DH in denial about our kids development

[Veronixa]

When DS1 was around 12 months old I began raising concerns about his development and DH brushed it off and made excuses for why he isn't able to do this or that. I would get upset whenever I raised something as he would downplay my concerns. I knew something was wrong so pushed for referrals anyway, to cut a long story short he is severely autistic.

DS2 came along and as he reaches the same age (12 months) I'm seeing it all again. No eye contact, hates being held, doesn't babble, poor sleep, hand flapping, doesn't clap or mimic.

As per last time I'm raising concerns to DH and he's coming out with the same shite, he even suggested DS2's delays were down to us 'lacking' with him. He can speak for himself as he doesn't see how much time and attention I devote to DS2 - he's at work all day!

I'm pissed off and upset that he's downplaying my concerns again. If I would have listened to him last time there's no way DS1 would have got the critical early intervention he received.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

I understand what you're saying.

I don't think there's any real possibility of him agreeing to an assessment so unfortunately it will always remain an assumption on my part.

How does he cope with DS1's diagnosis now?

It's not really about being in denial. If he's autistic himself he may not understand the issues or realise that there are any.

He is fully accepting of it as of the day he got his formal diagnosis despite professionals treating him under the assumption that he was autistic long before the diagnosis

He's quite vocal about it and doesn't shy away from talking about it. If we are out in public and DS1 is having a meltdown within earshot of others he'll explain "My son has autism, he's doing this because of that" so no denial at all.

Does he help with DS1?

It’s good that he has apologised to you. Perhaps you could take the line that you have concerns and whilst he doesn’t it would be very helpful for you if he would support you through getting help and assessment in case you are correct?

He might find that easier than facing the reality.

Good luck going forward

He does his share of managing DS1's daily needs, so looking after him, changing him as he's doubly incontinent, feeding him etc. All of the disability admin falls to me though.

I have inattentive ADHD and could really use a hand with the admin (forms, appointments, phonecalls etc) but get none bar him taking DS to a total of two SALT sessions as I was ill at the time.

Sourcing his nursery and subsequent special needs school was all on me, the DLA claims and renewals, chasing up EHCP etc.

He tried saying it all comes to me because 'mothers have more rights than fathers' and draws reference to one isolated occasion where he took DS to the GP and they called me for clarification. He was copping out of admin long before that happened.

This is more common than you know OP. When my DS1 was diagnosed with ADHD (following an ASD diagnosis a year earlier) the psychiatrist asked me (when DH was out of the room) how he was coping with the diagnosis. She said in her experience fathers are about a year behind mothers in coming to terms with their children having additional needs.

I can also relate OP as DS3 is now going through an assessment process and it has been tough to get DH to agree that it is necessary. I think there is a bit of ‘it’s been really tough accepting we have one child with needs; it’s almost unbearable to think of two’, which I understand as I feel it too, but putting our heads in the sand won’t help.

My DH was the same. Completely denied that DS could possibly have autism. Turned out he has. It's possible my DD has too, but I'm not even saying anything, just getting her a referral.

Oh well, your H is not so bad then. My ex-H would never in a million years have done this. I spent our marriage telling him how much this would mean to me (acknowledging the impact of his behaviour on me and apologising) and waiting and hoping he would do this. Never did. Not once.

There's a moving description of a scenario like this in a Vanity Fair article about Michael Burry. I've only quote part of the relevant portion, I do recommend the article.

www.vanityfair.com/news/2010/04/wall-street-excerpt-201004

Not long before, his wife had dragged him to the office of a Stanford psychologist. A pre-school teacher had noted certain worrying behaviors in their four-year-old son, Nicholas, and suggested he needed testing. Nicholas didn’t sleep when the other kids slept. He drifted off when the teacher talked at any length. His mind seemed “very active.” Michael Burry had to resist his urge to take offense. He was, after all, a doctor, and he suspected that the teacher was trying to tell them that he had failed to diagnose attention-deficit disorder in his own son. “I had worked in an A.D.H.D. clinic during my residency and had strong feelings that this was overdiagnosed,” he said. “That it was a ‘savior’ diagnosis for too many kids whose parents wanted a medical reason to drug their children, or to explain their kids’ bad behavior.” He suspected his son was a bit different from the other kids, but different in a good way. “He asked a ton of questions,” said Burry. “I had encouraged that, because I always had a ton of questions as a kid, and I was frustrated when I was told to be quiet.” Now he watched his son more carefully and noted that the little boy, while smart, had problems with other people. “When he did try to interact, even though he didn’t do anything mean to the other kids, he’d somehow tick them off.” He came home and told his wife, “Don’t worry about it! He’s fine!”
His wife stared at him and asked, “How would you know?”
To which Dr. Michael Burry replied, “Because he’s just like me! That’s how I was.”

You know you're not being unreasonable.

It's a real shame your DP is so woefully ill-equipped to deal with it, especially after going through it before. Is he one of those Dads who basically leaves you to do all of the care for the kids then just swans in for the fun stuff? He sounds really ignorant, frankly.

Have you considered dragging him to some family autism days so he can meet other Dads going through the same? It might do him good to see how other Dads step up under these circumstances and make him realise he's taking the piss.

A friend of mine went through this. Her 'D'H was a proper dick about it as he had kids from a previous marriage and they're, in his words 'normal' (twat!) so she got all of the accusations of poor parenting pre-diagnosis and then all of the blame put on her and her 'shit genes' afterwards.

Both she, and you, deserve better, OP.

My DH sounds very similar to yours OP. I think our eldest DC may have ADHD/ODD but my husband refuses to see it. I think it’s just them burying their heads in the sand because they don’t want to see it.

I can understand the denial. I have one DS3, he only says a few words and I raised concerns about this from him being 13 months old. I was brushed off by HV etc but nursery completed the speech referral in January, at this point she mentioned a few other things which are traits of autism. At this point I went into complete denial. With a completely useless (now ex) partner everything has been left to me to sort. After my last meeting with nursery, just before his speech appointment I had comes to terms with it. The speech therapist cannot diagnose but confirmed he was showing signs within 10 minutes of being in the room. We've been referred to a pediatric but will have to wait a few months for that. In the meantime I'm carrying on with all the advice given by nursery and autism charities because it's really helped DS beyond a doubt.
I do think, at some point, it will 'click' with your DH and he'll get his head out the sand. In the meantime, another serious chat about helping with the admin as well as the practical help needs to be had, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Massive well done for spotting signs and getting help early on.

@Veronixa If he doesn't pull his finger out and do his bit, this will break your marriage up. Been there, done that. Parenting children with SN is a whole level of difficult, and the only thing that's worse than being a single parent of children with ASD is being married to someone who denies/ducks out/leaves you to do it all. At least if you're a single parent, you don't have the constant irritation and disappointment on top of everything else. He needs this to be made clear to him.

I am a Speech Pathologist (Australia) and also do autism assessments. This often happens, with the dad in denial about delays and mums pushing for intervention services early. Go with your gut, you know your children best and get the ball rolling if you have concern s

Does your DH have an "ideal" of how he wants his children to be? I absolutely don't want to sound sexist but I think men really struggle with the idea that their children are not "perfect" or that they are "different".
DD2 is autistic and took a long time for my DH to accept this. DS is possibly autistic and I have been saying this for months but it's taken DH almost 18 months to accept it's possible.
In both cases I have just gone ahead with getting referrals and let him come round in his own time.

I work in primary and see this all the time with fathers. It’s very strange. Trust your gut.

I work in a mainstream secondary school and it’s not uncommon for parents to be in denial that their children have autism. Especially some of the Asian parents it seems as apparently it is a stigma in their culture to have a child with additional needs. It’s so much better for the child if the parents accept their children for who they are and work with the school & other agencies. I hope your partner will support you more in future OP

I can see it from both sides. My eldest is severely autistic. He’s an adult now. When I had my second child 7 years later i scrutinised her every move. She didn’t like being held either, still doesn’t and she’s 16 years old! Wasn’t happy unless she was eating. I drove myself mad, watching her constantly. All of her milestones were very late and by 2 years old she still hadn’t said one single word or babbled. She was referred to SALT. She finally starting speaking at around 3. By that point I knew she wasn’t autistic, apart from the speech and dislike of being held there were no other signs. For a start she understood everything we said and could follow directions, something my son has never done. Her receptive language was age appropriate . She just developed a lot slower than her peers. She is dyslexic though and I now know early signs of dyslexia can be late to reach milestones,

it’s hard to accept though and even as I saw red flags I still talked myself out of it.

I don't think any parent wants their child to be severely disabled
You learn to accept it and of course you still love your child ,but it can certainly take some time to get used to my dh accepted it before I did tbh

DH does that. Now dc is diagnosed with autism and dh told his parents that he has no idea why ds gets high rate care dla. Doesn't help PIL's views that "anyone can get a diagnosis and disability benefits these days". I think it's at least partly because DH also has autism and he probably thinks ds's symptoms are normal and it's everyone else who is different.

Raise the concerns with health professionals, not your dh.

I shouldn't laugh but that did tickle me, he has no idea why DS gets high rate DLA. Good lord 😄

I take it DH / PIL's deny there's anything wrong with DH too?

I was a little like this in a similar situation. I think you need to cut him some slack. He will get there in the end.