Argument over such a minor issue - is it me?

[Amitheproblem]

Hi all. I can't work out whether I'm completely overreacting or this is just a sign that my relationship is just completely toxic.

Just got back from the school run, I don't drive so my partner takes us all and drops me home again before going off to work (he's self employed).

We get some universal credit and my partner can only work a certain number of hours due to a spinal injury, he has to supply fit notes every couple of months.

We collected his latest one on the way home and as it expired yesterday I wanted to get it added to the UC account as soon as we got home so started doing that while he made himself some breakfast before he left. We were fine at this point, laughing and joking.

It came to add the dates and I noticed that the doctor hadn't added the dates onto the note as she usually does, it just said "I authorised this fit note on 11th July 2022" for "2 months". I wanted to make sure that I was adding the dates correctly so I decided to double check with my partner that as it started on July 11th, it should run until Sept 11th.

He said (at this point he was eating his breakfast) "I don't know, do I?". I got quite annoyed and repeated my question amd he said "I'm eating my breakfast before I go to work. Check the calendar". I got even more annoyed and decided to just put Sept 11th as the end date and hope it's right.

Things then descended into an argument with me saying he should have just helped with my question and him saying he was busy and didn't know the answer as he didn't have a calendar in front of him.

I know it sounds so petty but this is typical of any discussion we have lately, he's so unhelpful and maybe I'm too impatient to get an answer right away....it then turns into a row.

So help me learn for future reference; in this particular instance - how would you have handled it?

Of course you can get another key cut, unless it is one of those really expensive ones that needs a secret code known only to the landlord, but IME those companies always provide 3 keys.

Six of one, half dozen of the other.

YABU OP. Your questioning would have been frustrating not only because he was trying to eat breakfast and get to work, but because it could have been sorted by yourself

• use a calendar to count two months ahead (or however many weeks is noted). A Google calculator online as mentioned above may even be better than counting the weeks manually if numbers are an issue
• get another key cut - how will your landlord know? And also they can’t forbid each adult in the house having a key
• Dont waste fuel and time by doing double journeys. You say money is tight, doing unnecessary journeys each day will not help that
• get support for your anxiety and potential adhd before further arguments like this happen as it may build up to something bigger

I have one of those locks and only one key. Found that chains like Timpsons won’t cut without the code but a small independent key cutter did it no bother

This ^

Fair point, but perhaps it's helpful for OP to keep hold of some responsibility. Not sure doing it less is ultimately going to help with the anxiety and 'tizzes'. It's probably better for her to take the advice here, manage simple issues like this herself without putting it on him, and build up more confidence.

No, gas prices are extremely cheap in the US compared to many other countries at the moment.

@steff13 It’s about $5 at the moment? Here it’s over $10 near $11.

I love when people flippantly say 'learn to drive' like it's not very expensive to pay for a theory test, learner's permit, lessons, the driving test, driver's licence and (usually) then buy a car, pay tax, insurance. And that's assuming you pass your driving test on the first try

Totally agree @AgentMagenta it's a thing I see a lot on MN but rarely hear in RL. Learning how to drive is incredibly expensive. Having a car at all is incredibly expensive. And honestly there are few places in the UK where is is essential to have a car. I have two children and don't drive. For a long while I lived in a rural area and it was fine. There were buses (not many at all and none at weekends), I had a bike and also people can walk or car share.

Also, really importantly, there are a great many people who probably shouldn't drive. I have ADHD. I tried to learn but it was a struggle and I don't think I would have been safe on the roads. OP says she struggles with stuff and it's possible she has similar issues. She also has a low income. What on earth is the point in insisting that she learns how to drive? She might not be able to concentrate, she probably can't afford it and it's far better for the environment not to.

They're pretty much on a par at the moment with the pound being so weak. About $8 a US gallon in California and roughly $9 here in SE England. misses point of thread

OP, it sounds like one of those things that happen in relationships sometimes. It probably isn't this exact situation that's bothering you, but a larger picture of your relationship and this is just one small instance.

So why doesn't partner get kids and drop them at home, why does op need to go

That would be logical to save time, but maybe that is one of the things op really enjoys doing without anxiety and a way of getting out of the house for a while..

Yes but why do you go too?

@Aquamarine1029

And I am sure your's is perfect, if you even have one

My marriage of 25+ years is wonderful, thanks.

This. Especially when I am really busy/hungry, have a day ahead of me and/or am in a rush. Leave me be!

I agree with the PP who said repeating a question someone has already answered you with an 'I don't know' is rude and annoying. You sound like you were both a bit stressed, but you have a lot more time, he was just trying to have a couple of minutes to himself and didn't see why the sicknote thing had to be sorted immediately.

I agree you may benefit from some help with whatever makes you so anxious too.

Do you work too OP?

He didn't have the dates in front of him. Was rushing his breakfast down and you were wittering about something that's not immediately important.

Do you do a lot of wittering at the wrong times?

She has put upthread that she works but only a few hours (or something similar to that) due to anxiety.

Everything here, is he having to do everything because you 'get in a tizz' when you did this when younger did this just result in other people sorting or doing things for you? Yabvvu

Yes, I know. I was being facetious, making a comment on the ridiculous practice of taking the OP to the school and then back home every day for no reason, thus wasting gas, seeing as how it's so expensive.

He didn't have the dates in front of him. Was rushing his breakfast down and you were wittering about something that's not immediately important.

I feel like I’m reading a different thread to everyone else! OP was double checking what month comes two after July. That’s not a question that requires loads of thought or a calendar for the vast majority of people. Most people are more than capable of saying ‘yes, that’s right, September’ even with a mouth half full of cereal.

And even if he struggles with numbers and dates in the same way as OP does, there are much nicer ways to say ‘I think so, but I’m not totally sure, sorry’ instead of snapping.

This whole lifestyle sounds unnecessarily stressful.

Cant get a key cut? So if you both worked full or part time hours etc someone would have to quit because you cant have a key cut?

Or when your children became older or independent they can't have a key either?

Baloney.

Sounds like you might ask quite a few of these sorts of questions if you get in a tizz about things. In which case your DH probably gets impatient with you if it happens lots. I know it would drive me insane if my DH was continually asking me silly questions.