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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandchildren treated differently

57 replies

Reuben2014 · 09/07/2022 23:36

My partners parents came over today. I really like his parents but his dad gave my stepdaughter £20 and my 2 year old daughter a mug that says special granddaughter. The last time he came he also gave my stepdaughter money but nothing for my 2 two year old. I was upset as my dad gives both the same, even though he is not a grandad to my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is amazing and at only 10 years of age turned round and said she would share her money with her sister. 8 said how kind she was but that it was hers. My stepdaughter also commented the last time my partners dad didn't give my 2 year old anything and said it wasn't fair. I dont care about the money, it's the fact they should be treated equally. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MargotChateau · 09/07/2022 23:41

This is unpleasant behaviour to treat children differently even with the age gap. (I had this done to me by my stepfather and his family, while my dad used buy me and my half-brother equal presents at holidays etc)

This needs nipping in the bud now. Granted the two year old can’t spend the money, but it could be put in a savings till she is older. If moneys the issue they should just give them ten pounds each from the twenty ( or any other denomination).

get your DH to sort it, this can’t come from you. Do you have a reasonable relationship with your parents in law?

negomi90 · 09/07/2022 23:44

But its a 2 year old. A 2yo wouldn't know what to do with £20. He thought about the 2yo, he got her a mug which if plastic is more appropriate than money at that age.
I wouldn't expect a 2yo to be given the same present as a 10yo. That's not fair to both. Even at a monetary level, a 2yo tends to like cheaper things.
If he hadn't thought about the 2yo at all, I'd sympathise. But I think you're being precious. I know it was an issue in the past, but he's learned and is trying and got something special this time. And I think those gifts with those ages are fair.

AliceW89 · 09/07/2022 23:48

I think your being a bit unreasonable to be honest. Kids don’t need to be treated exactly equally for it to be fair. The wants and needs of a 10 year old are more expensive then a 2 year old and the gifts reflect that. Your DD’s time will come when she’ll be getting extra spending money from her grandparents.

lanthanum · 09/07/2022 23:48

Can DP explain to his family that his daughter is a bit embarrassed if there's a present for her and not her step-sister, as your family tend to bring presents for both? They might have assumed your side were doing the same as them.

I wouldn't be worrying too much about the presents being equal in value at this point, though. A 2 year old is going to be more excited by a cheap toy than a £20 note!

Testina · 09/07/2022 23:52

You don’t give a 2yo £20!
The “special granddaughter” mug for a non biological grandchild is a lovely gesture, moreso than money.
Not long after I met my now stepdaughters, we all went Xmas shopping in London. I gave them surprise envelopes as they headed off to Oxford St. They got £100 each, early Xmas treat. 16 and 18.
My own blood child didn’t know what they got, and got £20. She was 4 - that was a fortune to her!
I definitely didn’t love my boyfriend’s kids more!

HundredAcreW00d · 10/07/2022 00:18

The “special granddaughter” mug for a non biological grandchild is a lovely gesture, moreso than money.

I think both are his biological granddaughters. They have different mothers, same father.

Testina · 10/07/2022 00:34

HundredAcreW00d · 10/07/2022 00:18

The “special granddaughter” mug for a non biological grandchild is a lovely gesture, moreso than money.

I think both are his biological granddaughters. They have different mothers, same father.

Then even more reason not to think that grandfather sees the child as any less of a grandchild if they are both his son’s.
10yo and 2yo… it’s not at all strange to give them different value presents.
What can a 2yo do with a £20 note?!

Mellowyellow222 · 10/07/2022 01:01

I too think it’s okay to give an older child money. It’s almost pocket money - the two year old doesn’t need a present every time surely?

it would be different if he bought the older child a teddy and nothing for the younger child. But a bank note means nothing to a two year old:

I think your are making an issue where there is none.

Mariposista · 10/07/2022 01:36

A 2 year old shouldn’t be given money - they have no idea how to spend it so a token gift means just as much and they have no idea of the value.
a 10 year old may have been budgeting pocket money/ birthday money for something special (I remember really wanting a special stationary organiser from woolworths and it cost 20 and my gran giving me the last 5 I needed when I got a good school report).

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2022 01:44

Is it normal now for grandads to hand over cash every time they visit their grandchildren? Ours never did. I think that’s what needs stopping - it can’t be good for children to be led to expect money every time they see their grandads.

fallfallfall · 10/07/2022 01:59

What on earth would a 2 yr old do with a 20? Stuff it down the heat vent or toilet pipe.
of course it’s suitable and reasonable to give different aged children different gifts.
treating kids the same isn’t £ for £.
it’s about love care and attention, at different times in a child’s life their needs will be different.

Tinkity · 10/07/2022 02:18

I dont care about the money, it's the fact they should be treated equally.

Maybe they are being treated equally though i.e. they are receiving the exact same gifts according to age.

For example, perhaps when your stepdaughter was 2, she was only given a mug or some such item. Maybe when your daughter is 10 (like your stepdaughter is now) she will then be given £20. This way it all evens out in the end.

Think about it, if your stepdaughter was only getting mugs or whatever as a toddler but you are expecting your daughter to be getting £20 notes (in line with what the 10 year old is getting now) then actually that’s very unfair on your stepdaughter as overall your daughter will be treated more favourably.

Think of it this way, if they bought your 17 year old stepdaughter a car for her birthday, you wouldn’t then expect them to spend the same amount of money on your 9 year old’s birthday, would you? You would however expect them to buy your daughter the same when she turns 17 though.

stuntbubbles · 10/07/2022 02:21

So both kids got a present?

Bellyups · 10/07/2022 02:24

YABU. Your dad is 2. Step dd is 10

JenniferBarkley · 10/07/2022 02:35

I think it would be strange to give a two year old £20. Even my four year old would have zero appreciation for money Vs a physical thing.

But then I imagine if all was fine in the bigger picture you wouldn't have posted.

generaldoll · 10/07/2022 04:11

My ten year old would love a £20 note and would want to spend it on a treat.
My two year old would be a bit meh and probably try and lick it

HoppingPavlova · 10/07/2022 05:06

I was with you until it transpires that one is 2yo and 1 is 10yo. Use your brain. Do you get them exactly the same birthday and Xmas presents so you are treating them the same. Nope. Same with this. I’m sure when your 2yo is 10 yo they will also get a 20.

HoppingPavlova · 10/07/2022 05:15

Problem is some people would expect an equivalent amount for the 9yo’s birthday as they have zero common sense. You see it on here frequently, along with ‘my 80yo parents won’t mind my 2 year old for 2 days a week so I can work and avoid childcare fees, but they minded my 20 year old niece 5 days a week when she was that age, they did it for my sister, it’s unfair they are not doing it for me. Rest of Mumsnet - yep, obvious Golden Child syndrome, go NC immediately.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/07/2022 05:23

Yabu. What do you want him to do? Give your 2yr old a £20 note or your step daughter a gift more suitable for a toddler?
You know, so they are treated the same.

Two year olds and 10 year olds should not be treated the same because they have very different age dependent needs.

Pregante · 10/07/2022 06:04

That's so unkind.

It's not about the 2yo not needing £20 it's about the lack of thought. A little teddy or something doesn't cost a lot but shows thought at least!

Darbs76 · 10/07/2022 06:09

I don’t buy into this you must give identically to each child. A 2yr old isn’t going to go out and spend £20. When the 2yr old is same age as your other daughter is now, he will likely give £20 then. My brother was so insistent growing up that we both got exactly the same. He would measure out half a can of Coke exactly and would add up what my parents had bought us for Christmas. They had to ensure they spent the exact same.

I made sure my children didn’t grow up like that. I buy something when needed, I don’t need to buy something for the sake of it. Your dad is generous giving £20, don’t make it out to be something it’s not.

Marvellousmadness · 10/07/2022 06:11

Yabu. And grabby

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 10/07/2022 06:41

My MIL is amazing, truly a wonderful woman. There's no way she would have given 2 yr old DD £20 she gave her something age appropriate that could be played with/eaten immediately because 2 yr olds aren't great with the concept of 'this piece of paper can be exchanged at a later date for something you will enjoy'. Now DD is 8 and likes being able to pick her own stuff in the shop she often gets a surprise £10 from Nana.

It's about giving age appropriate gifts not favouring one child over the other.

Twinkle1989 · 10/07/2022 06:58

I'll probably get shot for this...

YABU

You cannot expect them to be treated as the same - one is a grand child, the other is not.

How long have you been together?

If I was in your situation, I wouldn't expect either grandparent to love or treat the non-grandchild the same as the grandchild. I'd just be very grateful that they bothered at all tbh.

My sibling has children and a partner with children. I don't buy them the same gifts at Christmas etc - I get a token gift for the partner's kids but it's certainly not equal. The partner's family don't even do that for my nieces and nephews. It's life, and the sad reality of split families.

Aprilx · 10/07/2022 07:19

You say it isn’t about money, but actually it seems like it is. It isn’t very clear from your post where the biological links are, so at first I actually thought that you were upset that the 2 year old got the special granddaughter mug whilst the older child was fobbed off with money. Because I thought the special granddaughter mug was the more touching gesture.

I take it that the older girl is their granddaughter and your 2 year old is not related. In which case, I think their gesture is even nicer, shows a real effort to embrace her as part of the family on their part and you are unhappy that a two year did not get money. Yes, you are all about money, you are being very unreasonable.

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