Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

Because it's a fact that there have been lots of threads on here over the years from SAHPs (and others, if that makes it easier for you to accept, but we're talking about SAHPs) who were incorrect about their level of vulnerability. People can and do get this stuff wrong all the time. Now admittedly I do have some professional experience in this area, so it's not quite an even comparison, but that's the point really. Not everyone's assessment is equally valid.

And the idea that this is typically happening based on nothing more than the person having said they're a SAHP won't wash either. It's not like people typically post that and nothing else. It might have happened at some point, but no, this isn't a problem that needs addressing on MN.

Apart from your rather specious example of a former teacher married to a multimillionaire, who knows she’ll probably do alright if she gets divorced, I’m not sure where you’re getting all here examples of SAHMs who insist they aren’t financially vulnerable and are correct you’re referring to.

What’s far more common on MN is women who don’t think they’re vulnerable “because I know my DH would never ever cheat, he can’t stand cheaters” or “DH has always said he’d make sure me and the kids are looked after if we split up and I trust him” or “if we do split up I know I’m legally entitled to stay in the family home until the DC are 18 because that’s what happened to my friend when her marriage ended”; none of which are quite the same as a woman understanding her own situation well.

Yup. And sure there are some posters on MN who are SAHPs with significant assets of their own, there's at least one who crops up a lot talking about how it's the norm in their circle. But it's quite clear what's more common on here.

But that's skewed logic ApplesandBunions, because people generally only post on AIBU or Relationships when they are in problematic circumstances. This goes for SAHMs or women in general or who work in any capacity.

People don't post to say "Hi, just thought I'd let you know, I have an amazing husband, my kids are doing brilliantly, we are mega millionaires and I don't work. I spend my life doing exactly what I want. AIBU?"

Nobody could ever post that because they would be accused of "stealth bragging" (well not even stealth), or being "tone deaf."

But you can't possibly extrapolate what you may read on the Relationships board as a definite truth about all SAHMs everywhere. It's skewed logic. Of course not all SAHMs are financially vulnerable with hideous husbands. Those SAHMs are just not posting on Relationships or AIBU because they have nothing to ask.

@iabr

Even if perfectly happy SAHM (like me!) do post, we get told that we actually aren’t happy and we just don’t know it lol. Or that we’re vulnerable and don’t know it (because no SAHM could possibly know anything about her families finance seeing as we all git hitched up straight of daddy’s farm at 18).

Dont sweat it, as a SAHM whatever you post here will be pulled apart by the bitters. Enjoy your life and family and don’t let the bitters get you down babe.

The cohort of people posting about their circumstances on MN is exactly who we're talking about, though, so this doesn't remotely wash either.

Honestly, you had some decent points about use of language and about it being structural factors that make SAHPs vulnerable. Those are valid. Then you drag them down with obvious nonsense.

@Wollycraft66

😂

Has anyone lost a sock?

Indeed.

And OP - I work part-time, but I still earn more than my DH does working full-time! He gets more holiday than I do, though.

Or experienced their mothers being stuck in an unhappy marriage due to lack of funds to get out of it, so made sure they always earned their own money and didn't have to ask their DH if they could buy a pair of tights (or the more recent example I heard from an SAHM, an entry into a local 10k race which was about £12 at the time!). Earning my own money means I get to choose how I spend it (and the same for DH) after adding my share to the joint bill account.

@riesenrad

I spent 2 large online just the other night on clothes, I didn’t ask anyone. That’s my fuck money, as in money to do whatever the fuck I want with.

Actually since I’m a SAHM and don’t have toddlers, I might smoke a doober right now and listen to a podcast. Enjoy work!

But seriously OP and all my other SAHM out there, don’t let the bitters get you down babes!😙😗

Or a grammar checker. Or the route to nethuns.

YANBU @iabr You'll struggle to get much support on here though.

Some would regard that I live off my husband. Fortunately my husband has never made me feel like this. Any money that has come in over the last 22 years has been considered and used for joint use.

It's a weird experience on MN having strangers profess they know more about your finances and your husband then you do. A few times I've actually been told I'm ' not a real SAHM' because I'm not financially vulnerable! Wtf! What is a "real SAHM?" Its like if you don't fit into the box people on here decree for you, then you must be a troll or a liar or a man! Like it doesn't compute. Anyone who agrees with you is a 'sock puppet.' They must be.

This is very rigid thinking. Just accept that not all SAHMs are, by definition, in need of 'advice.' And that many SAHMs, contrary to the MN accepted discourse, are the antithesis of financially vulnerable. These SAHMs are just not the ones posting about marriage problems in Relationships. But they are as real as anyone else and may be on MN as well.

BUT after saying that I will soon be getting an income and this makes 'me' feel more financially secure. The knowledge that if anything happens to my husband that I would have a continuous income to look after our family. Then there's the self esteem aspect!

"Has anyone lost a sock?"

Thanks for illustrating my point.

Frankly, I think that if a small handful of well off women in financially privileged positions with supportive husbands who treat them as equals have their noses marginally put out of joint by posters making sure that the vaster majority of women often in more precarious positions give pause to think about whether their situation really is as safe as they previously thought, it’s something they can take for the greater good.

Yep.

MN as a whole failing to give due precedence to an unusual set of circumstances when addressing posters who even the OP accepts are disproportionately likely to be experiencing problems is not a problem that needs to be solved.

@iabr

Oh is that what sock means? Lol of course there must be only one happy SAHM in the world, after all were such a rare breed lol.

Let the sassy crones have their fun here, if they were so secure and happy SAHM being happy in the same way wouldn’t bother them. I actually think it’s not women who are happy working that get most upset about SAHM but those who secretly would like to do it or go part time but either can’t, or are very distrustful of their husbands.

Why would the perfectly happy career woman be pressed about the existence of a happy SAHM? She wouldn’t, only a bitter would.

You do you!🤗

That's very bitchy.

I wouldn't dream of sneering at anyone for choosing a particular way of life, but let's be realistic: if you aren't working your financial risk is greater than if you are. Perhaps my perception is coloured by the experience of three of my friends who got absolutely shafted by their cheating ex husbands - none of them worked, they all thought they were secure and they were flung into real hardship. I would ask my DDs to consider their choices very carefully if they were to come to me saying they were going to be SAHMs.

@ApplesandBunions

Oh please SAHM who are happy or very part time Mums who are “dependant” on their husbands pay who are very happy are extremely common. It’s just on MN women like to pretend SAHM are mostly in bad relationships.

Husband having enough money to support SAHM is hardly some “unusual set of circumstances”. It’s common as mud.

Are they? How do you know? Do you have access to all the employment stats for relationship breakdowns?

Personally I wouldn't feel happy being in a position of financial depedence where I was financially unable to leave a relationship I didn't want to be in. It leaves you vulenarble and potentially stuck. I have ensured I am not in that position by building my career before marriage/ kids. I now work partime and still earn more than DH, but we would both be able to cope alone, financially. Financial independence is one reason I wouldn't have considered being a SAHM.