MIL/ PIL and grandkids - how much involvement/ interest is appropriate without overstepping?

[ThisMuch]

Hi all, just looking forward to your take on this matter. In your experience, what is too much? What kind of behaviour from MIL/FIL justifies DIL's/ DS's annoyance or causes them to withdraw (particularly DIL)? How to offer support without appearing overbearing? This could be aplicable for the mother's parents as well in some cases, of course.

Context: GP want to spend as much time with GC and have as much involvement in DS's life as possible. This can be too much for a couple that wants independence and has different priorities. Sticky subjects are:

• Tending to children's needs during family gatherings (e.g. preparing their meal and making sure they are fed, putting them to sleep, putting sunscreen on them, changing baby's nappies). Is it OK for GP to take on some of these tasks or can that be perceived as interferring?

• Holding babies and physical affection with children. How much is too much?

• Calling to "request" family time - suggesting they visit for holidays, weekends. Organising meetings so that they also visit extended family. Visiting to take children to the park/ cinema

• Calling/ texting to check how doctor appointments/school functions/other events went

Thanks!

My in-laws do all those things, it doesn’t bother me at all. It’s never been a reflection on my parenting though, but I can understand how it may well be with other people.

Doing stuff for the kids (nappies etc) is fine by me! We would be like "oh Ds needs his nappy doing" and half make to get up, waiting for a grandparent to offer!
Physical affection is fine by me as long as the kids want it, stop when they clearly don't want it.
Arranging meet ups is fine but only offer, don't expect. They have their own life to lead and won't always be available.
Asking about meetings, events, appointments etc. Ask your son as far as I'm concerned. That does annoy me when the in laws direct all child related communication to me. Their Ds is the kids parent too, ask him how parents evening was. But they are welcome to ask him, if they know about the event, they can ask about the event

Tending to children's needs during family gatherings (e.g. preparing their meal and making sure they are fed, putting them to sleep, putting sunscreen on them, changing baby's nappies). Is it OK for GP to take on some of these tasks or can that be perceived as interferring?

• if mum is present, then I think this is overstepping the mark. It’s not up to gp to put baby down for a nap, or to feed them, etc, unless asked.

Holding babies and physical affection with children. How much is too much?

• okay, providing they don’t monopolise holding the baby. Physical affection - difficult to tell.

Calling to "request" family time - suggesting they visit for holidays, weekends. Organising meetings so that they also visit extended family. Visiting to take children to the park/ cinema

• okay to ask, and ok to parents to refuse. However, if they get demanding, or strip opt on a refusal, then they are overstepping the mark. Arranging meet-ups+without running the parents is wrong. Ie. Assume that you are always available

Calling/ texting to check how doctor appointments/school functions/other events went

• probably the only think that’s not overstepping the mark, apart from if intrusive on medical matters.

if it’s+all too much for you, then it’s too much. Boundaries need to be put in place and gp reminded who the parents are. Does the son give into their requests alot?

The only time my mother has ever offered to change a nappy across three children was loudly in front of all of her friends at her 40th wedding anniversary lunch. DH had discovered there wasn’t a baby changing table in the gents so it needed to be done by someone else, and my mum did a loud “well, that’s no problem, I can do it”.

i said no, it’s fine, and did it myself. And let it be known to a couple of those friends that it was the first and only time she’d volunteered.

grandparents are tricky.

I adored seeing my mum so happy with my dd, I was a young single mum and needed lots of help. I'm airline crew & so worked odd schedules and away overnight.
The boundaries went all over the place.
she took over,
Made me feel shit, undermined me & all the relationships are tense. My daughter & her exclude me a lot & then fall out a lot. It's horrific

My advice to new mums. Keep your boundaries close.

Christ. That sounds horrible. Sorry that things played out like that for you and your child.

Sometimes we are not in a position to stand up for ourselves and that sucks.

Aren't they? Not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes, but that would definitely hurt coming from my own mother.

Of course when a mother is bitter about their lack of interest/ involvement (and rightfully so), she wishes they were more hands-on. But trust me, when your DC becomes their sole interest in life, as another mumsnetter stated, it's easy to feel smothered. Very tricky indeed.

LoL. You have a point 😂
I was thinking about starting an account for DC actually, but thought it's too soon. This is actually a good idea, thanks!

That was just an example of an occasion when I felt my boundaries were overstepped. One of many. Sometimes it can feel like their presents are not for free, like they expect involvement in our lives in exchange. So I would rather buy my own stuff.

Absolutely agree with all of this. What you put originally SOUNDS reasonable on the surface but I have a MIL like this and it is anything but reasonable. Living 2 hours away and she thinks every 4 week visits is not enough. Any time she wants to meet up the whole extended family must attend. Picks DD up without asking her, fusses around her constantly doing everything for her, stroking her face all the time, always pushing for more time more time together it’s utterly exhausting. My advice - back off and let them take the lead entirely. They are a family unit and have their own life and priorities. Yours are very likely not the same as theirs. If you’re asking if what you’re doing is too much then it is. Give them some space and let them come to you instead of pushing for what YOU want consider what THEY might want.

Just realised the OP is not the GP so what I said in my last comment is aimed at the GPs!! 😂

@ThisMuch I think if you’re getting into a situation where your answers aren’t being listened to, that’s when you need to be more assertive. Some people push things and unless you’re clear with them they’ll continue to push. It feels rude being firm if you’re not used to it, but they’re backing you into a corner. You could say “please stop asking me that, I’ve already given you my answer”.

None of the examples are bad per se, but depends on your relationship with them pre-GC, how/how often GP do the things you mention, and how much support you want/need as new parents.

For me...

1. Happy for people to offer, but I usually decline as I prefer to tend to these things myself while baby is still young (especially feeding - I mostly BF but DC will take a bottle). I'll probably relax a little as DC grows up, but right now I want to make sure he recognises me and DP as his primary caregivers.

2. Don't mind others holding baby - I actually love seeing my baby interacting well with other people - but not if they are crying. Really annoys me when other people try and settle my baby (doesn't work), and also when people pass my baby around to others. I actually heard someone say 'I'll have a go next' to describe holding my baby this weekend🙅

3. Don't mind others suggesting plans but there should be no pressure. In terms of family visits I think it's helpful to consider the frequency of visits pre-GC. If you're a couple who saw your family every week pre-DC, then it would probably be normal to continue this post-DC. Me and DP are pretty independent, plus we live a few hours from our families, so weekly would be too much for us

4. If it was everytime I think I would find this a bit annoying, unless I had actually had a recent conversation with the person regarding the appointment.