Daughters birthday coming up WWYD?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Of course in virtually all families you celebrate a birthday with cards presents cake etc ,

Except in this case my daughter has gone no contact with us. We really really don’t know why but it escalated after Xmas when I dared to ask for a photo of our grandchildren at Xmas . That was the final straw apparently. At this point she said she wanted nothing more to do with us. We weren’t seeing them in person anyhow due to the previous deterioration in relationship but had communicated by text for a few days following Xmas a very rare occurrence in itself.

Before that , communication was sporadic, to say the least . We haven’t seen the gc for several years they are now 5 and 3 . And for nearly 2 years they sent I think a photo about 3 times with a short message. This has really affected my mental health .

Encouraged by her grandparents she did send me a birthday present ( before the after Christmas row) They were trying to act as peacemakers She admitted that inadvertently during the row , that was the case . So it wasn’t her “choice” but due to their pressure. She also sent a Mother’s Day card hand written just “from….”

To be honest these things leave me worse mentally than no contact at all , they feel like they are sent with no emotion no love , more some kind of perceived duty.

When her grandad died this year she sent a very short “sorry for your loss” text to her dad, his son. Flowers to her grandma but no call and didn’t go to the funeral. She has told us she hates her sister and now her brother too . I mention these because I am aware of the hard deal mums experiencing NC get on AIBU and I wanted you see the picture . We really don’t know why she is like this and what she thinks we have done to go NC with us.

No Father’s Day card and just a moon pig card for DH birthday recently.

We resolved some time ago to continue to mark the gc birthdays Christmas and Easter And have sent presents and cards though it does get trickier not knowing what they like . In fact we do get responses to emails from us requesting ideas from our son in law to these . No other time. Rarely do we get any thank you for things.

Even when we did have some sort of relationship, most of their replies was only when we were getting things for them. They wouldn't reply to phone calls, emails nor texts . Nothing for months on end. Too busy was their excuse.

So my dilemma. To mark a forthcoming birthday or not ( mid thirties) . A card maybe to try to keep doors open? WWYD?

Hi, I've some experience of this from the other side of the fence. I think if you want to keep doors open then send something.

Have you seen a counsellor at all to help you with this?

In all these types of threads, there's always the we don't know what we did wrong line, followed by snippets of underlying issues. I always maintain that a child will never go NC with a parent without good reason.

Maybe a heartfelt card with your feelings and wishes for mending the relationship. Wish a great birthday, ask if you could meet to take her for dinner?

Previous deterioration of the relationship? So it’s not a sudden thing.
Haven’t you asked what the issue is?

I sometimes wonder about going NC with my mum. If I did, she would have no idea why, but it would be due to me remembering awful things from my childhood that she has blocked out. She probably wants you to realise what you’ve done from your own back and make amends if that was possible.

And she’s never said why?
To any of you?
Even if her reason is unreasonable or even a complete pack of vicious lies?
Seems… unlikely.

I don’t know anyone who goes NC with anyone without reason.

i have some turbulent familial relationships and it takes a lot to go fully NC.

I think you’re being disingenuous.

Not knowing the background, I would say if you want to keep the door open then I would keep sending gifts and cards. If you don’t cate then don’t.

I know some DC can turn on patents for relatively minor issues (no parent is perfect) however your comment around the cards and gifts not being thoughtful enough scream of someone impossible to please. Could that be your daughters issue?

I was inclined to think you were completely glossing over the past when you said you have no idea why this has happened. The fact she doesn’t speak to her brother or sister is interesting and could be a clue as to reason she doesn’t want to speak to you.
I barely speak to my mother but I still talk to my siblings and am close to my sister. My issue is with out mother not with rest of family. No harm in trying to keep door open but you might have to be brutally honest with yourself when looking at the past in order to move past whatever is going on here.

I think if she's said she doesn't want you to contact her, you should respect her wishes, although I know that must be terribly difficult.

The fact that they are still accepting cards and gifts for the GC may make it more complicated.

I assume that you've previously communicated that the door is always open should she change her mind? In which case I would respect her wishes and remain out of contact now. She may then feel more inclined to reach out herself when she is ready.

As said before, if you feel you want to try and keep doors open, send something - if only a card. I wouldn't anything too sentimental in it, other than if you'd be up to seeing her sometime, just to say let me know if you'd like to meet up for coffee, meal out. The rest is up to her.

Just send the card and gift.
I wouldn't mention the no contact. No snark, no guilt trip.
Just "thinking of you, hope you have a lovely bd."

I've had family members who have fallen in and out with each other. It can happen for many different reasons. People with undiagnosed mental illness, present or past alcohol drug issues, too busy cant be bothered, any number of things.

@Crestofawave2 “your comment around the cards and gifts not being thoughtful enough scream of someone impossible to please. Could that be your daughters issue?”

Where did you read that?

Sorry, but I do not believe that a child goes NC with a parent for no reason. Simply don't believe it. And I roll my eyes even harder when the parent plays all hard done by and "no idea why".

You sound impossible to please. Picking apart every single communication, to the level of noting that she put "from" rather than "love from" in a card.

Send a card and gift if you want to. Make no mention of the no-contact because that'll just seem attention-seeking and looking for drama. Just put "Dear DD, happy birthday, hope you have a lovely day. Love from DM and DF."

Kids don't just stop talking to their family for no reason.

You must have an idea why she's doing this? If genuinely not, then ask her?

You do seem to be hinting that she’s being quite mercenary, accepting gifts and only having contact over things received - but it sometimes being ignored.

My own experience… I wanted nothing to do with my mother. But at the same time, I didn’t want to look petty, or start rows. The obvious time for her to attempt contact was “present” events - like a child’s birthday. Depending on how I was feeling about her behaviour, that either felt like an olive branch that was too little too late, or an outright manipulation. Makes you look like the unreasonable bitch to their mates, doesn’t it, rejecting a child’s birthday present, or request for idea for same. And the olive branch thing… I didn’t want one, but nor did I want to take the olive branch and smack her round the face with it! So sometimes that kindness, or manners, would win out and I’d say thank you. Other times, I just saw it as a manipulation. So given my experience, I don’t assume that accepting presents is necessarily her using you when it suits. I expect it’s far more complex.

What reasons has she given you for going nc?

Why was she cross that you asked for a photo?

I do think that you must have an idea of her reasons even if you think they're trumped up or absolute lies.

Having said that, it is possible for adult children to be abusive to their parents too - I've seen it.

My Mum has blamed me and my siblings for making her mental health worse. We were also selfish for not wanting a close relationship with her despite her awful behaviour growing up. 2 of us are NC with her although it took a long time due to FOG. FOG was the only reason I spoke to her or sent her anything. She is completely in denial about her behaviour. Perhaps the issue with her siblings could be that they are trying to guilt her into having a relationship with you? That has happened with my siblings in the past although we have a good relationship.

I would love to feel like I have a Mum but she is toxic. I never sent thoughtful cards with lovely words in them either because it would have been a lie.

Whenever someone says they don't know why someone has gone NC with them on here, people always reply and say 'Well, you must have done something wrong for them to do that.' And I'm sure in many cases that's completely true. But not always. In every story of someone going NC, there's someone who's behaving appallingly and inexplicably - but it is not always the person on the receiving end of the estrangement. Sometimes it is the person who has chosen to walk away who is the irrational/paranoid/unstable one.

OP, nobody here can judge the situation between you and your daughter but personally in your situation I would send a card wishing her a happy birthday and hoping she has a lovely day. I'd do that with no expectation of anything in return, however.

“You sound impossible to please. Picking apart every single communication, to the level of noting that she put "from" rather than "love from" in a card.”

Indeed. It’s a big deal to send a card that you don’t really want to send - that “from” is actually quite possibly a huge deal from her. My mother would go straight to attention seeking wailing at the lack of “love” instead of being pleased to receive a card.

Who knows? There's loads of humans in this world dealing with poor mental health, unforgotten hurts, emotional injuries which may or may not have happened as they perceive it.

In the end, keep your own kindness and just leave the door open. Send a card, with love. I kept trying with my dsis, and then after years we met for a coffee and agreed to not go over old ground, just meet and put it right for the next generation. There's always hope but sometimes picking at wounds keeps them from healing,

just send a card, sign it “our door is always open, love, 2bee” and leave it at that.

Yes send a heartfelt card and present.
If you want to write some sort of letter saying that you don't understand why she's gone NC with you do that separately. It wouldn't be nice to get that sort of letter on her birthday.

I wish we knew the other side of the story. I am saying this, because I limited the contact with my mum and I had my reasons. You can send a card, but don't expect much of it.

“You sound impossible to please. Picking apart every single communication, to the level of noting that she put "from" rather than "love from" in a card.”

And this is how you spot that there is much more going on. Op isn't being truthful and I'm sure the daughter has very good reason to be NC.