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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting my girls dad to have them overnight for 5 days straight.

71 replies

cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:46

I am not sure where to turn with this and am hoping someone can help me.

My Ex and girls father, whom does not really speak to me anymore after I broke our relationship up after almost 9 years due to my own health and feeling like I had 3 kids and not 2 girls and a partner because he had no interaction with the girls through fault of his own. Wants to now have the girls in August (6 weeks holidays) for 5/6 days 10th to 15th Aug over night at his parents home where he lives.
Points to know
He chose to move out of the area and back to his mothers 140 miles away from where we all lived.
He only has the girls once a month usually for about 5 or 6 hours that day. (during covid he didn't see them for a good few months due to lockdowns and area differences)

We agreed for him to skype/video call the girls every Monday and Friday but when its not convenient for him he chooses not to call until the following set day for reasons of he is busy.. I only change this arrangement when the girls are invited to friends houses and or parties etc, but I always try to offer another day if that's the case.
He wont give me any information on how much he earns or anything regarding child maintenance and see's fit to just give me the minimum total he needs to pay me.
he doesn't and wont help financially towards anything the kids need for extra curricular activities eg my eldest went to Arthog and I asked if he could help pay towards it so I didn't have to get it cheaper than other families he didn't want to help me without receipts. It's never about the kids its about me he doesn't want to help but is too selfish to see by doing that the kids can potentially loose out.
I have a new partner now and am expecting a baby in October which he knows about
Our daughters are 10 and 4 the 10 year old isn't bothered about going and don't really want to. The 4 year old has behaviour difficulties and is over stimulated 90% of the time and is starting Primary School in September which is a massive thing for her. I am worried the routine changes will effect her negatively again this time.
When the girls last stayed with him for a week the youngest didn't poo for 5 days which he didn't even seem to think was a problem and ended up being 7 days to poo once home and it was up to me to deal with the aftermath and she is now still to this day having to need medicine to help with her bowels which was over 2 years ago pre covid times.
She also suffers night terrors some nights and I have to be up till all hours

He does not understand the full amount I do for these girls on my own every day but thinks its ok to pick and choose when its ok for him to have them.
Oo hopefully you have managed to read to the end here and can help me or know where I can get help about this and or if you think I am wrong or being unreasonable in not wanting the girls to stay over so far away from home for this amount of time in a unfamiliar place without me which they never do. which also is 5/6 weeks from my due date also.
Sorry for the long post I just don't know what to do anymore its so upsetting for me and I really don't need the stress being almost 7 months pregnant x

OP posts:
NewYorkLassie · 10/07/2022 21:49

Sounds like a great opportunity for them to spend some time with their Dad and for him to learn how to parent properly. But if you’re not ok with that length of time suggest something shorter.

Discovereads · 10/07/2022 21:51

You can say no. I would. He’d have to get a court order if he wanted to overrule you. But he probably wouldn’t as it would come out that he doesn’t pay CMS and the medical impact the last visit had. The 10yr olds wishes would be a factor as well. So, I’d say no, not happening.

BigYellowElephant · 10/07/2022 21:52

Absolutely not! I would just say no. Maybe 2 nights if he's absolutely determined and the kids are keen but certainly no more than that

chilledbubble · 10/07/2022 21:52

I echo @NewYorkLassie. Suggest a shorter length of time. Say you are happy to build up contact, he could start by having them for 2 days every other weekend?

Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:54

It's really difficult I don't want to stop them spending time with him or him having them, its just he really don't think about the girls at all he just wants to do what he wants to do when it suits and it really makes me cross after everything I sacrifice for them because I'm their mother and that's what we do but he carries on like he has no responsibilities till he wants them. I really would like the break but I don't want the break at the expense of them being upset and wanting to come home. He don't talk to me or does he even care if they talk to me when they are there like some kind of punishment to me for everything that happened. Thank you for your reply <3

OP posts:
chilledbubble · 10/07/2022 21:54

Try to detach the two issues, contact and maintenance.

And as for he didn't want to help me without receipts seems fair enough to be honest. My DH and his ex are always sending each other receipts, just keeps it transparent.

letsplanaholiday · 10/07/2022 21:54

Sorry but YABU. Yes he sounds shit. But he's their dad and should be able to have his kids if there are no abuse issues or safety issues. I assume he'll have the help of his mother, their grandmother. 5 nights isn't that long. He won't get better if he's not given the opportunity to make their relationship better. 10 yr old says not bothered but if she's never done it before how does she know?
You ended the relationship and he moved a long distance away to live with his mum. Not something most men would choose to do. There will be a reason he's gone back there. He clearly needed her support.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 10/07/2022 21:55

I’d let the 10 year old choose whether she wanted to go, and definitely not for your four year old.

Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:56

He won't have them every other week @chilledbubble he only comes to have them for 5 hours once a month then expects them to stay with him for a whole week overnight messing up their routines. He lives 140 ish miles away now

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 10/07/2022 21:57

Get order on maintenance ( whatever it’s callled), you deserve that

chilledbubble · 10/07/2022 21:58

cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:56

He won't have them every other week @chilledbubble he only comes to have them for 5 hours once a month then expects them to stay with him for a whole week overnight messing up their routines. He lives 140 ish miles away now

Exactly i think he is expecting too much of them so I think being positive about it but saying I think it's in the kids best interest to build contact up gradually so either every other week for the weekend, or he could have them say 3 days to start with in the holidays? I think leaping to 5 days from 5 hours a month is too much for the kids.

Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:59

@letsplanaholiday "10 yr old says not bothered but if she's never done it before how does she know?" she has 2 years ago and she was separated from her sister at night and was upset when she got home :(

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 22:03

@chilledbubble me too, I just want the girls to be happy. I will send a message to suggest a shorter time or maybe him staying somewhere closer to here with his parents as they will be supporting him with the girls 100% he has no idea at all never did anything for them. Thank you <3

OP posts:
SherbertLemonDrop · 10/07/2022 22:05

Yabu it's good he's now wanting to have them more. Lots of people have to go back to parents homes after relationship breakdowns it's just a shame they are so far away. I'm sure they will have a lovely time. You can't blame him for your daughters 2 year bowel problem that's ridiculous.

Oioicaptain · 10/07/2022 22:06

His parents ( their grandparents will be there too). I would suggest a two day visit first followed by a four day visit later on. The main concern is making sure that the four year old is ok. Presumably though they know him well as you were together for nine years and he still skypes relatively frequently. If you refuse flat out, the chances are that you could end up in a stressful custody battle.

Testina · 10/07/2022 22:08

He lives 140 miles away, but he’s consistent in coming for the once a month 5 hour visitation, right? And has regular video calls, even if some are cancelled by both of you?
Lots of families would happily send children for a grandparent visit with that frequency of contact. I don’t see any reason based on that alone to say no.
They don’t have to have frequent overnight contact, to be able to enjoy an annual holiday with him.

Don’t get me wrong - he sounds like a total waste of space who doesn’t appreciate the privilege that is parenthood. But I think you’re adding barriers that aren’t there, as well as worrying about the real ones. It comes through equally strongly that you don’t feel he deserves the visit, as it being potentially unsettling for the girls.

I don’t understand the CMS comment. You said he won’t say what he earns, but then he says he gives the minimum that he should. So how has that been decided, and why haven’t you just opened a CMS claim to have his income checked?

twoandcooplease · 10/07/2022 22:16

If he's doing the travelling maybe you could suggest a couple of nights a couple of times as long as the first sleepover goes well and the girls are okay?

I do think 5/6 days away from mum is too long. And especially considering the last experience

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/07/2022 22:22

Whatever you decide to do, best to put in a CMS claim. That way at least he will be paying the legal minimum to support his kids .

Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 22:23

@Testina "I don’t understand the CMS comment. You said he won’t say what he earns, but then he says he gives the minimum that he should. So how has that been decided, and why haven’t you just opened a CMS claim to have his income checked?"

He decided how much to pay me each month from the calculator online and I have never wanted to make it hard for him with this payment so didn't open a CMS claim as I believed we could come to an agreement without intervention and him having to pay extra in the long run. I wanted to keep it fair but he controls when he pays and when I get it. Perhaps I should open one but I really would rather just not have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 22:26

@Oioicaptain that's exactly what I don't want to happen and why I have never stopped him from having them. Its just so hard and I am so torn on letting them just go and then feeling mum guilt when I know they will want to be home after a couple of days :(

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 10/07/2022 22:39

If he us ck trolli g when he pays then I would definitely put in a claim. If he is paying what he should at regular times then it will maje no difference to him :)

However, pound to a penny that he isn't paying what he should...

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/07/2022 22:40

*If he is controlling.... that should say!

Testina · 10/07/2022 22:40

Your follow up post still doesn’t explain why you haven’t gone through CMS.

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/07/2022 22:44

... and going CMS route doesn't "make it hard for him". He will be simply told what he should be paying and when, and he sets up standing order accordingly. How hard is that?

However if he messes around then you can have CMS arrange to deduct it from his wages and they will charge him 20%. That will be harder - but that's his choice. 😀

Starlightstarbright1 · 10/07/2022 22:52

The cms will make it easier..

His earnings are checked yearly..i would not be sending receipts.. but you will only get the minimum but at least you will know where you stand. It doesn't cost him more if he pays .