To think my mum is a total bitch?

[Namechange285]

Really just need a rant about this! I've dropped my 13 month old at nursery for her first full day this morning...obviously emotional and tough to leave her, as I've never been away from her since she was born (apart from the odd hour when I have a doctors apt or something when I've left her with DH).

I decided to start her in nursery a week before I go back to work, so I can be around if they need to call (and also so I can start cleaning the house etc, as it's become a complete shit hole since LO arrived).

Rang my parents as I was feeling a bit lonely/down and my Mum's response was 'Oh, poor little girl, having to go there such long hours....oh I'm not judging you, I just personally couldn't do it!'

Easy for her to say, when she had the luxury of working very part-time hours and stopping work when we were young, as my Dad earned good money.

She has form for this kind of behaviour (like on our wedding day when she completely ignored me for the whole day, refused to eat the food despite having her own individual menu cooked to her request and didn't even tell me I looked nice!) and I'm just starting to lose my patience with it! Grrr, just needed to get that out there!

I have family members like this too, OP. It’s always “that’s such a long day for them” with wrap around and school. I’ve resorted to either grey rocking or saying something like and they are seeing their mum work really hard to give them the best life. Neither go down well.

I absolutely agree about the jealousy..
my mother does this to me all the time.. picks arguments when I’ve invited her over for lunch.. she’s a toxic jealous bitch too and I can spot it a mile off..

My mum is similar. It runs alongside a total disconnect to her as a mother, and her as a grandmother. My DC were in nursery in various patterns of attendance from being 1 year old, and she’s said very similar things to me, like ‘oh no, I couldn’t have left you’ (at a nursery) and commenting on the long days. If I challenge these comments, no matter how calmly or conversationally, I’m being ‘touchy’ or she’ll accuse me of ‘biting her head off’ or ‘creating an argument.’

I love my mum a lot and she’s a wonderful grandmother in general BUT she has a huge blind spot to the hurt her comments can cause. She doesn’t apologise and she always acts like she’s the wounded party. Despite being quite a strict parent to me herself, I have to watch what I say about my DC; I was telling her about DS(8) recently as he’d been a total grumpy monster and had had a toddler-style meltdown about not being allowed a second piece of cake at a school event, and she acted like I was being hugely unreasonable to criticise his behaviour. She chuckled indulgently and ‘oh poor DS……he was probably tired….’ I’d have had a total bollocking if that had been me back in the day!

Not to mention set her a good example that if we want food on the table and clothes on our backs, we have to work for it!

I agree keep it breezy tell her little. My mother loves to be nasty too. Dads wage stretched wasnt he marvellous) so in other words was my husb not earning enough. Head melt. The comments are so mean op agree. Im low contact yes no answers

Her latest remark might just be insensitive, but the behaviour at your wedding is beyond the pale. I would not be ringing her for support.

Just ignore her.
She's full of b*shit saying "poor baybee" anyway...your LO will soon adapt to nursery and have a better social life than you!
Some of us have perfect mums...others don't 🤷‍♀️😉

I am really sorry your mother behaves like that. You sound lovely.

This is probably a tiny bit outing, but something just popped up on my facebook memories of my DM - in the space of ONE conversation - criticising 'us young mums' for making too much work for ourselves then going straight on to say DS's walk to primary school was far too long for him to do by himself so I should still be going to pick up and drop off (it wasn't and he was in P7 by this point).

I think they just don't have filters.

Yes, she’s bitchy.
Be prepared, there will be other people trying to make you feel guilty, and not just older women. When I went back to work after mat leave with dc in nursery, a younger colleague took every possible opportunity to have a dig. Comments like “why do people have kids when they’re just going to dump them in a nursery” and complaining about parents getting tax breaks for childcare. You just have to ignore them.
My mother was disapproving about my dc going to nursery too. They were very happy there and I stopped being bothered about all the nasty things she said.
Weddings bring out the worst in people like this because it’s your day and the attention isn’t on them, which they don’t like. My mother criticised my appearance the night before my wedding in a completely unnecessary and almost deniable way.
It’s hurtful 💐

Oh,this was my mother
every single decision I made,I got a snide comment and how ‘I didn’t do that in my day’
i remember not asking for her input over something (can’t remember what) and she told me ‘not to do it that way’ so I asked her how she’d do it and got a blank look and ‘dunno’
i then got shit from other family members for upsetting her-even though I hadn’t asked for advice in the first place!

she is a narcissist and I’m nc now

I'm sad that my daughters can't spend as much time with their children as they would like to because they have to work but I wouldn't dream of saying anything. I was in exactly the same boat when they were children. They went to a childminder and then to nursery and both loved it. I'm lucky enough to be able to help out 2 days per week though with the youngest and rather than make sarcastic comments, I have the toddler bathed ready for bed and a hot meal ready for my daughter, her husband and their teens.

Your DM is not on your side, OP. It is painful to realise this, but helps in the long run. Minimize her inputs and don't look to her for emotional support, as you will get hurt.

Yep, it’s the lm alright jack attitude. Combined with the wilful ignorance that winds me up. Whilst not realising they were indulged, in a way that most modern women aren’t

Yes I know what that feels like. You can’t believe it that these women are jealous of their own daughters!🙄

Sounds like something my mother could have said too. Easier said then done but don’t share anything remotely personal with her, especially not something as emotional as todays event. Your mother sounds selfish and might even be a narc, like mine is. They’re experts at hurting you when you’re at your most vulnerable and see even their own daughters as competition. I do not tell my mother anything now after learning this the hard way. We talk about the weather, the news, books or series and mutual acquaintances. Nothing that could potentially hurt me.

I don't think it's jealousy. It's that they can only see you in terms of the role they wrote for you. You are their daughter so they decide who you are. You are on their stage. You must reflect back to them their rosy perception of themselves. If you don't do that, that is a huge act of aggression that you are perpetrating against them.

My mother has been an absolute nightmare to me the last three years in particular since I stood up to her (and continued to stand very firm in my interpretation of events ). but she 100% feels like the victim of me. All I 'did' was tell her that she hurt me. She is so lovely to everybody except me. I get treated like shit and told I'm mad.

Just re-reading this thread (for some moral support!) and saw there were some more replies. Thanks everyone, it really helps to hear your stories, but sorry for those who have experienced the same!

To update, my daughter has been at nursery for 6 months now and absolutely loves it. She talks about her little friends and is really attached to her keyworker, which is great.

No improvement on the Mum front but that was to be expected. Have been trying to keep things low contact and not ask for emotional support, although today I dared to disagree with her about something and was told 'I'm older than you, I've been in this world longer, so I know best' (despite the fact I'm nearly 40 )

Yes op not nice. Mine is nasty too oh your dad wages covered everything. Sure its not comparing like for like now with costs now. Im past creche stage but look she will always comment. Elderly have no filters lol.

Op dont tell her too much. Im yes no replies now. So she cant comment