Daughters birthday coming up WWYD?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Of course in virtually all families you celebrate a birthday with cards presents cake etc ,

Except in this case my daughter has gone no contact with us. We really really don’t know why but it escalated after Xmas when I dared to ask for a photo of our grandchildren at Xmas . That was the final straw apparently. At this point she said she wanted nothing more to do with us. We weren’t seeing them in person anyhow due to the previous deterioration in relationship but had communicated by text for a few days following Xmas a very rare occurrence in itself.

Before that , communication was sporadic, to say the least . We haven’t seen the gc for several years they are now 5 and 3 . And for nearly 2 years they sent I think a photo about 3 times with a short message. This has really affected my mental health .

Encouraged by her grandparents she did send me a birthday present ( before the after Christmas row) They were trying to act as peacemakers She admitted that inadvertently during the row , that was the case . So it wasn’t her “choice” but due to their pressure. She also sent a Mother’s Day card hand written just “from….”

To be honest these things leave me worse mentally than no contact at all , they feel like they are sent with no emotion no love , more some kind of perceived duty.

When her grandad died this year she sent a very short “sorry for your loss” text to her dad, his son. Flowers to her grandma but no call and didn’t go to the funeral. She has told us she hates her sister and now her brother too . I mention these because I am aware of the hard deal mums experiencing NC get on AIBU and I wanted you see the picture . We really don’t know why she is like this and what she thinks we have done to go NC with us.

No Father’s Day card and just a moon pig card for DH birthday recently.

We resolved some time ago to continue to mark the gc birthdays Christmas and Easter And have sent presents and cards though it does get trickier not knowing what they like . In fact we do get responses to emails from us requesting ideas from our son in law to these . No other time. Rarely do we get any thank you for things.

Even when we did have some sort of relationship, most of their replies was only when we were getting things for them. They wouldn't reply to phone calls, emails nor texts . Nothing for months on end. Too busy was their excuse.

So my dilemma. To mark a forthcoming birthday or not ( mid thirties) . A card maybe to try to keep doors open? WWYD?

When you asked for a photo of the GC, did youi say 'Hi, could you send me a photo of GC when you get a chance?' or 'Can you send a photo of the GC because you've only sent 3 in 2 years and it's affecting my mental health'?

My adult ds lost the plot one Xmas and assaulted a small sibling. Haven't heard from him. Have still sent cards on birthday and Xmas to him and his dc. Haven't expected a response. He is free to bin should he choose.. Without instruction to stop I will continue to send.
Sorry you are in a similar situation op.
It's a hard one for non in a similar position to understand...

I think the difference is you know why he's NC. He assaulted a young sibling and will be ashamed and not want to face up to it.

Knowing him he won't care about that! He further instigated rows with other siblings until there is likely no way back now.
He had issues from when I divorced years ago. Op is your dc holding some misguided judgments against you?

I know there is a general view that no-one goes NC with a parent for no reason, but let's remember that the "reason" may well be that the family or parent are simply not reacting in the desired way to said offspring. If people with personality disorders or addictions etc. don't get what they want/hope for, then they inevitably move on to people who will tolerate their bullshit.

I don't know the full story, and without talking to both parties it's impossible to know, but I am biased because my own sister is NC, takes great delight in telling anyone who'll listen how awful her family are, never send birthday greetings/gifts etc. What she doesn't tell them is that they did for years and never got any thanks, included her in events that she inevitably made awkward at best, and tired of her lies, expectations and general unpleasantness. My Mum won't put herself up for more hurt, but I know that if my sister reached out to her now, she would not turn her away. I don't expect her to do that, but fully expect her to turn up at the funeral and play the victim, and then leave counting and probably arguing about whatever she's been left - because she'll want and apparently believe she deserves more, even when the split will be equal. Personally, I wish Mum would cut her out of her Will altogether and leave her 'share' to my nephew who has had to live with her BS his whole life, and missed out on a lot because of it. Unfortunately, that's not my call.

If you are willing to risk further hurt then why not send a card and ask if you can meet up and talk through her 'issues'. Then listen, really listen, before responding. Or maybe she could write it all down. it will hurt but at least you'll know what's going on in her head. She has a right to her feelings, but maybe she's misunderstood something you said or your intentions.

It may be time to let go, and maybe the letting go will give you both some clarity. It seems to me that you are in a phase where you're giving her the power to keep hurting you, and nobody deserves that.

If my mother had sent me a card it would have gone in the bin.
she did text me once, absolutely vile and sweary. Probably to goad and manipulate me to apologise.
She told lies about me to cover why I went NC but I’ll never regret it.

For those who express surprise at us not knowing the reason. We truly don’t and of course have asked her several times. Reached out many times .
it may be the long standing thing that I think she has disliked/ hated her sister from birth ( 10 yeas older)

This is a good point.

I know you didn't ask for opinions on the rift itself OP so don't feel like you need to respond to this, is there is a lot of drama in your relationships? Has anyone mentioned the drama triangle to you? Not the best link sorry

Personally I would send something that lets your DD know you are thinking of her without bringing more drama to the situation. I definitely would not send a gift or anything she would feel guilty refusing or discarding. Just a simple card saying that you both wish her a very happy birthday.

If you were telling her this and it had an impact on the way you treated her (I could bet on it), I must say I'm not surprised by NC policy. My mum is EXACTLY the same. She thinks she's done nothing wrong, she was good mother etc. and SHE THINKS it's something long standing, but she can't be sure (how can she know if she was such a perfect mother).

Can't children be unpleasant people? Why assume it must be the parent?

I'd send a card in your shoes, but keep it light.

I agree with PP that children don't often go NC without good reason, but the level of 'good' is up to interpretation and children of all ages can sometimes see a situation from a very skewed perspective.

And I say this from experience, having gone Nc with my mother for a year and then seeing some pieces of the puzzle I hadn't considered before which did change my judgement.

To be fair, when you get very few communications, you are going to pay attention to them and scrutinise them more than you usually would.

OP was also trying to paint an accurate picture for us - dd sent a birthday card but it was very curt etc

It is impossible for us to know whether this is warranted or not but mn usually takes posters at face value. For every neglectful or narcissistic parent (phrase overused on mn imo) there is a narcissistic young person who will never be happy with the way they are parented.

Not always. My child was always regarded as "the favourite " in my family. Actually not a favourite, but adored from the moment of birth. Lives a long way from me. Never visits, and replied to my last newsy email with "Fuck off". Has done this from time to time before and I have tried to make things right. This time I just saved the email and did not reply. However I will never be the bad one. I will send a card and money as usual. I never receive cards from them, and my husband tells me I should stop sending. They have also fallen out with their father from time to time, and their siblings. Just a very difficult person.... and still very much loved.

Am on the other side of the fence with a looming birthday. Am interested to see how my own mother navigates this. It was her birthday a few weeks back and I too grappled with what to do. In the end I sent her a small but thoughtful gift (something I knew would be ‘her’ and a simple, non gushy card. More effort than a zero effort gift voucher but not a significant gift either so I didn’t go out of my way for it.

I am almost at the point of NC with her but not quite. Deep down I want to rebuild my relationship with her so that’s why I sent something to her. I will be very interested to see how she acknowledges my birthday. If, after my token, she doesn’t send anything at all or just a card with “gift when we see you next” I will be fuming.

so my question is how did she acknowledge the last gift giving for you? Birthday/Easter/Mothers Day? Whatever she sent to you I think you should equal that as a minimum. If you want to go a step further that then that’s your choice.

Some people are self centred fuckers, and think the world revolves around them.

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned the daughter is potentially a victim of domestic abuse. Abusive partners wield control by isolating people for this loved ones and support network leading them 100% reliant on them. This is a wild suggestion, but might makes sense if OP is honest about it genuinely coming from nowhere and the fact she has now cut off from siblings.

i wrote something like “'Hi, could you send me a photo of GC when you get a chance?'”
can’t remember the exact wording but not the latter.

“My child was always regarded as "the favourite " in my family. Actually not a favourite, but adored from the moment of birth.”

definitely this too particularly from my parents who she still is very much in contact with and visits .

As someone who has HAD to go no contact with my mother at times for my own sanity I can’t help but wonder what your daughter would say happened.
have you tried understanding from her point why? I think until you try to you might find this continue

yes my mother is in complete denial and has no idea why I’m low contact with her, to normal people my childhood would be classed as abuse and neglect (even into adulthood) but my mother thinks I’m ungrateful. I have spelled it out a few times but the next day she just forgets so I’ve given up. I have my own kids, I’m so conscious of my behaviour. Both my parents think it’s me (and my sisters) that were the problem. Even to this day.

“To be fair, when you get very few communications, you are going to pay attention to them and scrutinise them more than you usually would.

OP was also trying to paint an accurate picture for us - dd sent a birthday card but it was very curt etc”

this is what I was trying to do.

Just leave her alone. She has made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with you.

And if you genuinely don't know what went wrong, then you either haven't been paying any attention or refusing to listen.

She is Ncwith us and her siblings was Nc with one set of grandparents and Lc / No with my siblings

if she wasn’t still sending cards, I would say that you should respect the NC decision and do the same. Since she has kept a small window open, I would reciprocate. Don’t mention the estrangement in any communication. Keep it very simple. A generic card with a generic birthday wish. Nothing overly sentimental. The kind of thing you could give to a co-worker or maybe even your dentist if you are one of those card obsessed people who gives cards to dentists.

For the kids, I might even start just sending generic gifts for their age or if you trust that the parents won’t take the money, just start sending a gift card or money. One fun way to do it is to send the amount of their age for birthdays. It’s a small amount so It won’t be seen as overly extravagant or buying affection. Since the amount is set by something other than you, it doesn’t give your daughter any ammunition to complain about the specific amount.

If that's the case have you considered, as a PP said, that she may be in an abusive relationship and he's trying to cut her off from family? Do you know much about him?