To not want gp to have ds alone?

[FurBabyMum02]

So i dont have an issue with the in laws at all its not a trust thing, theyve been left alone with ds plenty of times while me and dh have done jobs and theyve taken him out for a walk for an hour so we can get stuff done. But since ds was born (he's 1) theyve been hinting about taking him out for the day alone or having him overnight. I just dont want them to and its getting irritating. Theyve even now sorted a carseat so they can have him with 0 indication from us that it will be happening. I chose to be a parent, i miss him while he's at nursery when I work and im still getting used to the seperation, he only started a month ago so when I'm with him at weekends I want to make the most of it. I'm not at the stage yet where I'm particularly wanting a break although I'm sure it will come.

I dont see the need for a 1 year old to have a day alone with them when we can enjoy the experience as a family (when older I get its a different experience for the child and a 'freedom' from parents usually with special treats etc). Aibu to think every other weekend visits with us is fine at this age?

It's probably relevant that their other grandson is there alot as his mums a single parent and they have him every weekend 1 night at least to give her a break so they're used to that and I guess expect it with my son aswell. They're always saying it seems ages since they saw ds and I think it's because they're in a routine with nephew. Dh and I agreed on every other week so we get family time just the 3 of us every other week aswell.

That's it though we don't want or need a break so no need for them to have him alone. Would much rather do whatever they are wanting as an extended family

YADNBU your child your choice. If you're uncomfortable that's for no one to challenge. What irks me is when they went over your head and bought a car seat. I'd personally be OK with GPs taking child out for a few hours during the day to give me a break, but no to overnights.

Seriously? My mil doesn't even get that maybe a few times a year (she does live 300 miles away) and I know for a fact if she was closer she would be happy to see her grandsons every fortnight.

Op if you're not ready for that then you're not ready, when do you have time for dh though? For yourself? I know you say you miss him but those times are also important.

You will get every response on here from yabu because mil should see dc 7 days a week, to yanbu who do they think you are!

people project what they wanted or had without seeming to recognise that other options are also ok!

really, it doesn’t have to be so black and white as people make out and things change over time. Just because you say no now, doesn’t mean you’re not able to say yes later etc. I don’t think anyone should feel pressured to be apart from their dc if they don’t want or need to be…. Like you said, there will come a time when it feels right and that should be respected.

I think YABU. I would love my in laws to want to have my DD for a few hours let alone over night. But they aren’t interested and won’t bond with her so she doesn’t even want to go to them now she’s 21 months.

I think it's entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with

I have 3 dgc, it will be 4 in oct. 2 I see eow because that's when their dad has them and the 3rd I now see every week but that's because I have her 1 day while dil works , her mum has her the other 3 days.

I think it's important for them to have family time at the weekend with them working all week . Unless they want me to visit or they want to visit me

I don't understand gp who badger to have their dgc on their own when they are still babies. Dil works 4 days, when she's off she wants to spend time with her 10 month old baby.

Oh and I have an 11 year old and 9 year old who's dad lives in Ireland and only has them some holidays , his parents live round the corner but never see them and my dm has been looking after my terminally ill grandad for years so very rarely has then so I understand wanting a break

I still understand people having a baby, working and not wanting to be apart from them when they are at home though !

Overnight is way too much at that age, unless you particularly want to.

I bet you would be less reluctant if they were less pushy.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I would just explain what you said here. That you miss him when you’re working and want to spend time with him at the weekends. He’s only 1. I was exactly the same with mine. Could you do some days out with them the odd weekend? You’ll probably find you’re keener for sleepovers if you have another kid and/or when your son is at school and the school holidays kick in.

It may not make a difference now, but long-term it will make a difference, as he'll be so used to being left with them that it won't be an issue - it will just be part of his normal routine.

I also think that you being there does change things a lot.

I can understand this, particularly when he's bigger which is why I asked on here to see if it's just me being sensitive. Genuine question though do you honestly think a 1 year old would notice though if he's alone with gp or with parent there, do u think it would make a difference to how he enjoys the day at this age?

My 4.5m old knows when I'm not there! When I have left her with my parents for literally 10mins (while I pop round to the chemist near them) she cried and screamed- this has happened twice although we haven't tried for atleast a month so actually she was more like 3m when she knew!

I will never understand this idea that grandparents have a right to unlimited access to your child. The argument that it is their grandchild is so stupid because it really doesn't mean anything. Yes, they are family but they are not the parents of the child and that is what matters.
Why do people think that they need to see them every week/multiple times a week? 🙄 People should want to spend time with their children one on one (just parents and their children) I just don't get it 🤷‍♀️
I don't see why anyone would argue that once every couple of weeks isn't enough. Surely with work, activities, relaxing time ect. that is more than enough for anyone to expect from anyone 🤔
Your baby is your baby and you should spend all the time that you want to with them. If you or they are not ready to be apart and you don't want a break then you should stick to that. No one is allowed to pressure to you to leave your child with anyone.

some family tried this shit with mine, "come here mummy needs a break" and "you need to leave him with us to get her used to being away from you".

no, I am okay, have been with 1 and 2. When they speak and want to be away from you then, that is the right time IMO

Yanbu if you don’t feel comfortable- your baby.
I have just seen though a couple of threads of older children with an urgent need for childcare and child has never been babysat before. Maybe set a date to review in your own mind in a few months (don’t tell them that) as they may not offer again if you don’t tell them it’s ok.

Op I hope you know this is absurd. Your son may not love it. Having a play date at age 5 or 6 is obviously not comparable.

Is your son in nursery 5 days a week? Could they have him one of those days and then it benefits everyone?

I think you need to stand your ground and do what suits you! She had her own children. Did she give them away once a week to her in laws even though she didn’t feel comfortable doing so? it’s great that your DH is supportive of your decision.
I feel in a similar situation to you. V pushy since my boy was born. Always asking to “help us out” but I never felt I needed help so I never asked. I feel like starting a 30 min session each week would grow legs and eventually it’d turn into longer days and sleepovers. Which I’m just not comfortable with for various reasons. So I just never got into any of that with the in laws. They come and see him whenever they like, I would never stop that from happening. Usually once or twice a month. It’s enough for all of us to be honest.

There was another very similar thread not so long ago, with everyone saying that the baby should be with its parents and the ILs should back off and accept that it was too soon. Maybe that baby was younger. Anyway, YANBU, OP. Don't be bullied. My dch x didn't stay with the ILs until they were 8 or 9.

It’s fine, he’s your son. But don’t get upset later on if they have more of a bond with nephew than your child (this issue comes up all the time on mumsnet). It wouldn’t hurt to let them take him for a few hours, soft play or swimming or something perhaps while you have lunch with DH. I have 3 and mine are so close to my parents which is amazing - if we need emergency childcare (eg I was in a car crash recently and called them to pick up my children) then I am 100% confident that my kids will be fine and won’t be upset it’s not me picking them up.

(the other grandparent is not nearly as involved and it makes me really sad now they’re growing up.)

If they were retired for example this would be a very different conversation.

But if all four of you are working full time then the weekends are SO precious for your own little family unit of 3 and there is so little down time (which you are also adjusting to). That i actually think every other weekend is plenty. And i say that as someone who had both sets of gps very involved. They don't have equal rights to that very special weekend time. I would also guard it quite fiercely.

I think if you can build up small amounts of time and then gps want to take a days annual leave and them have DS on a day you are working that might be nice for them. And you dont lose out.

They could perhaps do that on an occasional friday and as time progresses have him overnight friday until 10am Saturday morning to give you a lie in but still a full weekend together. Perhaps as DS is closer to 2 or maybe even 3 if you are still not comfortable.

Its lovely they are keen but i dont think they are seeing the reality of your lives and how little time you have with DS.

I think every other weekend is plenty and of course you don't need to leave him with them. In a year or 1.5 years things will be very different especially if you have a second child. We only see the grandparents once a month and I think that's ok for our family. I suppose it depends on how close they were to you before you had your son and whether the relationship with him is beneficial

First of all let me say I am not a militant grandparent. However, I have had my grandchildren staying overnight in a regular basis (around once a month) since they were very tiny, much younger than a year old. They come here for their evening meal and go home before lunch. I have them to give their mother a little break - it seems you dont need/want that? And, more importantly, I have them so that they know me and their grandfather really well and they feel comfortable and safe in our house. When the second was being born ( at home) the first was only three and he came to stay with us for 5 days. He did get homesick but he was not really unhappy because he knows us, he knows the routines at our house and he felt safe. He has said to me on more than one occasion that he has two homes and this is his second home. And only this morning when he had a disagreement with his mum he asked her when he could come here again. I always check with the children's parents first before inviting them to stay and I never take it for granted.... Sometimes I feel it is quite the other way around... But I am very happy that my grandchildren feel comfortable enough to ask to come and stay with us. Isn't that the sort of relationship that could benefit your child? Just a thought....

Is there room for an occasional visit? If you go there every other weekend, maybe one of those days every couple of months they could have him for the day and you could enjoy some time with your DH? Needn't even be overnight and doesn't eat into the rest of your family time.
I have wonderful memories of time spent with my grandparents

Yeah , don't agree with this at all. All my grandchildren would be happy to be here if they needed to be over night because I have a relationship with them , even if it is rarely over night they are still comfortable around me so it's fine .

A 3 year old has said its his second home? And when having a disagreement with his mum he's asking when he can go to yours again? You do realise that's because he's 3 and doing a 3 year old trying to play you off against each other ?

Agree. It's not the frequency, it's the quality of the relationship that makes a child comfortable with someone. We don't see my parents that often because of distance, but I've been really surprised by how close the children are to them. On a handful of occasions when they've had sole charge of them for the day or overnight they have always had a great time and never had any problems doing bedtime etc.