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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you continue this relationship?

53 replies

Lagunaa · 10/07/2022 15:35

My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. It has been quite an intense 18 months in that we see each other most days, we've been on several holidays / weekends away together, we've met each others families and friends on several occasions. We also have one DC each, which met at the beginning of the year. Everything has been going really well. My boyfriend is 40, his DC is 12, and I am 30, my DC is 6.

We want to live together and are making plans to do so, so we both feel it's serious. He's always maintained that he loves me and wants a future with me, and I feel the same way about him. I, however, have always wanted another DC, and made that very clear from the start of our relationship, and in fairness to him, he has always maintained that he wasn't sure about another. In part, due to his age, but also because his DC is already 12. However, he has started dropping hints about us having another DC together, for example he will say things like, 'would you consider getting pregnant before we lived together?' and he has also spoken to his DC about the idea of us having another too. To be honest, I sort of took this as he was warming to the idea, especially as we are making plans to live together and he knows how much I want another DC. I haven't discussed it with him properly since around the 6 month mark.

Yesterday we were at a friends BBQ and I happened to overhear a conversation he was having with a friend. The friend asked if he wanted more children, and he laughed and said, 'I don't know, it's a bit of a sore subject.' It upset me, although I see that is irrational, as he has always maintained the same stance of being unsure. AIBU to think after 18 months he should be able to give an actual answer? I am really concerned about causing upheaval in my DC's life by moving if we aren't on the same page about this. If you think 18 months is too soon, what would you say is the right timeframe to get an actual answer?

OP posts:

SoS505 · 10/07/2022 15:41

What someone laughingly says to their mates, regarding what is a personal matter, compared to what they say in private to their partner can be completely different.

He may have just been making light of the situation to shut the topic down because, frankly, it’s none of their business.

Would you seriously consider having a child with him without the security of being married though after all the heartbreaking threads on here?

FlissyPaps · 10/07/2022 15:43

I think you should definitely be living together before even considering having a child together.

If having another child is 100% something you want you need to make this clear to him. If he can’t commit to that fully, then I’d be rethinking the relationship.

Hummingbird33 · 10/07/2022 15:45

Sounds like you need a proper discussion about it.

I wouldn't get upset about a remark like that to one of his mates. He might just not have wanted to go into it.

maddening · 10/07/2022 15:45

I would ask him directly now, he gave the impression that he was not decided, since gave the impression that he was swinging to yes, based on what you overheard I think it makes it the right time to ask him to make a decision, before moving in together.

maddening · 10/07/2022 15:48

Not to have one now I mean, but to agree that it is something you are aiming for together and if he is now a firm no you have the opportunity to decide whether to continue with the relationship. You have been clear from the outset, he continued a relationship on the basis that he was still undecided but knowing your position, it was always going to come to the point that he would need to decide otherwise he was just stringing you along.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/07/2022 15:48

I wouldn't be upset about that remark, it sounds like it was made to shut down the conversation.
I think you and your dp need a serious and frank conversation about your expectations going forward, marriage? Living together? Baby?

chilledbubble · 10/07/2022 15:52

His friend was rude to ask so he was probably shutting him down as its a tricky conversation between the two of you. Personally I would live together before you think about having another child. You need to know you all get on as a family unit first before adding to it.

Original poster

Lagunaa · 10/07/2022 16:23

Oh god no, I would never have a baby without living together first. I was just using that as an example of something he's said which has hinted that he might be on board to have another.

I was just upset because it feels like it's been building for a while. I was already upset and feeling uneasy because he's never given a definite yes or no. It seems 18 months isn't too early in most peoples books then x

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Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 11:10

@maddening Would you also call it a day if the answer is still, 'not knowing'?

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Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 11/07/2022 11:12

Well, I think it's odd that you expected him to confirm his feelings to a friend rather than you when you say you've not talked about it properly for a while.

Talk to him. Tell him what you want and you need to know what he wants. And then decide whether your relationship has a future.

Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 11:16

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer Yes, you are right, it does seem odd. I should have spoken up before getting to this point, it's just hard to determine when is too soon / when is too late / feeling like this will be make or break for the relationship. I don't think I am or was actually upset about the conversation with his friend, I think it's more the ongoing uncertainty over months and months.

OP posts:

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 11/07/2022 11:17

I get that. I think it's fine for you to say you've had enough of waiting and he needs to make up his mind. Just be prepared that the answer might then be no and that might push you into making a decision.

Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 11:19

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer That's what I am afraid of. I really don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to lose my chance at being a mum again. It's so difficult to know which is right, but using my head, I know that giving up my chance of being a mum again at 30 is foolish when it is something I want so much.

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KangarooKenny · 11/07/2022 11:20

I think you need to decide how important another child is to you. If he said no to another child, would you leave him to get that child ?
I think it’s odd that he’s having the conversation with friends and eve his own child, but not you.

BornIn78 · 11/07/2022 11:23

I’d more note annoyed that the “it’s a sore subject” comment, which seems to imply that you’re nagging or constantly on at him about it, when (from reading your OP) in reality you haven’t even spoke to him about it in a year.

He sounds like the kind of jerk that will make “the old ball and chain” type of comments about you to his mates when he can’t own his own choices and decisions.

maddening · 11/07/2022 11:26

If his answer is still "don't know" and he has been joking with friends saying "no and it's a sore subject" then I would be concerned that I was being strung along.

Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 11:28

No, we haven't had a proper discussion in quite some time. I would say he brings it up in hinting ways far more than I do or have of late. I have had lots of people come to me and ask me about it recently, including our mutual friends, as they see the relationship getting more serious.

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ChimpMcGarvey · 11/07/2022 11:30

He sounds like a future faker to me. Saying just enough, dropping just a few hints here and there, to keep you dangling.

I mean, what kind of question is “would you get pregnant before we moved in together”, and has he hell spoken to a 12 year old child about it.

Testina · 11/07/2022 11:37

He shouldn’t be speaking to his 12yo about it unless he knows for himself.
Saying it was a sore subject is pretty dickish as I do think it seems to cast you in a ball-and-chain bad light.
Putting people off asking isn’t a bad thing though, so if he was able to explain that he wanted it to sound awkward deliberately, I’d have some sympathy.
It’s not a hint to ask if you’d consider getting pregnant without living together.
You need to ask him outright, and if he says he’s not sure - ask him why he’s talking about pregnancy before cohabitation anc telling his child then?

Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 11:38

@ChimpMcGarvey This worries me too. I've had this happen to be before, so I am keen not to let this go on any longer than necessary. But also see that committing to having a child with someone is a massive step, and not one I am sure can be made in 18 months. But I can't go on with the uncertainty and entrench myself and my DC further in this...

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Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 11:40

@Testina I am going to ask him outright and if I do not receive a clear answer, I think it's time to end the relationship. Some of his behaviours are strange and are perhaps reflective of someone who is very unsure.

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SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 11/07/2022 11:43

Talk to him again and be very clear. Any answer that is not a "yes" is in reality a "no". Don't be fooled by a future faker.

Fenella123 · 11/07/2022 11:43

Do you have a lot more money than him? If not, would you not want to get married before having a baby anyway? Having a baby has quite a big impact on your earnings and earning potential - but if you're not married and split up, you can only claim CMS, leaving you with limited resources to look after yourself and the child.

larkstar · 11/07/2022 12:00

My thought is that he is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear so he can get what he wants. He's 10 years older than you and I'd imagine he knows in his heart what he really wants - firstly it's you (by the sound of it) - he is probably having to weight up the compromise - I 'd be very circumspect about what he is saying if I were you - work through all the worse case scenarios from your perspective and see how it looks. You should be able to talk through all these scenarios with him - you need to know (and trust) what he really thinks and feels - you can't do this buy guesswork - you have to work things out - you wouldn't want to trust a pilot who took off not being completely sure if, with the prevailing winds, he had enough fuel to reach the intended destination - so you work out a plan in advance and consider how safe everyone is going to be. What you want IMHO is someone who would do everything you would do if you were to have another child - would he work part time , give up work to be a house husband, etc - does he want it as much as you? It doesn't sound like it. Of course in a trusting and committed relationship you can accommodate great imbalances but are you sure that is what you have? I say this as a dad who partly gave up my career in order to look after my kids at two times in their lives when I felt they would benefit from me being around more instead of being immersed in work and I was very very lucky that my wife supported me in this - lucky to have had that time with my kids; I became self employed so I could work around my kids needs - it was a financial hit as I was the higher earner. I read so many horror stories on here about mother's being left high a dry in difficult circumstances - it's depressing at times but in other ways it can be uplifting and insightful.

Original poster

Lagunaa · 11/07/2022 16:23

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer @Testina

I asked him outright, and his reply was basically that he doesn't know as we haven't lived together but once we've lived together and it's all gone well then we can build a life together. Still not really a straight answer. And whilst I appreciate we do need to live together first before being able to 100% commit, I still think it needs to at least be a provisional yes if that makes sense? I don't want to give up my home if we don't agree on fundamental things such as this.

OP posts:

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