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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you interpret this from a friend?

72 replies

Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:07

Say you message them on a Tuesday asking if they want to go for dinner/go see a film etc.
And they reply saying, "It's too early to say what I'm doing yet."
She doesn't have children or other commitments that I know of.
Don't see why it's so hard to commit to something 4 days away? It's not like I'm asking months in advance.
It just seems like she's waiting for a better offer first. Does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:08

It also means I can't ever plan with her until maybe the day before when she decides if she's free or not.

OP posts:
PangolinPie · 08/07/2022 21:09

Yep, waiting for a better offer. Blatantly, too. Rude.

justfiveminutes · 08/07/2022 21:09

I wouldn't like that either. It just sounds like she's waiting to see if she gets a better offer. I think I'd stop trying to organise things with her.

Original poster
Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:10

I've literally never heard that from any other friend before. It's so weird

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2022 21:10

It's too early for me to commit to you as either (good) my rota isn't out yet for my weekend shifts or (bad) I would rather do something else with someone else.

If she isn't a shift worker waiting for her rota, I'd be quite snippy in my reply.

"OK, sounds like you are holding out for something more fun so let's just leave it"

Pansypotter123 · 08/07/2022 21:10

Agree with pp. Make other plans .

Original poster
Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:11

Sorry forgot to mention she doesn't work weekends so it's not about shifts

OP posts:
Meraas · 08/07/2022 21:11

Stop suggesting anything, let her do the running.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 08/07/2022 21:12

I wouldn't plan anything with her, she doesn't sound a very good friend if she won't plan to do something with you until last minute. It does seem like she's hanging out for a better offer. I would ask her why she can't plan things with you a few days ahead and see what she says.

Leeds2 · 08/07/2022 21:13

I would wait for her to ask me about the next meet up. And, being petty, I would probably reply using the same words she has used to you.
If she asks with 24 hours notice, I think I would probably be busy.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2022 21:13

Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:11

Sorry forgot to mention she doesn't work weekends so it's not about shifts

I'd go radio silence.

I had a vaguely similar situation with a friend who basically never put any effort in but used to talk as if she would/wanted to.

I stopped messaging. It's now been 4 years and I've heard through the grapevine she has had kids since then. It's much easier when you stop being the tryer and let these things go drop away.

RockinHorseShit · 08/07/2022 21:16

Unless she has chronic health issues, or anxiety etc where symptoms wax & wane, which could explain her reluctance to plan ahead. I agree with the others, she's waiting on a better offer. If there's no MH/health issues Cut your losses & invest in other friends instead

whataloadabullocks · 08/07/2022 21:17

Could she struggle with the heatwave warning? Or is this something she does all the time? If it's the former I'd go with it, if it's the latter I'd let her do the planning from now on

NoInvitesEver · 08/07/2022 21:18

Yes, she's blatantly waiting for a better offer. It's not too early to say what she's doing - she could say yes to you then she'd know what she's doing!

AchatAVendre · 08/07/2022 21:21

Waiting for a more interesting offer and not that bothered about being friends, so I wouldn't contact her again as its rude and she doesn't care.

DasGirl · 08/07/2022 21:27

That is so rude.
She clearly lacks social skills and self awareness!

You could say " do you have plans for the weekend yet?" And when she says not yet you reply " great, how about the cinema? Meet you there 8pm on Friday"

But I'd probably just drop the friendship tbh

ShinyMe · 08/07/2022 21:27

Is there any chance she's just overloaded with stuff? I get very much like this sometimes when I'm overwhelmed with work and too much STUFF in my brain, and I just can't think beyond the next few hours. I feel actually incapable of planning beyond tomorrow and if someone tries to make me, I can't. It's not that I don't want to go or do things, but I don't have the capacity to think that far ahead. I don't think that's uncommon.

CactusBlossom · 09/07/2022 01:58

What's her life like? Could she be working shifts, or asked to work overtime? Does she work in a hospital, perhaps? In these cases, she might find her schedule changes quickly and unexpectedly.

Does she have any health problems? Dysmenorrhoea might mean she can't plan ahead.

Otherwise...she might just not be very good at making plans...or she might being waiting to see what else comes along.

RoseGoldEagle · 09/07/2022 02:51

I have a friend who always says ‘Dinner Friday sounds good but can I let you know for sure the day before/on the day?’ She’s actually a really good friend, and it’s really rare she won’t actually meet me, I think it’s more an anxiety thing with her somehow that she can’t commit for sure. It’s annoying though! I wouldn’t put up with it if she actually did then cancel on me!

In your friends case though, that’s a proper case of ‘I may get lots of offers of various types between now and the weekend, and want to be able to pick the best nearer the time’ which isn’t on! I wouldn’t even respond to that, if she does reply nearer the time to say she’s free I’d then say ‘I made other plans as wasn’t sure you’d be free’.

Plinkyplankyplonk · 09/07/2022 02:53

Does she have mental health issues or other disabilities that may mean she can't plan ahead very well?

GrandSlamFinalee · 09/07/2022 03:57

Not rude in my opinion, but that’s because I’m in a job where you literally don’t know what you’re doing until the day of. I’ve cancelled way too many meet-ups with a few hours’ notice after agreeing to it a week in advance, so now I tend not to plan too early because I don’t want to disappoint people when I let the down last minute.

But as I said, this is because of my job. Everyone knows this and adjusts their expectations according to what they feel like putting up with.

Darbs76 · 09/07/2022 04:00

I find that really rude. Of course she’s waiting to see what other offers she has. I’d say ‘ok well if you don’t get any better offers you know where I am’ next time. Make it known you see it like this and she might realise how rude she’s being

ClaryFairchild · 09/07/2022 04:09

You're just an option, others in her life are her priority. She has no intention of making firm plans with you until all of her "priority" friend options are exhausted.

Hawkins001 · 09/07/2022 04:54

I'm similar, sometimes it depends on what my preferences are nearer the day or any constraints that I have to factor in, so it's more advantageous to leave till the last moment before prebooking myself.

Beachbodyready · 09/07/2022 05:05

id reply like that if a) I was tired, feeling ill, and/or had a busy week ahead so thought I might just want a quiet weekend at home b) planned to do some major chores at the weekend and wasn’t sure how long they’d take c) someone had already asked my availability for a potential meet up and I was waiting to hear which date it was going ahead.

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