Daughters birthday coming up WWYD?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Of course in virtually all families you celebrate a birthday with cards presents cake etc ,

Except in this case my daughter has gone no contact with us. We really really don’t know why but it escalated after Xmas when I dared to ask for a photo of our grandchildren at Xmas . That was the final straw apparently. At this point she said she wanted nothing more to do with us. We weren’t seeing them in person anyhow due to the previous deterioration in relationship but had communicated by text for a few days following Xmas a very rare occurrence in itself.

Before that , communication was sporadic, to say the least . We haven’t seen the gc for several years they are now 5 and 3 . And for nearly 2 years they sent I think a photo about 3 times with a short message. This has really affected my mental health .

Encouraged by her grandparents she did send me a birthday present ( before the after Christmas row) They were trying to act as peacemakers She admitted that inadvertently during the row , that was the case . So it wasn’t her “choice” but due to their pressure. She also sent a Mother’s Day card hand written just “from….”

To be honest these things leave me worse mentally than no contact at all , they feel like they are sent with no emotion no love , more some kind of perceived duty.

When her grandad died this year she sent a very short “sorry for your loss” text to her dad, his son. Flowers to her grandma but no call and didn’t go to the funeral. She has told us she hates her sister and now her brother too . I mention these because I am aware of the hard deal mums experiencing NC get on AIBU and I wanted you see the picture . We really don’t know why she is like this and what she thinks we have done to go NC with us.

No Father’s Day card and just a moon pig card for DH birthday recently.

We resolved some time ago to continue to mark the gc birthdays Christmas and Easter And have sent presents and cards though it does get trickier not knowing what they like . In fact we do get responses to emails from us requesting ideas from our son in law to these . No other time. Rarely do we get any thank you for things.

Even when we did have some sort of relationship, most of their replies was only when we were getting things for them. They wouldn't reply to phone calls, emails nor texts . Nothing for months on end. Too busy was their excuse.

So my dilemma. To mark a forthcoming birthday or not ( mid thirties) . A card maybe to try to keep doors open? WWYD?

Not only would I not send a birthday present, I’d also stop sending presents to the grandkids.

I wouldn’t reward their bad behaviour.

Maybe I missed something further up the thread but if she has asked you for no contact not sure why are you thinking of contacting her?

Whatever her reasons for doing this, ignoring her request and contacting her is unlikely to make anything better.

OP is probably thinking of it because the people who have gone no contact are asking for specific presents and accepting them.

I would make an effort and send her a nice card with nice words but only if you genuinely feel like it.
There are always a reason for going NC, it can be a result of misunderstanding or lack of knowledge about something but there are always a reason. I wouldn’t say that you were to blame but there was something to trigger this. A few people mentioned abusive relationship, I would do some digging to eliminate this. Tbh I would prefer that my daughter finally realised that as a mum I was far from perfect then that she’s in abusive relationship.
By the way I think the relationship often changes when children become parents themselves. Now when my Dd is a teen I can’t fathom certain parental approaches my parents used, before I thought it’s normal family life.

This. Think of all the abuse victims who are isolated from their families - the classic red flag. My child was bullied into cutting contact with us by their spouse. Luckily over time our child found the strength to see it as is now getting divorced and is back in contact with us. It's not always the case that the parent is at fault and knows the reason but refuses to see it

The trouble is you're then punishing people who are not at fault.

OP - is your daughter the one who has the horrid partner and lives on an Irish croft?

I'm NC with my parents. I am yet to meet someone who has gone NC with their parents for no real reason.
In all honesty it's actually very very hard to maintain NC. Everyone asks me questions about my mum. Once you get to know colleagues they ask things like, does your mum do this or that, your parent friends ask, does your mum help much. It's so so hard so I doubt very much it's ever for no reason whatsoever.
I am actually ashamed I've had to go NC with my mum but I know 100% I had to.

I have no advice to you. For the first couple of years my mum sent me something. I ignored it. I then moved house and didn't leave an address. But any suggestion to me that people go NC with their parents for no reason does not sit well with me. There's always a reason, you just might not know what it is.