and that isn't healthy for either of you.

Here in the US gas prices are really high. They must not be that high there if you're willing to waste gas (and time) for him to drive you to school and then back home for no reason. We're doing our best to cut down on gas usage.

2 months starting on 11 July would end on 10 September OP.

The key situation is beyond ridiculous. What happens if the one key gets lost?

I think it's you.

Presumably you were at a computer or tablet, and could have opened the calendar.

I'd be annoyed too, if you don't know with access to a calendar infront ofyou, how is he supposed to?

Can u move the dc to school's closer to where you live?
It must cost a load in petrol if nothing else.
It makes no sense for you to both drop them... and then come back..cuts into working hours if nothing else..

Get another key cut..the landlord cannot forbid it

Can you look at other work? And him as being dependent on sick notes every 2 months must be stressful..
Unless hes going to be better in time and work more . In which case he won't be able to drop the dc off

To be fair, it took me a little while to realise that the GP's two months for a prescription is actually 8 weeks. Different organisations might have different rules. Maybe this is worth clarifying by looking back at previous sick notes to check what the GP has written in the past. Then make a note of the expected start and finish dates going forward.