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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am in the wrong with my boyfriend?

89 replies

horseyhorseyy · 09/07/2022 15:04

Been together 2 years but lately I'm honestly fed up.
We go away in September and both needed passport renewals.
I did mine three weeks ago and he said he was going to renew his on Monday next week.
We were meant to get his photos done on Thursday but he said he couldn't be bothered (even tho we walked past the shop ) so we said Sunday we will do it.
Now he is saying he will do it next week (even tho he is at work all week)

Today it's red hot here and we are at home watching tv because he can't be bothered to go out.
I said tomorrow has got to be lovely,shall we go to the beach (it's a 5 min drive )
He didn't rely -he said we need to save money.
I said it's literally the beach -or even go for a walk.
He said we will see tomorrow -caused a massive argument because I suggested going out in the sun.

He is meant to take medication daily-he forgets then complains he isn't well.
So I have to mother him
I'm drained
Have I done anything wrong?

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 09/07/2022 15:33

Do your future self a favour and get out now.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/07/2022 15:33

No you're not doing anything wrong, love. Not at all.

You deserve sooo much better than this.

lospolloshermanosass · 09/07/2022 15:36

I did my renewal this year, you just take the photos at home on your phone, upload them, and the website tells you whether or not they're acceptable.

shandon14 · 09/07/2022 15:36

Find out if you can change the holiday booking to another person at the last minute. Leave him to organise his own passport, don't remind him again. If his passport isn't here on time, valuable life lesson for him and you will be going anyway, maybe with a friend.

And learn day by day to live your own life, don't wait around for him.

Decide if this relationship is really right for you, you seem to be unhappy.

USaYwHatNow · 09/07/2022 15:37

The way passport renewals are going he can kiss goodbye to that holiday for a start!

SquidgyLlama · 09/07/2022 15:41

He sounds depressed.

I don't like going outside when I'm stuck in a depression either, don't really look after myself and everything seems like too much effort.

Tell him to get help and don't do things for him. It might make things worse for him in the short run but then he'll have no other option but to help himself.

gogogadgetgo · 09/07/2022 15:42

Can you imagine living like this for the rest of your life?

Because I can't see it getting any better.

It's not just that he can't be bothered. He doesn't listen to you. How hard is it to clean plates?

do you live together?

WizardOfAus · 09/07/2022 15:46

Don't marry this child.

wingliner · 09/07/2022 15:49

My answer to this is probably going to sound harsh to some ...

.... I would say look what you get out of the relationship, in life you have to be with someone who adds value to you and your life .... if they don't add value get rid.

Life's too short.

Riverlee · 09/07/2022 15:51

Maybe you are being bossy, but if he did things first time, you wouldn’t have to ask again.

what’s his mother like? Did she do everything at home? Has he come straight from home to yours? If so, he’s not learnt to be a grown-up yet. He’s (subconsciously?) learnt that if he doesn’t do something, it doesn’t matter as you’ll pick up the slack.

DonttouchthatLarry · 09/07/2022 15:56

If I lived 5 minutes from a beach on a day like this I wouldn't be sitting in the house with him! Stop mollycoddling him and leave him to it.

wingliner · 09/07/2022 16:01

@DonttouchthatLarry I agree, pack a bag, a book some food and go to the beach. Leave him at home and live your life. He will either some round to the idea and join you or not. Either way you deserve a nice afternoon.

Testina · 09/07/2022 16:03

“I know it's stupid things“

It really, really isn’t. Being shown a basic lack of respect isn’t a stupid thing. It’s a relationship fundamental. You wouldn’t accept a flatmate or work colleague leaving dishes for you… why accept it in the person who is supposed to cherish you above all others?

Testina · 09/07/2022 16:04

SquidgyLlama · 09/07/2022 15:41

He sounds depressed.

I don't like going outside when I'm stuck in a depression either, don't really look after myself and everything seems like too much effort.

Tell him to get help and don't do things for him. It might make things worse for him in the short run but then he'll have no other option but to help himself.

Only if depressed is spelt a-r-s-e-h-o-l-e 🤷🏻‍♀️

Burgergal · 09/07/2022 16:04

The only thing you've done wrong is staying with such a boring loser. Ditch him and go on holiday with a friend! Be happy,

speakout · 09/07/2022 16:12

"So I have to mother him"

NO - you really don't.

Let him get his own shit together.

WordleWitch · 09/07/2022 16:12

Do you honestly want another 20 years of this???????

He's not going to change, so change him.
Every day you spend with him is another day further away from finding someone who makes you happy

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:28

horseyhorseyy · 09/07/2022 15:04

Been together 2 years but lately I'm honestly fed up.
We go away in September and both needed passport renewals.
I did mine three weeks ago and he said he was going to renew his on Monday next week.
We were meant to get his photos done on Thursday but he said he couldn't be bothered (even tho we walked past the shop ) so we said Sunday we will do it.
Now he is saying he will do it next week (even tho he is at work all week)

Today it's red hot here and we are at home watching tv because he can't be bothered to go out.
I said tomorrow has got to be lovely,shall we go to the beach (it's a 5 min drive )
He didn't rely -he said we need to save money.
I said it's literally the beach -or even go for a walk.
He said we will see tomorrow -caused a massive argument because I suggested going out in the sun.

He is meant to take medication daily-he forgets then complains he isn't well.
So I have to mother him
I'm drained
Have I done anything wrong?

Yes. You've stayed with him.

Why? He doesn't sound much fun.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2022 16:29

horseyhorseyy · 09/07/2022 15:24

I'm starting to think it's not.
He's drained me today -to a point I don't care if I stay in all day tomorrow.
It's stupid things like -I made food last night and asked him to put the dishes in the kitchen and said don't put the plates in the sink with rice one-he literally left them on the side with the rice on ...rather than scrape the plates and put them in the sink to be washed .
I made breakfast and he hasn't even washed up -so I will be doing that too.
I know it's stupid things but it bothers me

So it should.

He's a lazy arse.

You can do better.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 09/07/2022 16:32

and why are you with him? this will be your life....forever......

offyoufuckcuntychops · 09/07/2022 16:43

How old are you, OP?
You do know there's more to live than this, however old you are, don't you?

Watchkeys · 09/07/2022 16:45

He is meant to take medication daily-he forgets then complains he isn't well.
So I have to mother him

Why do you think this, @horseyhorseyy ? Why do you think that you are the one adult, from all of human history, who is responsible for another able adult?

littlegreenheart · 09/07/2022 16:52

He, or you, can take his pic on a digital camera/mobile and upload it on line. He can fill out the forms online and mail his old passport in. The estimated wait time for passport renewals is 10 weeks, although actual times seem to vary a lot, so he should get it done now for September. It won't be any less effort later, and it'll cost extra to rush it. Even if you're happy to go on the trip without him if yours comes back in time and his doesn't, he's also impacting you by procrastinating. If he wants you not to talk about it, his other option is to do it himself in the first place.

I wouldn't nitpick any one thing you do for him, because there's a bigger picture and a lot of things he probably does for you. But you shouldn't be making most/all of the sacrifices or doing most/all of the work for the two of you to stay together; it should be as close as possible to 50/50 effort, 50/50 compromise. If you're exhausted and constantly mothering him, I'm guessing it's far from that!

If you're happy to go to the beach yourself or with friends, do - but if you like to go out and he never does, you may be incompatible. If there's too much difference between how you want to live and how he does, it can't work long-term.

SquidgyLlama · 09/07/2022 16:57

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Quia · 09/07/2022 16:57

Stop reminding him. If necessary, go on holiday on your own, and tell him you expect him to have moved out by the time you get back.

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