Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting my girls dad to have them overnight for 5 days straight.

71 replies

cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 21:46

I am not sure where to turn with this and am hoping someone can help me.

My Ex and girls father, whom does not really speak to me anymore after I broke our relationship up after almost 9 years due to my own health and feeling like I had 3 kids and not 2 girls and a partner because he had no interaction with the girls through fault of his own. Wants to now have the girls in August (6 weeks holidays) for 5/6 days 10th to 15th Aug over night at his parents home where he lives.
Points to know
He chose to move out of the area and back to his mothers 140 miles away from where we all lived.
He only has the girls once a month usually for about 5 or 6 hours that day. (during covid he didn't see them for a good few months due to lockdowns and area differences)

We agreed for him to skype/video call the girls every Monday and Friday but when its not convenient for him he chooses not to call until the following set day for reasons of he is busy.. I only change this arrangement when the girls are invited to friends houses and or parties etc, but I always try to offer another day if that's the case.
He wont give me any information on how much he earns or anything regarding child maintenance and see's fit to just give me the minimum total he needs to pay me.
he doesn't and wont help financially towards anything the kids need for extra curricular activities eg my eldest went to Arthog and I asked if he could help pay towards it so I didn't have to get it cheaper than other families he didn't want to help me without receipts. It's never about the kids its about me he doesn't want to help but is too selfish to see by doing that the kids can potentially loose out.
I have a new partner now and am expecting a baby in October which he knows about
Our daughters are 10 and 4 the 10 year old isn't bothered about going and don't really want to. The 4 year old has behaviour difficulties and is over stimulated 90% of the time and is starting Primary School in September which is a massive thing for her. I am worried the routine changes will effect her negatively again this time.
When the girls last stayed with him for a week the youngest didn't poo for 5 days which he didn't even seem to think was a problem and ended up being 7 days to poo once home and it was up to me to deal with the aftermath and she is now still to this day having to need medicine to help with her bowels which was over 2 years ago pre covid times.
She also suffers night terrors some nights and I have to be up till all hours

He does not understand the full amount I do for these girls on my own every day but thinks its ok to pick and choose when its ok for him to have them.
Oo hopefully you have managed to read to the end here and can help me or know where I can get help about this and or if you think I am wrong or being unreasonable in not wanting the girls to stay over so far away from home for this amount of time in a unfamiliar place without me which they never do. which also is 5/6 weeks from my due date also.
Sorry for the long post I just don't know what to do anymore its so upsetting for me and I really don't need the stress being almost 7 months pregnant x

OP posts:
ThePumpkinPatch · 10/07/2022 23:03

Nsky62 · 10/07/2022 21:57

Get order on maintenance ( whatever it’s callled), you deserve that

Order on maintenance? Yeah that's not a thing. You have to go through the CMS and they are chronically shit and excruciatingly slow! Especially if the father does not cooperate. You're extremely fortunate if you receive anything at all via the CMS! The courts don't get involved with maintenance except in some divorce situations

HollowTalk · 10/07/2022 23:14

It's not in the girls' interests to spend five days with him when they are only used to spending a few hours with him. The fact he didn't care about his own child going to the toilet is absolutely horrific. I would suggest that he comes and stays over nearby and takes them out for two days on the run, with them staying with you overnight.

Murdoch1949 · 11/07/2022 00:10

Say no. Suggest 2 days 1 night maximum. If he wants to have them for a week work towards it with one weekend a month. It's a big thing to go from 5 hours to 5 days.

Polichinelle · 11/07/2022 08:41

I would let them go. Your 10 year old is probably doing residential trips with school by now, and I really don't think 5 days is too much.

The little one will miss you, even if it's just one day, but she'll have her sister there for support.

I think the children need to build up a relationship with their father and you are not making it easy because you are projecting your anxieties. The bowel issue you need to speak to the father and ask him to keep an eye on it. He doesn't seem to have done any childcare in the past, so he missed the fact that you keep an eye on kid's toileting habits. Understandable when you've never done any parenting

CJsGoldfish · 11/07/2022 08:50

I’d let the 10 year old choose whether she wanted to go, and definitely not for your four year old
The 10 year old will absolutely realise the OP doesn't want this visit to happen and will do and say whatever she thinks OP wants to hear. Situations like this are so shit because they usually don't consider the impact on the children who take their cues from us. In this case, OP

Plinkyplankyplonk · 11/07/2022 08:54

None of those reasons are enough to say no. Its your own issues with him clouding your judgement. Let them go.

hedgehoglurker · 11/07/2022 09:01

Have to agree with the majority here that YABU. From what you've written, the visit sounds perfectly reasonable and should go ahead.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/07/2022 09:12

Your children have a right to a relationship with their father. It's a perfectly reasonable proposal.

5foot5 · 11/07/2022 09:14

It's not just a visit with their Dad though, is it? It's a visit to their GPS. My DD was happily spending that length of time at her GPs at 10. Admittedly at 4 it was shorter stays but she didn't have a big sister there. Maybe the push for a five day stay has come from the GPS who would really like to spend time with them

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 11/07/2022 09:16

Mine don't even want one overnight with their dad, who sees them about once a fortnight. Not that he's really ever asked more than the once, and the eldest did do it, but isn't interested in doing it again.

I am already the bad guy for every other instance in their life that needs it. I'm not going to force them. If he wants them to stay, he needs to persuade them - I'm not going to sour my relationship with them for him, when he has the ability, if he puts in the effort, to make them enthusiastic to see him instead of not bothered as they are now. (They were more excited to go and visit grandparents than him)

T.he kids need to know that one parent at least always has their back in my opinion.

dworky · 11/07/2022 09:29

NewYorkLassie · 10/07/2022 21:49

Sounds like a great opportunity for them to spend some time with their Dad and for him to learn how to parent properly. But if you’re not ok with that length of time suggest something shorter.

Except his mum will be doing it, most likely.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/07/2022 09:35

No, he has no idea of their wants needs or routine.

2 days maximum.

Is his family helpful?

Thereisnolight · 11/07/2022 09:37

Let them stay with him. Stop projecting your own issues on to your children and blocking their relationship with their dad. Not nice behaviour!

Polichinelle · 11/07/2022 10:12

If you keep on blocking their relationship, this will end up in court and that will bring you much more stress. You are making things difficult for yourself

chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 10:22

cherrybakewell82 · 10/07/2022 22:23

@Testina "I don’t understand the CMS comment. You said he won’t say what he earns, but then he says he gives the minimum that he should. So how has that been decided, and why haven’t you just opened a CMS claim to have his income checked?"

He decided how much to pay me each month from the calculator online and I have never wanted to make it hard for him with this payment so didn't open a CMS claim as I believed we could come to an agreement without intervention and him having to pay extra in the long run. I wanted to keep it fair but he controls when he pays and when I get it. Perhaps I should open one but I really would rather just not have to.

It won't make it hard. The CMS can work out an amount and he can pay you directly still. The only difference is the CMS know about the arrangement and if he fails to pay that's when you can consider collect and pay (I think this should be the last resort as you don't get as much). You don't get a choice when you have to pay to feed the children so he shouldn't get a choice over when he pays you maintenance. Please get what your children are entititled to.

sueelleker · 11/07/2022 10:40

Has he got a new GF and wants to play happy families? Or is he expecting his mother to look after the girls?

Thereisnolight · 11/07/2022 10:56

sueelleker · 11/07/2022 10:40

Has he got a new GF and wants to play happy families? Or is he expecting his mother to look after the girls?

So what if he expects his mother to help? She is their grandmother and would probably love to see them. This attitude is so horrible and sad for the children.

Thereisnolight · 11/07/2022 10:57

In your shoes I would sort out the finances properly though.

Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 11/07/2022 15:24

@sueelleker i have no idea if he has gf or not but its mainly his parents that have probably forced this/wanted it. they always wanted us to travel in the summer to their house when we were together which when they were younger was a nightmare in a car for 3 hours -.- the kids dont care as they dont see him as main dad i have a new partner that my youngest calls daddy and my eldest asked him to run the dad race at sports day last week cause her real dad never did it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrybakewell82 · 11/07/2022 15:31

the problems are he expects me to chase him for his contact with his own kids and that im not doing. I am the worst person in the world for ending the relationship 2 years ago and he still cant look at me so he collects them from my own parents not me or my house. i had to call police to him when we broke up as him and his mother and father came to take out girls he then brought them back and started ordering what he needed to happen to pay me maintenance. i told him its not about his needs its the kids so him demanding that they spend x y z and a b c with him after him not even being a part of their life at this point and demanding he takes every phone in the house used or not with him along with a tv from the girls room the bed he wanted that didnt take cause a king bed isnt going to fit in a nissan note.... and other stuff in front of them which ended up with the police being called and me letting him take stuff to just get rid of him. All he cares about if the gym and running evens he didnt call her cause he was at the gym and told my 10 year old oh i forgot i was at the gym.. great nice one centurion!!

OP posts:
Testina · 11/07/2022 15:37

It’s lovely that your 10yo likes your boyfriend enough to want him to run a sports day race. That’s got nothing to do with contact with her own father though.

Ponderingwindow · 11/07/2022 15:38

He should work his way up to 5 nights. I would start with 1. If that goes ok, then he can establish a regular pattern of short visits. Eventually 5 nights will feel natural and comfortable for everyone.

Testina · 11/07/2022 15:42

And I get you, he’s not father of the year and he’s been an arsehole. But it’s not fair to say he cares about nothing but the gym if he has done the once a month 5 hour contact consistently for 2 years. That’s a pitiful amount of course - even from 140 miles away. But if he’s been consistent then it’s not a reason to deny a holiday contact. Sure, make it a weekend not 5 nights. But I don’t think it’s right to block it completely, and frankly I can’t see a court saying otherwise.

Just sort out the maintenance!

chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 15:43

sueelleker · 11/07/2022 10:40

Has he got a new GF and wants to play happy families? Or is he expecting his mother to look after the girls?

As in their grandmother?! Whats wrong with that? Some of these posts seem determined to write dad and his family out the picture

Crunchingleaf · 11/07/2022 15:48

He needs to learn to walk before he can run. So if he wants them that long he should be reliable in his contact with them and go from a couple hours a month to an overnight or two in the month. He is an adult and so OP shouldn’t have to hold his hand and encourage the contact. It should come from him. Additionally, a parent should be picking up on a child not going to the loo as a constipated child is very uncomfortable with it. Younger kids can’t always tell you what is wrong so it’s your duty as a parent to be clued into them.