Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want gp to have ds alone?

98 replies

FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 18:59

So i dont have an issue with the in laws at all its not a trust thing, theyve been left alone with ds plenty of times while me and dh have done jobs and theyve taken him out for a walk for an hour so we can get stuff done. But since ds was born (he's 1) theyve been hinting about taking him out for the day alone or having him overnight. I just dont want them to and its getting irritating. Theyve even now sorted a carseat so they can have him with 0 indication from us that it will be happening. I chose to be a parent, i miss him while he's at nursery when I work and im still getting used to the seperation, he only started a month ago so when I'm with him at weekends I want to make the most of it. I'm not at the stage yet where I'm particularly wanting a break although I'm sure it will come.

I dont see the need for a 1 year old to have a day alone with them when we can enjoy the experience as a family (when older I get its a different experience for the child and a 'freedom' from parents usually with special treats etc). Aibu to think every other weekend visits with us is fine at this age?

It's probably relevant that their other grandson is there alot as his mums a single parent and they have him every weekend 1 night at least to give her a break so they're used to that and I guess expect it with my son aswell. They're always saying it seems ages since they saw ds and I think it's because they're in a routine with nephew. Dh and I agreed on every other week so we get family time just the 3 of us every other week aswell.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 19:29

Steakcutchipswithsteak · 11/07/2022 19:12

If her parents would be so bitter that they would punish the child by pushing him away then they're not fit to have him in the first place. What a bitter way of thinking you have. As if everything needs to be tit for tat. Where's the love in that?

OP, would you feel better about short visits alone? I have a 1.5 yo and MIL also wanted her alone. I said that I simply miss her too much if I haven't seen her for 3 hours. So now she goes to play with nan for 2 hours a week while I do the big food shop or take a long walk. It's long enough for all of us and their bond is developing nicely. It does help that my MIL 100% respects any rule that I have.

Oh and we started with 30 minutes at first so dd got used to being left with someone else. She cries when I leave but as soon as I turn the corner MIL will send a picture of her playing happily.

Show quote history

This is really interesting thank u, yes I think short bursts would suit much better and hopefully let them feel that they are getting the time alone that they apparently crave.

OP posts:
Bubblesandsqueak1 · 11/07/2022 19:31

1 is around the age I started letting ds stop 1 night a month at inlaws now he goes for a full weekend every other month and a full week in the 6 weeks his relationship with them is so close its lovely he doesn't stop out anywhere else he loves thier house he has his own room and toys clothes ect, I have no issues with that yes I missed him but its helped him grow

Léighméleabhair · 11/07/2022 19:32

I think a baby is far too young to leave overnight with grandparents but then I'm not a hands on granny.

I've never had my 9yr old grandson to stay on his own and I'm not really interested in doing so. I love him and I'm interested in him and we spend family time together but I'm not his parent.

I find grandparents who are desperate to have their DGC overnight really weird to be honest. I don't think they lead very fulfilling lives as they seem to be obsessed by what their kids are up to. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PlopPlop · 11/07/2022 19:34

Why can’t they take home out for the day when he is usually in nursery?

underneaththeash · 11/07/2022 19:35

Can they not just collect from nursery earlier one day (or have him all day) on a weekday. Then no-one misses out.

CallOnMe · 11/07/2022 19:36

YABU your son would love it but you are denying him that time just because you’ll be lonely.
I think that’s quite unfair on him.

I’d compromise and get them to have him for a couple of hours.
If you get lonely speak to a friend or come on here.

Whats going to happen when he gets friends and they want him to go on play dates?
You have to get used to not always having him around you.

SurfBox · 11/07/2022 19:37

I don't see the problem tbh, I'd love gp to take out my kids. Give me a nice break.

Original poster
FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 19:43

PlopPlop · 11/07/2022 19:34

Why can’t they take home out for the day when he is usually in nursery?

They both work full time still aswell

OP posts:
Original poster
FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 19:45

Rumplestrumpet · 11/07/2022 19:22

While you're not being unreasonable, if they live nearby then every other weekend doesn't feel like very much. Is your husband happy with this set up? Would he like them to see your son more? If not, and you don't particularly enjoy their company then fair enough. But at that age my parents saw my baby several times a week - sometimes I'd pop in for a cuppa, so not a long stay but just so the relationship with the baby could grow - and they're incredibly close now.

Fine if that doesn't suit you, just something to consider

They are close but not really close enough to pop in like this. It's about a 40min drive so usually pre arranged so we know the other party is actually in

OP posts:
Original poster
FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 19:47

CallOnMe · 11/07/2022 19:36

YABU your son would love it but you are denying him that time just because you’ll be lonely.
I think that’s quite unfair on him.

I’d compromise and get them to have him for a couple of hours.
If you get lonely speak to a friend or come on here.

Whats going to happen when he gets friends and they want him to go on play dates?
You have to get used to not always having him around you.

I can understand this, particularly when he's bigger which is why I asked on here to see if it's just me being sensitive. Genuine question though do you honestly think a 1 year old would notice though if he's alone with gp or with parent there, do u think it would make a difference to how he enjoys the day at this age?

OP posts:
imperialminty · 11/07/2022 19:48

Mamamia7962 · 11/07/2022 19:03

I find this really sad. So your in-laws only get to see their grandson every other week. YABU.

God I’m glad you’re not my mum or mother in law. How obsessive.

RedHelenB · 11/07/2022 19:48

Not just up to you , how does the baby's father feel about it?

girlfriend44 · 11/07/2022 19:50

HewasH2O · 11/07/2022 19:18

& in a few months you will be complaining that his grandparents spend more time with their other grandchildren or that they don't provide any support if you urgently need childcare.

This and also if suddenly aren't here anymore you will wish they were.

lastminutedotcom22 · 11/07/2022 19:50

My kids don't have any grandparents they've all passed away I'd love my kids to have this and they would have all loved it too - sadly never to be

imperialminty · 11/07/2022 19:53

girlfriend44 · 11/07/2022 19:50

This and also if suddenly aren't here anymore you will wish they were.

Show quote history

I hate these threads where people project onto OP - you have no idea if OP will be “moaning in a few months that grandparents won’t do childcare”, plenty of people never use grandparents as childcare. And it’s also very sad if your child doesn’t have grandparents in their lives for whatever reasons, but it doesn’t have any impact on OP. It sounds like her child sees it’s grandparents more than enough to form a lovely bond.

Original poster
FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 19:58

RedHelenB · 11/07/2022 19:48

Not just up to you , how does the baby's father feel about it?

He's so laid back he might aswell be vertical tbh. He's not really bothered either way. If it was every weekend he would think that a bit much but he wouldn't have an issue if it was 2/3 weeks in a row and then not for a weekend. We havnt ever really stipulated to them 'we will c u every other week' we just try to make sure that we are also prioritising our own family time and not always saying yes when gp ask if we are free which kind of works out every other week.

OP posts:
Thistooshallpsss · 11/07/2022 19:58

I’m a grandmother and very happy to help out but it’s been really for the benefit of the parents our grandchild is a delight but I think it’s still hard for them staying away from mum and dad. I certainly don’t feel any rights just like to hang out with family and have a fun time all of us when it suits.

Cherrysoup · 11/07/2022 19:59

He’s not their child and your circumstances are different to your sil’s. Just no.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/07/2022 20:17

Are your family around? How often do you see them?

Fivefor · 11/07/2022 20:20

Mamamia7962 · 11/07/2022 19:03

I find this really sad. So your in-laws only get to see their grandson every other week. YABU.

When would her own parents see the kid? I'd be once a month for ILs, once a month for DPs and two weekends a month th for the nuclear family with flexibility for other visits.

MsSquiz · 11/07/2022 20:20

While I don't think you are unreasonable as it's your call and whatever you feel comfortable with, I find it odd that you and/or your husband can't just say to them that you're not comfortable with that at the moment, and explain that, as you both work full time, weekend family time together as a 3 is very important to you when he's still so young.
If they still continue to push, then just ignore them or see them less as they can't respect your choices.

But, maybe they think they're trying to do a nice thing, for you and DH to have time together and they get to spend the day with their beloved grandchild. It's probably not that they're trying to ruin your family time or steal him away from you.

I also come from the point that I would love for my girls (2.5yrs and 10 weeks) to be able to spend time with the gps, but they only have FIL who just isn't comfortable or confident in looking after them alone

dolphinsarentcommon · 11/07/2022 20:22

Speaking as a grandparent you're definitely not unreasonable.

He's yours. You get to call the shots.

Leoismybae · 11/07/2022 20:22

I don't get the big deal. Surely it gives you a break. Take advantage of it. They're not crazy junkies or alcoholics so I'm sure he'll be fine with them. Wish I had pil who would take my dc for a day!

Original poster
FurBabyMum02 · 11/07/2022 20:23

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/07/2022 20:17

Are your family around? How often do you see them?

Mine live 3.5 hours away we see them for a weekend about every other month. Less in the summer as they all work longer hours so its just not worth going

OP posts:
Fivefor · 11/07/2022 20:24

"It must have been awful for you to have your child regularly taken away by your ILs, MIL. No wonder you're so desperate us separate me from our child.

What, she didn't take him away, well why in the name of all that's holy are you wanting to take mine away. You've done your parenting. Let us do ours."