Would you continue this relationship?

[Lagunaa]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. It has been quite an intense 18 months in that we see each other most days, we've been on several holidays / weekends away together, we've met each others families and friends on several occasions. We also have one DC each, which met at the beginning of the year. Everything has been going really well. My boyfriend is 40, his DC is 12, and I am 30, my DC is 6.

We want to live together and are making plans to do so, so we both feel it's serious. He's always maintained that he loves me and wants a future with me, and I feel the same way about him. I, however, have always wanted another DC, and made that very clear from the start of our relationship, and in fairness to him, he has always maintained that he wasn't sure about another. In part, due to his age, but also because his DC is already 12. However, he has started dropping hints about us having another DC together, for example he will say things like, 'would you consider getting pregnant before we lived together?' and he has also spoken to his DC about the idea of us having another too. To be honest, I sort of took this as he was warming to the idea, especially as we are making plans to live together and he knows how much I want another DC. I haven't discussed it with him properly since around the 6 month mark.

Yesterday we were at a friends BBQ and I happened to overhear a conversation he was having with a friend. The friend asked if he wanted more children, and he laughed and said, 'I don't know, it's a bit of a sore subject.' It upset me, although I see that is irrational, as he has always maintained the same stance of being unsure. AIBU to think after 18 months he should be able to give an actual answer? I am really concerned about causing upheaval in my DC's life by moving if we aren't on the same page about this. If you think 18 months is too soon, what would you say is the right timeframe to get an actual answer?

He’s pissing you about.
When my second husband and I met, it was OLD and neither of us wanted to waste each other’s time.
We both said - I’m not expecting this from you as we’ve not even met yet, but, my aim is to meet a second “life” partner and live together and who knows about marriage, me - don’t care about that but not against, him - I’d prefer it.
And then we moved onto kids. His words, “if you want more, you’re barking up the wrong tree with me - I’ve happily had the snip!”
Me: “I don’t want a mix of children with different fathers in my life. No moral issue, just practical.”

I do not believe that a 40yo father who has dated you for 18 months can’t say, “I don’t want more children, sorry” or “I’d like more, yes - but I won’t start trying until I’ve lived with you.”

Without that yes or no, I’d move on. And I’d take the yes with a pinch of salt having had to drag it out!

I wouldn’t worry so much about what you overheard. It’s a personal topic and he might have just wanted to shut it down.

That being said it does sound like he’s possibly messing you around. I get that it’s possible to not be sure but it can also be used as a cover to keep a partner with you if you’re scared they’ll leave if they know the truth.

It’s difficult as if you move in together then a year or two passes, what if he says no or that he’s still not sure? You’ll still be young enough to leave and start again but it takes time to find someone else then try to have a child with them.
Does it feel like he’s genuinely not sure or do you think he’s leading you on?

I've never felt like he's intentionally lead or is leading me on. I think he is genuinely unsure. I really love him and our relationship is great. I can't say that I am 100% sure about having kids with him, having not lived with him before. But I can say, I would like more kids with you providing living together goes well. I'm not really wanting to put all my eggs (pardon the pun!) in the basket of someone who is so unsure.

his reply was basically that he doesn't know as we haven't lived together but once we've lived together and it's all gone well then we can build a life together. Still not really a straight answer

Do you think that perhaps he's just worried that if he says an outright yes, you will want to start to trying straight away? Are you the one taking care of contraception?

I think that's also why he asked you before if you would ever want to get pregnant before you move in together. He knows that you want to have another baby so I think he's just worried that it will all happen too quickly and you will essentially go straight from dating to being parents with barely any time to settle into living together. As you discussed it quite early on in your relationship, maybe he interpreted that as you being incredibly broody and keen to get cracking straight away.

And to be fair, he is right that you should settle into living together before you decide - and I think you're in agreement with him on that, really?

I think I would say 'OK, I know these are big conversations and it feels a bit intense but I love you very much and I just need to know where I stand. I completely understand that you think having a baby depends on how living together works out - I totally agree! I wouldn't want to start trying until we've lived happily together as a unit and know that living together is going to be permanent, of course. But what I do need to know is that, if living together works for us, that we can try for a baby. My view on this is that if we live together and get along, we have a baby, and that if we live together and don't get along, we would have to split up if it's not working out. There's no middle ground for me where things are good enough between us to live together for the rest of our lives, but not good enough between us to have a baby. And I need to know that you're on the same page before we go on with this.'

@10HailMarys I completely agree with that stance, and I think he knows that I wouldn't want to try straight away, but maybe he is feeling worried or scared and I need to reiterate that. We both have DC that come above any other potential / future child, we need to make sure they are happy first of all (and most importantly).

I really like your message and how it is phrased x

@Lagunaa Hope all goes well x

@10HailMarys Thank you, me too 🙂

Even if he's not ready to have a baby with you right now, he should be able to say yes or no to EVER wanting a child again, with anyone.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. I wouldn't be moving in with him on a "not sure". It would have to be a commitment to wanting to TTC in 1 year, for example, if all goes well with living together.

It seems like he doesn't really want another DC but could grudgingly be persuaded into it (maybe) to maintain the relationship. That's not really the basis I'd want for a family.

I'm afraid I would end it.

He's less than six years from his kid being an adult & off to uni. He's 40.

It's pretty clear he doesn't want to start over & be looking at another 18-year slog.

living together won't change those facts.

If you want a child do it a favor and find an excited, enthusiastic father for it. Not someone in middle age who hems and haws and has to be wheedled. That's so unfair to the offspring.

What are the strange behaviours?
It sounds like its all been fast forwarded-18 months, talk of moving in , met DC, babies.
A few red flags tbh

Even if he's not ready to have a baby with you right now, he should be able to say yes or no to EVER wanting a child again, with anyone

Good point. That would concern me. Having a child with someone who likely isn’t enthusiastic about having kids might not end well.

The fact you’re considering ending a relationship because of something he said to a friend, that you hadn’t l spoken to him about
suggests you shouldn’t be having a baby with this man.

the fact he won’t commit to a baby when it’s important to you suggests he’s not going to. He’s 40. What does he need to wait for? Surely he knows if kids are realistically an option or not. ‘Yes i want kids, but I want to wait’ is not the answer you’re getting.
Surely uprooting his current life and DCs life means he should be as committed to you as he needs to be

I wouldn't be giving up your home before marriage. You can always rent it out, but if things don't work out, you can move back into your house.

I know exactly how you feel OP.

Yes of course people make light of things to friends, people are allowed to have private conversations etc. But I've been in the situation where you overhear something like that and you just know straight away it's how they really feel.

Do you know if he can even have kids? Maybe he has had a vasectomy.

Having children by more than one man is always a bad idea unless the childrens father has sadly died or you have one baby from much younger where the father just pissed off.

Read all the stepparenting threads on here to see how much people come to resent the stepkids and their partners in mixed families. It’s not fair to the kids.

How about you define YOUR friendships & their boundaries & leave others to do the same.

Well maybe she should just have another baby with her Ex then.

🙄🙄

people don't post about their blended families when things are going well, so you only the 'problematic' situations

@Lagunaa He's dodging. He knows whether he wants more children or not. He's not enthusiastic/excited about having more children, so even if he says yes he does want more children, it's not going to be fun and expect to have it thrown back in your face.

I'd heavily suggest you accept this isn't the right relationship for you. You're still young (envious!). Go and meet a younger bloke who is excited to have a family with you, your DS & more children. Don't waste your life waiting for a 40 year old to decide about having more children. Life is dreadfully short & especially your ideal child bearing years.

@DGay He has definitely not had a vasectomy, or if he has, he hasn't told me.

@WinterMusings Thank you. I know I need to end it because he is not giving an actual answer, just skirting around the issue. I can't sacrifice any of my independence on such shaky answers. It's also not good for my mental health to be questioning, feeling like a nag, anxious about the future. I need a proper answer from a partner, a solid 'yes if things go well' or a 'no'. I want someone who is enthusiastic about doing these things with me too.

@Lagunaa I've been there, I do know how hard it is when you love someone, to split up because of something like this. I will say though, despite life not working out quite how I planned, I don't regret those break ups.

be strong, you can do this.

@WinterMusings Thanks. It really is shit. x

I’m so sorry OP for the situation you are in at the moment and I do not blame you for being a little hurt or confused after overhearing that conversation

Personally, I would expect an answer on wether a partner wanted a child or not before becoming serious with them
I’m not talking first date, but there are some deal breakers for me and that would be not wanting marriage and having a child together. I couldn’t imagine dating someone for a year and a half and still questioning if they want those things one day in the future

If you want me to be honest OP I do not think your partner wants another DC but I know nothing about him apart from what you wrote in your posts. Perhaps he doesn’t want to lose you so is keeping the convo open? I do feel like you’d have an idea by now, especially at 40 years old.

I wouldn’t move in with him until I was certain on what he actually wanted as if wanting another child is something that is a deal breaker to you and that you would regret not having in the future I would worry about wasting time with someone who doesn’t want the same

Would you get pregnant before we moved in,? Funny thing to say! I think he’s leading you a song and dance, he either would like a child with you or he wouldn’t! What’s so hard about being honest

He sounds like a sensible man to me. He wants you to live together and see how that works out before you get pregnant, decent idea really… Not everyone can cope living with each other, it’s entirely different from the start of a relationship where you see each other a few times a week but don’t actually cohabit. You might find you’re totally incompatible and wind each other up too much to live together, in which case having a child together isn’t a great idea.

You’re only 30 so the clock isn’t really against you yet. If you love him, I’d give it some more time and definitely try living together first. If he’s dragging his feet about actually moving in together in another 6 months, then I’d consider calling it quits.

Not read the full thread but he’s expecting you to carry, give birth to, pay for and raise a child for 18 years in a relationship he isn’t sure of? That’s about a £300,000 commitment from you. What’s he bringing to the table?