DH in denial about our kids development

[Veronixa]

When DS1 was around 12 months old I began raising concerns about his development and DH brushed it off and made excuses for why he isn't able to do this or that. I would get upset whenever I raised something as he would downplay my concerns. I knew something was wrong so pushed for referrals anyway, to cut a long story short he is severely autistic.

DS2 came along and as he reaches the same age (12 months) I'm seeing it all again. No eye contact, hates being held, doesn't babble, poor sleep, hand flapping, doesn't clap or mimic.

As per last time I'm raising concerns to DH and he's coming out with the same shite, he even suggested DS2's delays were down to us 'lacking' with him. He can speak for himself as he doesn't see how much time and attention I devote to DS2 - he's at work all day!

I'm pissed off and upset that he's downplaying my concerns again. If I would have listened to him last time there's no way DS1 would have got the critical early intervention he received.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

My ds is now 22 and as his mother I would definitely say early diagnosis and intervention is key.

I remember having concerns about out ds from a very early age, I use to say to my dh about my concerns and he would say he’s fine, but he clearly was not fine.

I eventually booked an appointment with an audiologist as I wondered if he had a problem with his hearing which would answer a lot of my questions.

when I told my dh about the appointment I had booked he said to me “ your opening a can of worms doing that” I responded to him with “well if I don’t look out for him know one else will, and its my job as his mother to do what I feel is right”

Many years later when we spoke about that conversation he admitted that I was right and he was burying his head in the sand not wanting to believe there was an issue.

My answer to you is do what you need to do to help your child, time is of the essence which is key for when they start school.

It wasn't only DD's father's denial in itself that was infuriating, it was more that he saw her as NT and held her to those standards with everything.

In short, a partner in denial is difficult to deal with and exasperating, but do make sure that partner doesn't start to punish your children for being disabled.

Regarding the suggestion he may be like that because of autism. I have autism and could therefore spot the signs with my DC. I have seen it where a parent is undiagnosed and they don't realise their DC is autistic/ADHD because acting in a certain way to them is completely normal so it doesn't stand out. I remember before I was diagnosed sometimes reading something about autism and thinking - that's strange, I do that/think like that but I'm not autistic. It all made sense once I was diagnosed. Not sure if that is what is going on with your DH, though.

Op I just wanted to commend you on what a caring and attentive mother you are. Thank you.

Don't worry, I sometimes laugh about it too. DS is about as autistic as you can get without having learning difficulties but that's all normal apparently. And yes, PIL's deny anything is wrong with DH. DH accepts he has autism but not that anything he does is out of the ordinary. Even my 11 year old (who doesn't have autism) understands that daddy struggles with ikea because of his autism. Not that DH or PIL's will admit that.