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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum is a total bitch?

70 replies

Namechange285 · 11/07/2022 10:52

Really just need a rant about this! I've dropped my 13 month old at nursery for her first full day this morning...obviously emotional and tough to leave her, as I've never been away from her since she was born (apart from the odd hour when I have a doctors apt or something when I've left her with DH).

I decided to start her in nursery a week before I go back to work, so I can be around if they need to call (and also so I can start cleaning the house etc, as it's become a complete shit hole since LO arrived).

Rang my parents as I was feeling a bit lonely/down and my Mum's response was 'Oh, poor little girl, having to go there such long hours....oh I'm not judging you, I just personally couldn't do it!'

Easy for her to say, when she had the luxury of working very part-time hours and stopping work when we were young, as my Dad earned good money.

She has form for this kind of behaviour (like on our wedding day when she completely ignored me for the whole day, refused to eat the food despite having her own individual menu cooked to her request and didn't even tell me I looked nice!) and I'm just starting to lose my patience with it! Grrr, just needed to get that out there!

OP posts:

Mythril · 11/07/2022 10:54

Very insensitive comment, though from what you say it sounds like she might enjoy undermining you.

BotterMon · 11/07/2022 10:56

Yes she's a complete bitch. Guess she hasn't offered FT childcare then?

Springflower86 · 11/07/2022 10:58

She sounds like a nacissistic mother. Like mine.

Summersolargirl · 11/07/2022 10:59

Yeah that’s bad, why don’t you tell her kids who attend nurseries reach their milestones faster and it widens her social circle and you’re so pleased you can give your child what she couldn’t give you?

Radiohat · 11/07/2022 10:59

Sounds like hard work to me.
Laugh it off tell her she had it easy. As for your wedding she sounds jealous ..... Keep disregarding the digs but do not take it to heart.

HarmALlama · 11/07/2022 11:00

Yep, bitch.

for you OP.

Shamoo · 11/07/2022 11:00

Well unless she’s offering to provide full time care, she’s being a total dickhead. We had to start our daughter at nursery a couple of days a week at 7 months which I hated, but no other option. She is happy there but it’s not what I would choose. Your mum is being a knob. But just try and let it wash over you as it only reflects on her, not you.

lancsgirl85 · 11/07/2022 11:01

Yep awful comment. But this is more shocking:

She has form for this kind of behaviour (like on our wedding day when she completely ignored me for the whole day,

Completely ignored her daughter on her wedding day?! Disgraceful.

Original poster

Namechange285 · 11/07/2022 11:01

Yes I think she does enjoy it, definitely seems to like picking a fight! I just find it exhausting.

Haha, no offer of childcare...to be fair, she doesn't live that close, but on the occasions she's visited she's held our daughter for about 5 minutes and then proceeded with backseat parenting/demanding we fit with her schedule (including complaining that I'd timed my daughter's 1st birthday party to fit around her naps...apparently she should be more 'flexible'!)

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 11/07/2022 11:04

Summersolargirl · 11/07/2022 10:59

Oh, do this, OP! I like @Summersolargirl's take-no-prisoners style.

abigailsnan · 11/07/2022 11:05

My heart goes out to you,your mum obviously had the advantage of not having to go to work and be a SAHM for a long time how lucky was she ?
Ignore her comments you are doing what is best for your little one she will flourish with the other children she will be playing with and come on leaps and bounds in her development is she going full time or part time ?

Reading between the lines as to this comment from her & your wedding I would suggest your mum could be jealous and wished she could have gone back to work rather than stay at home as she did even if your father was earning good money at the time.
Your little one will be fine at nursery so go back to work and enjoy your career you are a good mum x

D0lphine · 11/07/2022 11:10

How dare you earn a living to care for your child. You wicked women!

Your mother sounds like a total nob. Ignore and limit contact.

RTHJ14 · 11/07/2022 11:12

My mum was just the same… despite the fact she was lucky enough to have on tap childcare from her own parents! Now the kids are older she tells me how sorry she feels for them ‘having’ to do all these activities after school (sports, music, swimming etc)…. I’ve learned to just filter it out! Xx

Snowflakes1122 · 11/07/2022 11:13

I would keep some distance from her. She sounds toxic, disinterested and jealous. You don’t have to put up with that.

Summersolargirl · 11/07/2022 11:22

I don’t understand women like this. My friends mother was like this, I didn’t realise till one afternoon I sat and watched her put her daughter down over her weight, when actually she’d lost a lot of weight via slimming world.

I was honestly quite aghast, I looked her square in the eye and said she looks fantastic and has lost so much weight and worked hard, my friend just moved off to do something the other side of the kitchen. Her mother blustered and said “oh yes I just couldn’t see it as she wasn’t standing up, I can see it now, yes yes Joanne, you’ve lost weight, ”and was trying to justify her behaviour. I really wasn’t happy about it at all and the older woman knew it.

I honestly couldn’t and still can’t understand why someone would want to put their own child down for no reason like that. When I expressed my dismay later and how I’d had to call her out on it, a couple of others friends said Yup she’s always doing it to her. 😯

Replacethis · 11/07/2022 11:27

"Yeah that’s bad, why don’t you tell her kids who attend nurseries reach their milestones faster and it widens her social circle and you’re so pleased you can give your child what she couldn’t give you?"

Yeah, because saying something really bitchy about SAHPs would really give you the higher ground.

AnnandJane · 11/07/2022 11:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LivingLifeOnTheVeg · 11/07/2022 11:36

You should have said ‘yes, poor little girl, having such a cunt as a grandmother!’

Based on her behaviour, I would consider reducing contact with her before she damages your daughters self esteem by doing the same to her.

Hope your daughter has a good day at nursery and settles in well.

Iwonder08 · 11/07/2022 11:37

I wouldn't ignore it. Tell her exactly what you think. She needs to understand you know why she said it and it is not going to be tolerated

SleepingAgent · 11/07/2022 11:53

Yep sounds like a toxic jealous bitch.
I'd reduce contact to give her less chances to make such barbed remarks. If she says anything I'd just say you prefer to have positive people in your daughters life, not nasty ones.

Original poster

Namechange285 · 11/07/2022 11:54

Wow, thanks for so many responses everyone, you have all really cheered me up!

I know it will be a great experience for my little one, even though it's hard now, and all your kind responses have helped me keep that in mind, so thank you!
@abigailsnan She'll be going part time as I'm working 4 days a week, so I'm hoping we get a nice balance.
@Replacethis I totally didn't mean any disrespect to SAHM's as it's a very tough job looking after LO's full time. I think each family should do what works for them and their little ones will thrive!
@LivingLifeOnTheVeg your reply made me LOL very loudly, so thank you!

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 11/07/2022 11:54

Ignore it. Any other type of comment is giving her what she wants.

The one thing narcissists hate the most is to be ignored.

My mother was a SAHM, and she used to make terribly bitchy comments about my late MIL, who went back to study when exH started primary school, and started working as a teacher when he started secondary school. MIL worked really hard was very successful. My mother was forced to take a very low paid job when my father left her for OW when I was 21...she'd not worked outside the home in nearly 24 years at that point.

I used to get comments like "Oh your MIL only had one child, I had 3" and "Well your father earned more than enough to support us all, like a man should". It was so obvious that my mother was deeply jealous of MIL...and it only stopped when poor MIL died of breast cancer at 70.

I'd bet dollars to donuts that your mother is jealous of you.

EverydayIsPJday · 11/07/2022 11:59

Oh OP I had similar from my mil. She said 'oh it's a shame they're going to childcare, I personally really loved playing games with MY boys at home when they were so little, it was the best time and you will miss out on so much". I wanted to scream at her I DONT HAVE A F**KING CHOICE!!

But my mil says stuff like this alot the time. Last weekend it was 'i don't understand why you haven't you bought the boys one of those big trampolines for the garden yet, they'd really love it, and most children have them' urm...because they cost £100's of ££ and we can't afford it 😡

Seriously. Ignore her and rant away.

SadFace2 · 11/07/2022 12:10

Maybe don't call them when you are feeling low. It doesn't seem like she'll offer support, just use your problems/upsets against you.

Keep it breezy, only tell her what you want her to know.

sayanythingelse · 11/07/2022 12:10

My MIL is like this. I don't think she's a bitch in my situation but just very naive about modern day parenting for women. Both my MIL and mum had the luxury of being a SAHM/working part time hours and having a DH who could provide for them. PIL purchased their first house in the 90's for around £25k on a single salary and are baffled as to why we've struggled to save a deposit for years and are only just scraping a mortgage when both DH and I work. It's a "i'm alright jack" attitude. I managed it, so why can't you?

The wedding thing is bitchy though.

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