DH in denial about our kids development

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When DS1 was around 12 months old I began raising concerns about his development and DH brushed it off and made excuses for why he isn't able to do this or that. I would get upset whenever I raised something as he would downplay my concerns. I knew something was wrong so pushed for referrals anyway, to cut a long story short he is severely autistic.

DS2 came along and as he reaches the same age (12 months) I'm seeing it all again. No eye contact, hates being held, doesn't babble, poor sleep, hand flapping, doesn't clap or mimic.

As per last time I'm raising concerns to DH and he's coming out with the same shite, he even suggested DS2's delays were down to us 'lacking' with him. He can speak for himself as he doesn't see how much time and attention I devote to DS2 - he's at work all day!

I'm pissed off and upset that he's downplaying my concerns again. If I would have listened to him last time there's no way DS1 would have got the critical early intervention he received.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Just go ahead without him again.

it sounds like he’s in denial and thinks that pretending it isn’t happening will mean he’s got neurotypical children.

Tbf I was also in denial about my sons development, I knew there was a problem he's also severely autistic with learning disabilities,,but I didn't want to admit ,and my dh was heartbroken at first ,he's 12 now at a special school, and we have long since accepted he is who is ,but I found it very hard in the beginning.

Nope understandable on both sides to a degree. I think you just have to crack on and start the process by yourself to get assessment and extra help. Dh will come round eventually as it becomes more obvious. Understandable for you to be annoyed by the lack of support but being in denial is just a natural state to a point. Providing he does step up and help when you need it I'm not sure there is much else you can do. I'm sorry it's a very difficult place to be.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you are being pragmatic and he is putting his head in the sand as a coping mechanism- which is ok for a while too -

Just do as you did last time and have the understanding that DH is coping in his own way for now

Could your DH be on the spectrum himself? Apparently it often happens that this is inherited and it is the parent from whom it is inherited who is most in denial.

DH was the same and got a stern talking to from the clinical psychologist in our first assessment appointment. She asked DC to leave the room and then when DH was pushing back she repeated DC's answers and then what a NT child would have said/done. Over and over, it would have been delicious to watch in any other circumstance.

Thank you for the replies.

I was sympathetic to his being in denial during the diagnosic process with DS1 as I could appreciate that some denial was understandable as the reality could be overwhelming, but I don't seem to have the same patience for it this time around.

His denial meant I was dealing with it all by myself. The paperwork, referrals, chasing up appointments, filling in forms.

This time around he has the benefit of hindsight and a ton of experience to go with it and I just feel like he should cop on if you know what I mean?

He may well be on the spectrum himself but he would never seek a diagnosis, denial again.

I would love to see this happen with my DH. He can brush me off but would struggle being so blasé with a professional. Good on her.

It's not worth talking about your children with a man who is so disinterested with them. I'd just stop communicating with the idiot at all. He doesn't sound like he has anything worth saying anyway.

That's interesting as that's exactly what's happening with a friend of mine. It's quite clear that her DH is on the spectrum and that's likely where their DD's autism has come from, but he is very much in denial that there's anything wrong, which leaves her to do all the chasing for appointments, liaising with all the various teams, and with all the emotional load too

I thin’ it’s very common for a parent to be in denial, we all want our children to be developing like other children their age and to be perceived as “normal” . I work in early years and have seen it on numerous occasions. Some people don’t want to have to deal with something being different about their child.

He's very likely to have autism himself. That means he may struggle to process unexpected things.

It may be more helpful to think of him as being unable to consider the diagnosis, rather than choosing not to.

That's no help to you- you are still stuck. However, it may be easier to bear.

It's possible the health professionals involved with your DC will discuss it with him.
If he's diagnosed, it would help you to say 'Do you think you may be resistant to this because of autism?', in situations when he's refusing to engage. That definitely helps us.

It is mind boggling to me how somebody can clearly see their child isn't developing typically yet deny there are any issues.

Is it a case of seeing that there are issues and trying to convince yourself you're being silly or do you just not see any issues full stop?

Could it be that he sees parallels with himself and so, by accepting his child is ND then he must also open up the possibility that he may be ND? I have seen this happen before.

It's incredibly hard coming to terms with one child be severely disabled, so to come to terms with two must be so much harder, I nearly had a breakdown going through the diagnosis
What helped me was meeting other parents whose children had similar disabilities. I started to feel less alone

You have no idea if he's very likely to have autism himself ,he may do he might not but to suggest he's very likely to have after reading s couple of posts is ridiculous.

One (admittedly high functioning) member of DH's family asserts 'it's just personality'.

In your husband's case, it's a bit like asking him to believe that it's a hot day, when he's cold.

It just doesn't compute. At least, that's how it looks with DH's gang.

I think there’s an element of regret that the beloved child will develop in different ways and the the hopes and expectations that most people have for their children, will need to be adjusted.

Having said that, your DH has had to come to terms with the reality of the diagnosis of your first DS. It’s unfair of him to revisit old ground in this way, when you could be working together for the benefit of both children.

How can you possibly be diagnosing the OP’s husband with autism based on just a couple of posts? It’s not uncommon for parents of children with developmental delays or disabilities to initially go through a period of denial and it’s doesn’t mean that those parents all have autism! The OP has literally shared no other information about her DH or his behaviour etc so it’s ridiculous to be talking as if his denial is because he has an autism diagnosis. It’s well known that denial is a common initial reaction to big, difficult news and that it can take time for people to come around to processing things and it’s nothing to do with being or not being autistic!

To be honest there is alot of his behaviour that could point towards him being autistic himself, he isn't debilitated to the extent that DS1 is but communication has always been a problem for us.

That coupled with the widely accepted knowledge that autism is often inherited I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest he may be.

He has always been very logical however, and being in denial over something so blatant as this, foe a second time, seems totally illogical to me.

In terms of being in denial, how much experience does your DP actually have with typically developing children? I teach early years in a special school and I found it’s not uncommon for parents to not realise their first child was not developing typically until either they had a second child with a short age gap or until their child went to nursery and the nursery picked up on the delays as the parents themselves had no idea their child’s behaviour wasn’t in line with typical age development. If you don’t have a lot of experience with babies and toddlers it’s far easier to tell yourself your child’s development or behaviour is typical/ nothing to worry about so what’s obvious to one parent who has experience with children might not be obvious, and this easier to deny, to another parent.

How on earth can anyone assert that OP’s husband has autism?

We have two autistic children and are definitely not autistic ourselves.

All these mad assumptions and assertions.

He has just called me from his lunch break and apologised for dismissing my concerns and upsetting me, I think that's because he knows he upset me though.. rather than believing anything is actually wrong with DS2.

We had a bit of a row about it all this morning and I brought up how alone I felt during the process with DS1.

He might well be and it might benefit him to have an assessment by professional, s ,however it isn't for random strangers on the Internet to decide he is autistic ,it really minimises the very real disability it can be for some

Quite a bit. There are lots of children in his family. He also had much younger siblings he would help with when he was in his late teens.