To think my mum is a total bitch?

[Namechange285]

Really just need a rant about this! I've dropped my 13 month old at nursery for her first full day this morning...obviously emotional and tough to leave her, as I've never been away from her since she was born (apart from the odd hour when I have a doctors apt or something when I've left her with DH).

I decided to start her in nursery a week before I go back to work, so I can be around if they need to call (and also so I can start cleaning the house etc, as it's become a complete shit hole since LO arrived).

Rang my parents as I was feeling a bit lonely/down and my Mum's response was 'Oh, poor little girl, having to go there such long hours....oh I'm not judging you, I just personally couldn't do it!'

Easy for her to say, when she had the luxury of working very part-time hours and stopping work when we were young, as my Dad earned good money.

She has form for this kind of behaviour (like on our wedding day when she completely ignored me for the whole day, refused to eat the food despite having her own individual menu cooked to her request and didn't even tell me I looked nice!) and I'm just starting to lose my patience with it! Grrr, just needed to get that out there!

Don't phone her for support any more

I find it better to ‘misunderstand’ people in this situation. So say something like ‘oh that’s fabulous you are going to look after DD for me, it will be wonderful for her spending all day with her grandma’
Just watch her backpedaling, she will soon agree nursery is a good idea.

Yeah when I was finding my 3 year old hard work my mum said ' well you didn't have to have kids '

Thanks for that

Calm down, it’s not a bitch about SAHPs. It’s a retort specifically to the OPs DM, to put her in her place and isn’t necessarily what the OP believes. Why do YOU need to take offence at that? Jeez, some people are just desperate to be offended.

So, she didn't develop her career spent that time doing childcare the way she apparently feels it should be done (opinions are divided on professional vs parents childcare so absolutely there's a difference there) but she's a bitch because she doesnt agree with you? It's not much of a "luxury" to be treated as though you're swanning around doing fuck all to be frank. And of course committing to a future life of challenging finances because of a compro.ised career. Just be clear you don't like her attitude and avoid seeing her if you don't like her opinions.

@EverydayIsPJday Surely the best place for a fuck-off huge trampoline is Grannys house??

dont phone her when your down so9nds like she enjoys making you feel worse

as for your wedding day dont know what to say really

I think you should (calmly) tell her that you can't afford to stay off work.

I also think you should say you can't afford a trampoline.

Just say it. Might make her think.

Look her in the eyes and say "we can't afford for one of us to stay home, so it's not an option".

I had similar with one of my sisters she was out of work and I was heading back to work after maternity leave. I asked her would she look after dd for us - she said no as they days I worked were days she had things planned - fair enough so I arranged a nursery.

On dds first day she called me said she had changed her mind ! I said well we’ve paid the deposit and had settling in sessions so never mind she then proceeded to cry and say ‘but she will cry and think she’s been abandoned !’ Then started to list accidents she was worried ‘might happen ‘ and things like choking etc it really upset me and she was being spiteful

My mum is the exact same OP, she can't help it...... she's just a supremely negative person. When DD1 started nursery she was very similar saying she was worried about her as she was so little/they are long days/babies need their mums. I genuinely don't think she understood that of course I was worried about that but I had to go back to work, we needed my salary to survive financially! I was also worried about DD so it just piled more anxiety onto me at a time I was feeling vulnerable.

FWIW DDs have both loved nursery after they have settled into it, it's been the making of them and they had loads of fun and were prepared well for starting Reception when it came to starting school. My mum had the luxury of being a SAHM when most people could get by on one income and to be honest....she wasn't great at it. She was stressed out, frazzled and I'd probably have been better off going to nursery myself!

I've just learned that I can't rely on my mum for emotional support. We're still in regular contact and things are actually better since I started mentally keeping her at a distance but if I want empathy, I look elsewhere.

She sounds toxic.

I was devastated when I went back to work full time when ds1 was 18 months old.

However, we had the best quality time ever. Because we were out all day, the house didnt get dirty and I could just focus on him and enjoy it.

If have gone LC or NC after the wedding to be honest. The generation above us don’t understand that to afford a house we need both parents working now and couldn’t live with one parent like they did.

Aww you poor thing, her reaction must have really upset you.

It sounds a sensible idea to settle her as nursery before you go back to work. So many mums have do this, and their babies are completely unscathed, so try not to worry.

You are doing the best you can do, no one can do more, do you have a nice friend you can call?

I have a family member just the opposite, this person used to make me feel bad that I was a sahp (I have children with sen) and I was overwhelmed enough with loads of hospital appointments,physio etc.
Not once did this person offer help, they just liked to bring people down.

Unfortunately these type of people will always find some way to make you feel like crap.

In isolation, I'd wonder if maybe her comment was more tactless than bitchy, but it's clear from your post that there are many other issues with her, so I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt! It was a rotten thing to say to you under the circumstances. I mean, it wasn't like she couldn't have just said "Oh love, I know it must be hard, I would have felt the same." There was absolutely no need to say something that was obviously going to make you feel worse.

You're clearly a brilliant mum (unlike your own mum, who appears to be crap if that's the way she carries on). Hope your daughter has a good first day and I bet you'll both adjust to the new routine really quickly. And good luck at work next week!

@Onlyforcake you're of course entitled to your opinion, although I don't think that's a very fair reflection of my post. She didn't compromise her career. I say she had the 'luxury' because she had the financial means to stop work when we were young due to my Dad's earnings. She did then later go back to work part time, as she enjoyed her job but has never committed to a life of challenging finances, in fact she lives very comfortably.

That aside though, I don't think she's a bitch for disagreeing with me, I just think it's kind of bitchy for her to kick me when I'm down by laying on the guilt on the first day I've dropped my daughter at nursery when I was hoping for a little empathy (and the bitch comment was also based on a series of other hurtful behaviour).

Appreciate your reply though and as I said to a previous PP, I certainly didn't intend any offence to SAHM's as it's a very tough and often thankless job, that's for sure. Just wanted to have a little rant to some fellow mumsnetters who might understand!

@AnnandJane
learned to say in a slightly hurt voive ''ah...don't say that''

Yes that’s a good strategy. She’s playing a silly one upsmanship game so I’d play it too. I’d probably go even more OTT though, with a very fake hurt voice “oh that’s not very nice I’m SO sad now” or something. Or if you can be bothered just go no contact.

She thinks that her age/position as (your) Mother gives her some kind of advantage in the silly power play stakes. Just show her it doesn’t.

Thanks for all your replies everyone, it's so good to hear your advice and I'm sorry to hear others have had similar family members/comments! Sounds like some tough situations.

I definitely agree there's a lack of understanding that everyone is having to make hard choices to keep afloat and also that it's a very personal decision on how to go about that! Perhaps she's forgotten what that's like! @SadFace2 @chilledbubble @whynotwhatknot @AnnandJane - I think you're all right, I'll stop calling for support and just keep it breezy in future. Definitely better to lower expectations!

I've called in to nursery and they said DD is doing great. She's had some food, a little sleep and was playing outside when I called, so am feeling much better knowing she's settled in a bit!

My mom said the same to me so I pulled her up on it. I said it was a very unhelpful comment and my dad agreed. She hasn't said it since.

My DM is like this, MIL to a much lesser extent. It's very, very common. I find a lot of middle-aged/ elderly women can be very passive aggressive towards younger women so it's not that uncommon. Ignore her, you are setting an example for your daughter that she never set for you 🌻

@MollyRover I find this too - all the older women in my life are absolutely horrid to me without exception. Maybe someone can shed some light on why that is. You would think there would be more empathy, having been there themselves.

@Squashpocket I think it would be better to ask the women in those age brackets, although they're skilled at gaslighting too so don't know if we'll get any satisfactory answer! It's definitely not all women in this age bracket, just petty and immature ones. It's certainly something I'm going to keep in mind as I get older, don't be an absolute b*tch to women of childbearing age- they have it hard enough!!