Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

A lot of people could only afford their houses etc etc on both people's salaries anyway though, so you could work part time or full time and STILL be flung into financial hardship if your other half left. It's not just SAHM who are at risk of this. That said, SAHM should definitely try and keep up some sort of skill set because it's a comfort to know you could get a job if you needed or wanted to.

Husbands having enough money to support a SAHP isn't the unusual set of circumstances being talked about. You have entirely misunderstood the post you are replying to.

I’ve never sneered at a SAHP - it isn’t none of my business of family choices.

I ask that I’m not asked whether I’m really a Mum if I was just going to shove them in nursery and missing all those first etc etc And read on this one I must be jealous - no I’m not.

On chats I see more negative comments one way and advice and caution (usually from experience) the other - sadly.

I do expect my husband my child father to share responsibility- he is my equal and we try out best in that unit. It maybe mean his career suffered but we are equal. As I’ve mentioned in previous post in chats I come from a family of working mothers from grandmas to aunties & fathers husband stepping up. So my exposure isn’t to SAHP so I can’t really have an opinion! I can say raised two girls who are happy and we’ve been to every play sports day and picked them up when they sick and needed us.

There is just so much wrong with this post.

Traditional female roles - don't know whether to 🙄 or 😂

Sooo much anger and resentment on thread. Factually it leaves you financially vulnerable not matter how happy you are or aren't. It's not just divorce, but death or long term illness too. That may or may not be a worry for you. It doesn't make other people bitter of mean to point that vulnerability out in certain contexts.

ComtesseDeSpair - I'm not suggesting that debates about structural inequality should not happen. Of course they should. But there is no excuse for patronising nastiness. Unfortunately, that is the tone in most SAHM thread on AIBU. I could start a SAHM thread now and just sit back and watch the inevitable spite and mocking roll in. It's obvious when someone wants to engage in wider, constructive discussion, as opposed to someone who just makes bitter snipes; tells you you are useless; lazy; you husband is a bastard and probably having an affair; your children don't respect you; nor does society. This is how it goes on here I'm afraid. And the biggest joke is that these same spiteful posters claim to represent feminists!

Hmmm...I'm the higher earner in my relationship and to be honest after having a baby 9 months ago I'd love to stay at home for the early years. Instead I'm going back part time but will still be earning more. I never thought I'd feel that way, was brought up by a single mum working 3 jobs and always said I'd never rely on anyone.

However - I do trust my partner and if we could afford it I would stay home for 2 or 3 years but we can't. So I am a bit envious of those who can.

I wonder if a lot of it comes down to the rest of the context of a post when someone is a SAHM? Often people are posting for advice because the partner/husband is a twat so in this case they are more vulnerable if not working.

Don’t let it get you down hon. There just bitter career women who through their own insecurity (possibly brought by people being judge about them) feel the need to put down women in traditionally feminine roles to try to feel better about themselves. They are the ones with the problems not you.

Hilarious!

I agree that unsolicited advice can be patronising if it's unrelated to the issues.
But, financial vulnerability is a matter of fact not opinion. Sometimes women's circumstances are objectively vulnerable, whether they percieve them to be or not. Just because a woman knows her relationship is strong and she is therefore secure at the time of posting, its no guarantee it will remain so. And if her finances depend on her relationship, she is vulnerable. That's obviously not to say it will definitely go wrong for her, but that there is a risk. Which is all that vulnerable means. Obviously if she has another reliable income stream outside of her husband's salary then that's different. But the advice is often directed at those who don't and are assuming they can count on their husband to support them.

I find it super odd to say you aren't vulnerable because you have a strong relationship or are happy. What if that changes? Which is can easily do.

@LuckyAmy1986 I wasn't implying that working means you are not at financial risk! But the risk is less, and not being out of the workplace for a substantial number of years usually (not always) means your earning potential is greater.

I absolutely know what it's like to suddenly end up single as a working parent because it happened to me - but at least I wasn't starting from earning £0 for myself.

There are many things you can do in a SAHM marriage to mitigate against financial vulnerability. Many SAHM are SAHM precisely because they are among the least financially vulnerable women. Some SAHM may not have considered their position fully - of course. But does not mean others are not very astute! There will be working women who have not fully considered their financial positions, but nobody uses that excuse to patronise all working women as naive! SAHMs are as varied as women who work. You can't just lump them all together as 'financially vulnerable.' As I said, rather than generalising, projecting and making declarations based on threads you see in Relationships, why not actually listen instead and understand that every family, SAHM or otherwise, is unique?

@Wollycraft66

Oh please - the SAHMs who are happy (or very part time Mums,) who are “dependant” on their husbands pay, and are happy, are extremely common. It’s just on MN women like to pretend SAHM are mostly in bad relationships.

I do agree with you there... I also agree that women who HAVE to work and are unhappy about it are the most scornful of SAHMs. However, I don't think THAT many women are horrible about SAHMS on here OR in real life, as lots of women do enjoy work, and enjoy their career.

I'm sorry if you and @iabr have been made to feel shitty for being SAHMs, but it is very likely just jealousy and bitterness from working women who hate their job who are mean to you. As I said though, many working women/career women are not scornful of SAHMs. I think you have just been unfortunate. 😘

Probably because so many women are financially dependant on men and when they post here, it’s because they want to leave or have a problem. Then they find they have nothing, they don’t work/ work part time and earn a lot less, need to see a solicitor, often don’t know what the husband may have squirrelled away. Etc

I wouldn’t sneer at a sahm. I was one for a year, then part time, now full time at the moment.

Everything is in joint names here, the house, cars, bills and we both have access. Not everyone has this set up. I’ve never been dished out pocket money by DH in my life.

I have a friend whose partner takes home a massive salary, she doesn’t work, no children and he gives her house keeping to buy food, essentials, clothes etc. She squirrels a little bit away each week, ‘secret savings’. The house and car are his. He’s already had one affair. She’s staying for the lifestyle. If he decides to ditch her, I’ve no idea where she would stand financially.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Thanks!😊🐸

It's like a single mum posted yesterday because she was fed up about default (incorrect) reactions she gets when she mentions she is a single mum.

I couldn't even imagine going on a thread about single mums and declaring they are all this, that or the other, simply because I've read some horror divorce stories from single mums on MN. It's blatantly obvious that there are single mums in all walks of life. Some financially vulnerable, others no more financially vulnerable that the next person, and others who are loaded.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps. Thankyou. Also thanks to others who can understand what I'm trying to say.

"Bitchy"?

Really? I don't think you got it.

What I see a lot is a thread where people note the general risks and vulnerabilities of being a SAHP, then a SAHM pops up to say why these don't apply to her. Posters respond saying that in that case, they're not talking about her, but she insists that they're wrong wrong wrong, because it isn't her situation.

Rather like now...

@Suzi888

I think often there is a misconception (possibly willfull misconception for some) about SAHM and “allowance” or pocket money as you put it. Many couples will have seperate accounts for what could be called “leisure” money so they don’t have to think about spending too much for the main account. Same for weekly groceries and expenses - if the SAHM is the one doing the purchasing of these then often she will be “in charge” of this account.

That doesn’t mean that a SAHM doesn’t have equal access to all money or the husband is buying himself a JetSki every month while she never buys anything for herself. It’s sometimes just easier to compartmentalise financially so that spending in one area can’t leave you underfunded without realising it in another. Because SAHM with working husbands are already in somewhat compartmentalised roles this can often happen.

It might seem strange to career women who only date men on their level who share all finances or keep them totally seperate, but to me that way of doing things seems really messy and overcompkicated.

But different strokes right?

I was a SAHM for 7 years while my little
People were small. Somethings are measured in more than just money. I know my relationship with my DH was extremely secure and I never needed to worry about things that maybe other people did in regards to being 'financially safe' it depends on the relationship. I now work only part time but I still do most/ all of the house work etc because I'm happy to.

Living off a man

Definitely not the lifestyle for me !

I don't understand how some people fall into relationships with zero control of their life, finances, decisions, no freedom of choice.
Sometimes these relationships fail & one person is totally lost about how to function as an adult & survive as a single person.

Why would anyone choose that lifestyle when there are so many opportunities ?

Well, presumably people don't actively choose to be entirely cast adrift. They make a series of choices that seem best at the time, and work out fine for many, but in this case were unfortunate.

@Wollycraft66 But it's not just that though. It's that if something happened to your partner you would, immediately, lose all income and have no immediate means to correct that. That to me is what makes them most vulnerable, and may leave them unable to leave a bad relationship. It is not a situation I would be happy to be in, personally, so I choose to work. SAHPs are not normally shy to say that working and letting other people "raise" their children is not soemthing they would be happy with, personally, so I am not sure why it is much differnet and constitutes distain of SAHPs.

Of course some SAHPs may have investments or independent savings that will buffer that risk.

I have seen sneering/ patronising comments about SAHM on this site, there is a full range of opinions!
Often it is based on concern about a SAHM being in a vulnerable financial position but sometimes it can also come across as smug and / or sneering.
I think it's a shame that mum's criticise other mums. SAHM make huge contributions to the family , being in a family, raising DC should be a team effort with everyone's contributions equally valued , however unfortunately its a sad fact the being a SAHM can leave you financially vulnerable.

Well, if taken to extremes, financial independence involves not having to earn at all. Having the resources to provide for all your needs from passive and stable financial sources.