Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU not wanting my girls dad to have them overnight for 5 days straight.

71 replies

cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:46

I am not sure where to turn with this and am hoping someone can help me.

My Ex and girls father, whom does not really speak to me anymore after I broke our relationship up after almost 9 years due to my own health and feeling like I had 3 kids and not 2 girls and a partner because he had no interaction with the girls through fault of his own. Wants to now have the girls in August (6 weeks holidays) for 5/6 days 10th to 15th Aug over night at his parents home where he lives.
Points to know
He chose to move out of the area and back to his mothers 140 miles away from where we all lived.
He only has the girls once a month usually for about 5 or 6 hours that day. (during covid he didn't see them for a good few months due to lockdowns and area differences)

We agreed for him to skype/video call the girls every Monday and Friday but when its not convenient for him he chooses not to call until the following set day for reasons of he is busy.. I only change this arrangement when the girls are invited to friends houses and or parties etc, but I always try to offer another day if that's the case.
He wont give me any information on how much he earns or anything regarding child maintenance and see's fit to just give me the minimum total he needs to pay me.
he doesn't and wont help financially towards anything the kids need for extra curricular activities eg my eldest went to Arthog and I asked if he could help pay towards it so I didn't have to get it cheaper than other families he didn't want to help me without receipts. It's never about the kids its about me he doesn't want to help but is too selfish to see by doing that the kids can potentially loose out.
I have a new partner now and am expecting a baby in October which he knows about
Our daughters are 10 and 4 the 10 year old isn't bothered about going and don't really want to. The 4 year old has behaviour difficulties and is over stimulated 90% of the time and is starting Primary School in September which is a massive thing for her. I am worried the routine changes will effect her negatively again this time.
When the girls last stayed with him for a week the youngest didn't poo for 5 days which he didn't even seem to think was a problem and ended up being 7 days to poo once home and it was up to me to deal with the aftermath and she is now still to this day having to need medicine to help with her bowels which was over 2 years ago pre covid times.
She also suffers night terrors some nights and I have to be up till all hours

He does not understand the full amount I do for these girls on my own every day but thinks its ok to pick and choose when its ok for him to have them.
Oo hopefully you have managed to read to the end here and can help me or know where I can get help about this and or if you think I am wrong or being unreasonable in not wanting the girls to stay over so far away from home for this amount of time in a unfamiliar place without me which they never do. which also is 5/6 weeks from my due date also.
Sorry for the long post I just don't know what to do anymore its so upsetting for me and I really don't need the stress being almost 7 months pregnant x

OP posts:

Fenella123 · 11/07/2022 16:05

Put in a CMS claim.
Suggest the contact you think is safe. Tell him you will be happy to review things if that contact (e.g. 1 or 2 overnights with his parents) goes well.
Otherwise "Sorry, I don't think that's best for the girls".
And if he says, "I'll take you to court!"
Then tell him he must do what he thinks is right...

Azandme · 11/07/2022 16:06

To put some perspective on this my ten year old will be spending 3 full weeks with her dad over the summer, 2 consecutive, then 1 a couple of weeks later. I have her the other three weeks.

Five nights is not unreasonable. He's their dad! I think you're letting your feelings cloud the facts.

If he did go to court chances are he'd get every other weekend, and half of all holidays.

Holidaydreamingagain · 11/07/2022 16:27

He doesn't sound like father of the century by any means but he does keep regular contact with them albeit less than he should. your role as their mother is to make their decisions for them and to encourage the relationship. your 10 year old won't say she wants to go, partly because she probably can't be bothered (and why should she) but more importantly consciously or unconsciously she'll know that you don't want her to. Your role is to tell he she's going. If there's no abuse and no safeguarding risk them both your girls spending time with their dad and THEIR GRANDPARENTS is a no brainer.

chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 16:47

Your new partner is completely irrelevant in this BTW.

TheCrowening · 11/07/2022 17:07

You only ended the relationship two years ago and yet your children already see your new partner as “main dad” and your youngest calls him daddy?

MarshaMelrose · 11/07/2022 17:24

I think YABU. You once told your ex that told him it's not about his needs it's the kids. But it comes across to me that you're making decisions based on your needs and the rancour that you hold towards him. Regardless of who suggested it, it's good that he spends more time with his daughters to develop a relationship with them.

Catsdrool · 11/07/2022 17:48

Doesn’t sound like it’s the dad who wants to play happy families here - you’ve shacked up with your new bloke pretty quick havent you op. Guess the kids real dad is quite an inconvenience

dottiedodah · 12/07/2022 12:01

Will he agree to a couple of nights ? I think the problem is the younger one needing the toilet and being 5 days with no poo . Night terrors are difficult to deal with too.If he hasnt had them ON then it will be quite difficult for them .Stress can cause Constipation in young children .CMS would be worth contacting I think as he will have to pay then on a schedule not when he wants to!

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2022 12:13

I’d put on a CMS claim.

they may be slow, but I bet he’s been underpaying you child maintenance.

I’d then give him three chances to pay you on time and if he fails ask CMS to collect it from him directly.

this also means he cannot demand receipts and any other crap and has to pay regardless.

Rainbowshit · 12/07/2022 12:23

YABU

He's their dad, you shouldn't be blocking contact with him. However perhaps start with a couple of nights and build up.

That they call your new bloke dad is irrelevant, he's not their dad, they have one that wants contact.

Kids are also not pay per view.

SurpriseSurprise · 12/07/2022 12:41

Could he be hurt that his youngest is calling your new partner Daddy. It must be a kick in the teeth for him

I’d let them go. Be the bigger person

liveforsummer · 12/07/2022 12:53

Make it 3 nights this time, if it goes well he could have 5 the next. He sounds rather useless but his parents will be there too. If you're unhappy with the maintenance provision then contact CMS but it can be just as stressful chasing them as it is chasing a stalling ex partner so worth thinking through if its worth it. I get it's convenient for you for your new partner to be 'dad' but in reality he's not and it's better to keep that boundary with the dc seeing he is still on the scene albeit not as often as he should be. It's fine to break routine for a few days in the summer holidays, don't you have holidays or late nights, days out etc?

liveforsummer · 12/07/2022 12:55

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2022 12:13

I’d put on a CMS claim.

they may be slow, but I bet he’s been underpaying you child maintenance.

I’d then give him three chances to pay you on time and if he fails ask CMS to collect it from him directly.

this also means he cannot demand receipts and any other crap and has to pay regardless.

HA! Not how CMS works unfortunately. I was 18 months down the line before they even considered that

kierenthecommunity · 12/07/2022 13:05

Have you a reasonable relationship with his mum? Are they semi decent grandparents?

I used to go and see my GPs every year from probably about age 8? I used to stay about a week as it was 200 miles away - it’s a long way for an adult to drive and boring for kids, so it made sense to make the most of it and stay longer then a fortnight

If they are anything like my GPs I used to have a ball. We did day trips and I generally got spoilt rotten.

I think it’s time to encourage him to step up a bit too. 5 days during a six week break isn’t a massive ask.

kierenthecommunity · 12/07/2022 13:07

And while I appreciate the issue with routine for the youngest, I can’t see a mid August break having a massive effect on her school start which is presumably early to mid September? If he wanted them the last week of the hols, maybe

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2022 13:38

liveforsummer · 12/07/2022 12:55

HA! Not how CMS works unfortunately. I was 18 months down the line before they even considered that

Show quote history

Yes it is how CMS works. I’ve been using them for years (much to ex’s chagrin).

yes the collect request takes time to action but it was sorted within three months and I was given all the back pay owed within that time span.

so if the ExH on this scenario works for a company raise a CMS claim, they tell you it takes three months before you’ll receive first payment, once it’s set up you’ll get the payment back dated from when you’ve raised your claim.

first they let the NRP pay you directly then if that doesn’t happen call CMS each time giving ex a week to be late each time as they give a weeks leeway. CMS suggested themselves they should collect the money directly from ex as he docked about so much, he even tried to tell them I’d agreed to keep it as him paying by directly. I told CMS I hadn’t and they applied for an attachment of earnings on his salary and collect it from his employer.

namechange30455 · 12/07/2022 13:47

I think it is extremely unreasonable of you to allow your DC to call your new partner (who you've not been with long and are already heavily pregnant?) "Daddy" while simultaneously trying to deny your ex involvement with the DC. I actually find that quite shocking tbh.

Why don't you send them for say 2 x 3 nights if you're uncomfortable with 5?

Iwannabewherethepeopleare · 12/07/2022 13:52

They should not be calling the other guy dad. While he doesn’t sound like father of the year, you shouldn’t be encouraging them to phase out their real dad for your boyfriend of under 2 years.

liveforsummer · 12/07/2022 13:52

yes the collect request takes time to action but it was sorted within three months and I was given all the back pay owed within that time span.

That's because your exp chose to pay the collect request- if they choose not to good luck with that! Once it gets to seduction of earnings stage (usually about 7 months) they just demands mandatory consideration and then the process is back to square one another 7 months down the line oh my circumstances changed I need another mandatory reconsideration, back to square one then oh the arrears are unrealistic let's just wipe them. Then when it's finally all in place ready for first payment they leave the job. Back to the very first step again. CMS only 'works like that' if they agree to pay. My experience is far from unusual unfortunately

frazzledasarock · 12/07/2022 14:10

No he chose to ignore CMS they have an attachment of earnings order on his salary.

it took three months less actually for the money to start coming through to me and it was backdated.

kierenthecommunity · 12/07/2022 14:15

(My earlier post should have said weekend not fortnight)

Flip

1 2 3